Monica Bielanko
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Oh Man! Look At The Biscuits On That, Uh, Biscuit

I've been baking like Betty Crocker on crack. Like, I've got my biscuits down to a science, y'all. Okay, okay, they're the kind you buy pre-made. You know the ones that it's scary as hell to open? The jack-in-the-box biscuits, I call 'em, because you're unwinding that cardboard wrapper all scared-like and then POP goes the biscuit.

I hate that part.

But I love me some Pillsbury biscuits lately. Which is fitting considering the skin around my mid-section resembles an uncooked biscuit. Very much.

But I am seriously into this shit, man. I'm trying the flaky variety, the butter flavored, country style flavored, homestyle, original. I feel a bit like the double rainbow guy, you know? All these amazing biscuit varieties? Whoa. It's so intense.

Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD! Buttermilk! WOOOOOOO!

I think this weekend I'm going to have a biscuit tasting party of one. Bake up a batch with one of each variety and then eat the whole damn thing whilst trying to guess which is which.

There I'll be, savoring tender, fluffy biscuits. The subtle, soury overtones of the buttermilk variety, the bold flavor of the butter flavored and the way the homestyle variety makes me feel like I'm wrapped in Grandma's quilt. And then? I'm going to butter up an already butter flavored biscuit (oh my God the insanity!) and rub it slowly across my....

What? Oh! Sorry.

So biscuits. Yeah. Sexy, sexy biscuits. With soup! With butter and jam! Or just all by themselves!

One time, this guy at work, this really nice guy, was loitering around my desk eyeballing my biscuits. My real biscuits y'all, not my skin biscuits. I have this giant Ziploc (I just typed Zipcock which made me laaaaugh because now I can't stop thinking about a bag of dicks) bag of biscuits I take to work. Seriously, I'm going through something like six a day. Oh shit. You think I have a problem? A biscuit problem?

Anyway, this guy, he's eyeballing my biscuits and inside I'm thinking keep your dirty mitts off my biscuits, bub. Thing is, this guy is really generous. He's a photographer and he's always bringing in batches of homemade granola and fancy chocolate and sharing. So I'm kind of like obligated to offer him a biscuit. But they're my fucking biscuits! I can't share my biscuits. What if I have a hankering for a biscuit at work and they're gone? It's not like the machine in the break room vends biscuits, you know? I can't just run to the gas station and buy a pack of gum and a biscuit. I'll be jonesing hardcore until I can get near my oven and bake up another batch.

But look. I don't have a problem. I can quit any time, I swear.

If I had a problem would I have offered the photographer one of my biscuits? I gave him one, I did. Stupid biscuit wanting bastard. Has another thing coming if he thinks he's going to get his hands on my biscuits again. That's why I keep 'em in my drawer. Hide 'em all over the place. For emergencies.

Seriously though. I can quit anytime.

Reader Comments (19)

You're sick.....I've heard of pickles, pickles and peanut butter...all kinds of shit. but a biscuit hoarder. seek help ;)

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

I'm not even pregnant and I'd hoard those delicious giant flaky biscuits. Such deliciousness, such divinity, such decadence!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

I had a bit of a biscuit issue around 6 weeks, as well. I'm not sure if I'm about to blow your mind, but have you tried making cheddar biscuits yet? Here's my recipe:


* 4 cups baking mix (Bisquick)
* 3 ounces Cheddar cheese, shredded
* 1 1/3 cups water
* 1/2 cup melted butter
* 1 teaspoon garlic powder
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 1/8 teaspoon onion powder
* 1/8 teaspoon dried parsley


1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
2. In a mixing bowl, combine the baking mix, cheese, and water. Mix until dough is firm. Using a small scoop, place dough on the prepared pan.
3. Bake at 375 degrees F (190 degrees C) for 10 to 12 minutes, or until golden brown.
4. Combine the melted butter, garlic powder, salt, onion powder and parsley. Brush over baked biscuits immediately upon removing from oven.

I put extra cheese on top of each biscuit before baking :)

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? Me, cheese and biscuits? That's the sexiest threesome I've contemplated in quite some time.

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

A friend and I were just discussing fondling the Whoppers in the grocery store, but dude. Biscuit crack? Totally with you on this one!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteridmayday

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMishell

Sorry - wanted to say - it's one of my favorite food blogs (notwithstanding the gross thanksgiving dinner pic) and this post about biscuits was appropriate:

Also - - food porn

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMishell

Im the same way when it comes to opening up those biscuits. I panic and scrunch up my face and it makes me jump every time. Ed thinks im crazy and laughs. I usually make him open them for me so I don't have to go through the torture.

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAshley Elliott

This post made me laugh hysterically (the quiet "I'm at my very open concept desk" laugh that had me beet red with tears streaming down my face. Awesome.) This is why - I am 17 weeks pregnant and have an obsession with biscuits. Most recently (last night...YUM) I made - ready for this? Cheddar beer biscuits. I can't drink but baking removes the alcohol content and leaves the flavour. Beer, cheese and biscuits. I'm in preggo heaven.

3 cups of unbleached white flour
1 tablespoon of sugar
1 teaspoon of sea salt
1 tablespoon of baking powder
2 heaping teaspoons of dried dill (or whatever herb you are craving - I mix a bunch in)
1 cup of cheddar, grated finely (stuff a lot in your face during the grating process)
300ml of beer (I used Steamwhistle...but I'm Canadian....)

Butter 12 muffin cups.

In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, salt, baking powder, dill and cheddar. Make a well in the center of the bowl. Gradually pour in the beer and stir until just combined.

Spoon the mixture evenly into the prepared muffin tin. Bake in a preheat 375 degree oven until the biscuits are nicely brown and cooked throughout - roughly 25-30 minutes.

EAT THEM ALL (seriously. I did.)

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Try this:

Take whatever biscuit, dip it in italian dressing, dip it in parmesan, place it cheese side up on baking sheet and sprinkle with a little mozzarella and bake as directed.

Mmmm, even better.

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

hee hee!

Here is what I do with those biscuits, and thanks for pointing out that the jack n the box part is scary! I hate that part too.

First I get a rotisserie chicken from the store bc I am too lazy to cook a whole chicken. I pull all the meat off it and tear or chop it into smaller pieces.

Then I get an onion and chop it up, put it in a big pan with a bit of olive oil and I cook it stirring until it's cooked, like 3-4 minutes.

Then I open a big can - 26 oz - of cream of something soup. I like cream of mushroom or cream of chicken, whatever I have or buy. Dump it on top of the onion.

Open a big bag of frozen peas and carrots - or any frozen veggies you like. Dump in the pan with the onion and canned soup.

On top of that I dump in the cooked chicken. Stir the whole mess until it's a nice soupy consistency.

Then I get out a baking pan, like 9 x 13, or pyrex, whatever you have. I pour this mixture into the baking pan.

Then I open a can or two of biscuits! I love GRANDS but you can use whatever you like or have. I then lay those suckers out on the top of the pan.

I preheat the oven and bake according to the biscuit directions. Everythign else is pretty much cooked, the frozen veggies just need to warm up and the biscuits bake.

Take it out, dish it up -- yum yum!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter~M~

oh I've done the Italian dressing thing! I've also done the thing where you mix like 3 tablespoons of sugar with orange juice until it's thick but liquid, like a glaze, then pour it all over a pan of biscuits and bake it. Yummy orange glazed biscuits for breakfast!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter~M~

You're all a bunch of dirty damn enablers!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

mmm yeah. that is how I am about dumplings, the kind you drop into boiling water and then into hot chicken broth.

try em out.

some flour
a little water
an egg

mix and drop into boiling water.
done when they float.
great in chicken soup.
best on a cold autumnal evening.
nice on a cold day!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergina

Absolutely hilarious! There could be worse things to be addicted to. Believe me, I know. Try this though, its to die for:
Take the regular size can biscuits and quarter them.
Toss them in melted real butter then roll in cheese. I use cheddar but use your choice.
Bake as usual, maybe a little shorter time.
Then enjoy the buttery, cheesy little biscuit nuggets!
Like biscuit candy, I swear!

November 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWyndi

I love biscuits, too. I'm wondering, if you dropped the dough in boiling broth, would it turn into a dumpling?

Anyway, I had an idea for your biscuit tasting party. What if, to make it really exciting :) you asked Serge to put one of each kind on a pan and write down what biscuit is where. Then when they come out of the oven you can guess which is which.

That's living on the edge, baby! That is pure adrenaline right there!

November 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

I lived in West Virginia for ten years, and this was BY FAR the best part of living there:


(I recommend the Dottie.)

November 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterjive turkey

I ate biscuits every day when I was pregnant, I swear!! Bacon egg & cheese biscuits from McD's took the nausea away for at least an hour, so I'd eat them 2-3 times a day. Salty, greasy fun!!

November 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Ok well you gotta go to LAMBERT'S -- Biscuit heaven! You don't even have to wait for the biscuits to be delivered bc they will throw the damn things right AT YOU from across the room!

They call 'em roills but really they are biscuits. And yes, I did let my attention lapse once and yes I did get smacked in the head with a biscuit the waiter dude threw from across the room. It was ok tho' bc they are yummy. Everybody else laughed but fuck them, bc I was eatin; the biscuit.

November 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter~M~

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