Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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You probably didn't know this but there is an upside to being seven months pregnant. Really, there is! An upside aside from the fact that you're roughly two months away from eliminating that pesky extra human being you've been lugging around.

Know how when you go to Old Navy and they have those racks full of discounted clothes? Like, there'll be a sweater that was once $49.99 and now it's $11.99! The kicker, of course, is that the sweater is an XXXXXXXL and so under normal circumstances you marvel at the sale price but really it means nothing because you weren't in need of a knitted TENT.

Guess what? The tent fits now!

Last week was made miserable by the fact that clothing this body has turned into a nightmare. I cannot abide purchasing maternity clothes. They're usually more expensive than normal sizes, I guess because of all the damn material it takes to create them. To buy a pair of jeans I'll wear for a couple of months, tops, just pisses me off.

I end up grudgingly buying one pair of maternity jeans and one stretchy pair of pants and proceed to squeeze myself into those for as long as the stitching holds together. But about two weeks ago I noticed that my trusty pants were tighter than Nicole Kidman's forehead.

I broke down on Saturday and went to the local thrift shop. I scored a couple of sweaters but no fabric items to cover an ass the size of Texas. So I went to (say it with me everyone!) OLD NAVY! I bypassed all the fancy new stuff draped on the creepy mannequins perpetually hovering near the front door and made my way to the bowels of the store. The sale rack.

Usually the sale rack is crammed full of stuff that would still need to be taken in to fit Jabba the Hutt. But Oh My God it was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me. I'm pulling out sweaters, sweaters that I'd buy at full price, but because they're XXXXXXXXXL they wouldn't sell so the Old Navy powers-that-be had a little pricing pow wow (We've got to move this shit to make way for the spring collection of khakis and cargos! It's all about moving merchandise, people. Team cheer and 3, 2, 1 OLD NAVY! Jessica! Where are your headphones, Godammit if I've told you once...) and marked them down to $10.99 from forty something. And they fit! I bought three of the same one in different colors.

The only downside of the shopping experience was when I caught a glimpse of the back of my naked self while changing.

Hand to god, I wouldn't recognize myself in a line-up of five naked chicks. Hell, stand three naked chicks, including myself, shoulder to shoulder, put a bag over their heads, put a gun to my head and ask me which one was me and I couldn't tell you.

The naked chick I saw in the Old Navy changing room mirror in no way resembled the girl I remember. Big thumping, dimpled ass, huge rolls of back fat, thighs all crammed together. The fitting room started spinning and I tried to focus on the one pregnant positive: no stretch marks.

Deep breaths.

I'd breathe in and with every exhale I'd say "no stretch marks." Breathe in, breathe out/no stretch marks. Breathe in, breathe out/no stretch marks. Breathe in, breathe out/no stretch marks.

Reader Comments (9)

You crack me up so bad! But yep that's my experience in Old Navy and Burlington Coat Factory EVERY frickin TIME. Holy cannoli I'm my MOTHER in Sears Bendovers! I really hold off on that over the shoulder glance as long as possible. After that it's this whole thing about how I will NEVER find love again. Then I start looking around at heavier women that myself with the fancy diamond wedding rings and think how she must have SOME great's just traumatic trip for me that I don't even try stuff on anymore.

AS long as there are no runs in the hosiery it will ALL GO back into place. it will. Thanks for the laugh.


November 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergina

I'll be your charity for those XXXXXXL Old Navy clothes when you're through. Just hit me up. I'll them trade for babysitting duties. Seriously. For reals.

And you're damn lucky regarding those stretchmarks, keep breathing that thought.

November 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJust Jill

Crossfit up at the JCC. Look into it in about 4 months. You will like it and it will whip your ass into shape before you know it.

November 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJon

Did you not get stretch marks in your first pregnancy, either?

November 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

I didn't. About the only damn thing that didn't happen to me during that pregnancy. I didn't use any lotion or cocoa butter either. I think it's just a genetic thing.

November 23, 2010 | Registered CommenterMonicaBielanko

BE SERIOUSLY HAPPY! No stretch marks? You are very lucky. I've been pregnant three times and each time the experience could have been subtitled "No Calorie Left Behind." I ate my way through each pregnancy to soothe the misery. However, I've lost the weight three times and look pretty decent, but there is nothing to be done about the nasty marks. No bikinis for me : (

November 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

No stretch marks? Consider it good, my friend. My stomach looked like a giant alien brain. And even though I am only 15 pounds from pre-preggo weight.... it STILL looks like a brain. Only deflated and less angry.

November 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwysket

i'm due tomorrow and 'no stretch marks' has been my antidote too. sometimes more effective than others.

November 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

I bought the huge clearance shelf sweaters at Old Navy at the end of my second pregnancy too, and proceeded to wear one every day until the babe arrived. One was green and the other was blue/ aqua striped. Every day, in the house, to work, to walk the dogs, didn't matter. They fit and they were warm (it was winter in Minnesota at the time). And then I wore them for a couple of weeks after the birth for the same reasons. Totally worth the $14.99 I paid per sweater! And now I have something to lend to any morbidly obese people who might come to visit in the colder months without the proper attire. Yeah!

November 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNik

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