Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Smile Though Your Heart (or head) Is Aching

There is a disgusting rattle deep within my chest. I cough and cough but nothing changes. A diagnosis of pneumonia would not surprise me.

This. This is when motherhood is hard.

You want need to sleep so bad it hurts. But you can't. Instead of a warm blanket you need to wrap yourself in your mama-ness. Mama voice, mama smile, welcoming mama arms. Sometimes it's like a play in which you star as mama. Fake it 'til you make it.

I'm typing this from the bathroom floor, next to the tub where Violet loudly clacks together plastic toy boats and I grin my best mama grin and act impressed with her splashes. It's what motherhood is about, no? Smiling your best smile when they call for you to watch them swing at the park, comforting when they skin their knee even though the sight of blood on your baby means you likely need the comforting more than your little one. And so now, when my body is apparently trying to expel a lung and whatever else is in there, I've got to croak her favorite songs and smile my ass off.

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. Mom and I decided to hold off for the time being. Like many of you said, we'll absolutely know when it's the right time and for now, well, he still seems to derive a bit of joy out of life. So thank you for your insight!

Right now Violet is pulling my conditioner from the edge of the tub. She plops it into the water, fiddles with it for a bit then places it back on the edge of the tub. She'll do this apparently thrilling task over and over again or in shampoo terminology; lather, rinse, repeat. Incidentally, what is up with instructions on the shampoo/conditioner bottles? If you don't know how to properly use these products I'm thinking your biggest problem isn't dirty hair.

Anyway, I'm not finding it that hard to beam this sweet face a smile through all my phlegm: