Monica Bielanko
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Bathroom Breakdown

Last week the Powers That Be at the news station in which I work informed us that the restrooms we use every day are being torn down.  They will be out of service.  For as long as two months.

Do you know how hard it was not to cry right there in front of everyone?

Do you know that a bathroom is a pregnant woman's best friend?  Especially in the workplace where any one of as many as six separate fluids are known to be expelled from said pregnant woman's body?  At any time!  Without warning! 

Yes, I count six.  Why, don't you know what they are?  You know what they are.  You're listing bodily fluids off in your head and counting now, aren't you?

What happened was, a couple months ago my boss signed a lease to buy the building next door.  We're expanding so they completely renovated the building next door and moved all the salespeople over there.  You know, the people that sell commercials that air on our station?  Those people.  They're lovely people but good riddance, I say.  Have you ever tried sharing a three-stall, one-sink bathroom with a  hundred women every day?  Furthermore, have you ever tried to puke quietly?  Exactly.

But now it's time to renovate the newsroom.  Which means they are tearing out our bathroom, which means we have to walk to the building next door and use their bathroom.  A bathroom with one sink and two stalls, one of which my pregnant body will no longer fit into.  

Do you know how many times a pregnant woman pees per hour?  Approximate calculation:  A FUCKLOAD.

So they give us the big bathroom news and I am so horrified I don't hear the rest of the meeting about how fancy the new bathrooms will be (Hand dryers, y'all!  Hand dryers!) and spend the next hour calculating. 

If I am peeing an average of, oh say, four times an hour and it's a three minute (SUCH a conservative estimate!) walk next door and let's say I spend a conservative three minutes availing myself of the facilities (barring a goddman line or someone touching up their make-up or flossing their teeth while I shuffle around uncomfortably as my brain screams CAN'T YOU SEE I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS?  CAN YOU NOT MOVE ASIDE?!) and then the three minute return trip... Okay so three plus three plus three equals nine times four times an hour equals thirty-six!  So thirty-six minutes of every hour will be spent bathrooming?

That's not counting the puke. 

I called Serge to complain and he launches into some tired bullshit about how there are people in the world who have it so much worse.  Like, DUH.  But can you not offer your poor, peeing pregnant wife a little compassion? 

I hung up on that bitch and proceeded to tear up in front of a couple co-workers.  And because that is not cool, the crying at work thing (which I usually do in a bathroom stall, thank you very much!) I had to take a time out in my car.  To feel good and sorry for myself. 

And then I started scouting the parking lot for good pee spots. 

Reader Comments (13)

I say eff it, pee your pants, get sent home, show up the next day & They will have a Porta-Potty with your name on it, for sure.

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

Makeshift office potty at your desk! You can make that shower costume from Karate Kid, with a bucket. I share a floor at work with a psychiatric office, so the bathroom, allllllll the way at the end of the hallway, is always...a surprise. Will OCD lady be there washing her face and hands for 20 minutes? Will there be other crazy people doing crazy things? Who knows.

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

More than a private receptacle for BF, the restroom has long been considered a haven of comfort in an hour of need. There might just be an undisclosed toilet inside the building. In the meantime, you might cut down on agonizing sprints to the next building or embarrassing accidents with the use of disposable pull-ups. 'Depends' are the best. Snug fitting and super absorbent. Hardly bunchy at all. You can fortify them with men's incontinence pads. They are 'cup' shaped and wider than woman's so they don't leak. Maybe you can you take an anti-emetic, like Reglan for N/V? Cheese is nice and conveniently constipating so you shouldn't have to run next door but can hold off for a while. ha! Anytoot, I am sorry about your predicament, and hope things are not as horrible as you anticipate. :/

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergina

space diaper?

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbf

I would be investing in a shitload of DependsĀ®.
That majorly sucks.

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy S (OH)


October 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterleyla

Oh, man...I don't even know what to say. That'll pretty much suck the fun out of your days...

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

Can't you just pee before work?

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterserge

Oh man, one thing I don't miss about pregnancy - peeing every two seconds... so sorry to hear about your predicament! I hope they get those new bathrooms built soon...

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElissa

Peeing while pregnant is THE WORST. You just can't understand unless you've been there. What about when you have to pee really bad and then only a few drops come out! As soon as you're walking out of the bathroom you have to pee again. I feel your pain!

October 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

Depends! You hooligans. Peeing in the parking lot is so much more refined.

October 20, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonica

i say hunker down in the bomb shelter for a wiz...i also have a feeling co-workers masterbate in the upstairs tape room so why not add your bodily fluids?

October 21, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermeg

I was once in the office of a man who owns a famous skin care line for men and he had what appeared to be a gigantic laboratory beaker of his own urine under his desk. He was seriously OCD about germs so my guess was that he didn't want to share a bathroom with anybody and collected there all day.

Please don't let it get to that.

October 21, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterskinnythighs

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