Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Dispatches From A Married Couple #1

As you may or may not have read, Serge and I see each other a grand total of fifteen minutes during the weekdays. No lie. We end up texting quite a bit. Here then, is a glimpse into our weekday communications throughout April. They all occur when I'm at work and he's home with Violet. As you can see, it's important stuff. Enjoy.

Him: Are we making sweet lurve tonight?! I got a good movie I rented!
Me: We probably should. I have ovulation predictor strips!!!
Him: I have wine! And a British movie with my fav actor ever! And 2 or 3 pints of Life Nectar backed up in my pipes!
Me: Life Nectar.
Him: A.K.A. Liquid Kid
Me: Oh my.


Him: I can't prove it but I know you saw the dog puke on the floor before you left. I KNOW IT!


Him: I am ornery because no one likes me.
Me: Maybe if you weren't ornery people would be your friend.


Him: On SpongeBob, Patrick just got told that 'No, mayonnaise is not an instrument'.


Him: Modern Romance: I got you a Little Caesar's


Him: Watching LA INK. Thick plots, complicated minds, and handgun tattoos.
Him: Is Cat on LA INK a tranny?
Me: No. She's gross tho.
Him: She has a Tammy Baker face.


Him: I'ma kinda guy who can wear a lot of bangles and remain: hot.
Me: And to which bangles would you be referring?


Him: Johnny use to work on the dock...
Him: Our internet ain't workin.
Him: Having SO MANY ideas for Facebook threads. And no way to share them. It's like being locked in the cellar with no sun.
Me: Shut up. Dork.
Him: Wanted to POKE an old friend on Facebook. No dice.


Him: They're saying it may precipitate this evening.
Me: Yup. Your commute tomorrow is going to suck.


Him: Remember when you met me at the airport in coat and nudity?


Me: Do you like the name *Sara?
Him: Yeah
Me: Sara or Rose?
Him: Sara
Me: Really? Sara or Sarah?
Him: I dnt kno.
Him: I like Sara.
Me: Sara or Olive?
Him: Sara or Little Tomato?
Me: Sara or Vivian?
Him: Sara. Sara or Feta?
Me: Sara or Amelia?
Him: Not sure
Me: But you really like Sara better than Rose, huh?
Him: Can't say for sure, but I like both those names.
Me: I think Sara, Rose and Amelia are my top faves.
Him: I like them a lot. And Liz.
Me: Vivian?
Him: Nah.
Me: Elizabeth! And we could call her Beth! Or Liz!
Him: DONE.
Me: For real? That's your fave?
Him: What about... Dora?
Me: Sigh.


Him: I command you to go to Betos.
Me: Okay.
Him: 2 steak case-a-deeyas. 1 fish bureettoh. 2 chips n salsa.
Me: Okay.
Him: I command thee to purchase refreshing corona ale in 12 pack form!
Me: Okay.


Him: I might be joining an elk herd.
Me: When will you know?
Him: It's a whole thing, a whole process. Ugh.
Me: You will never get the bugling down.
Me: What would be the best kind of herd to join?
Him: Summer herd, highlands. Tender shoots mean pleasant shits.
Me: No, best animal herd, not best elk herd.
Him: Oh. Bird herds are good.
Me: Aren't they flocks?
Him: No.
Me: Yuh-huh. Birds flock, they don't herd.
Him: On the ground they herd. If there is seed, they riot.
Me: Oh. So in the air they flock and on the ground they herd?
Me: Seems like the best of both worlds. I'd be a bird too.
Him: Yes. God.


Me: Watcha doin?
Him: Just got done giving Violet a bath. Getting ready to look at pictures of fishing boots.


Him: Every day you use up all the battery on the computer. Thanks.
Me: I love you.
Me: I'm so glad I married you. Honestly, I think you're the coolest.
Him: And the hottest?!
Him: And HOTTEST?!

* All names changed to avoid hearing about how you you hate the name X because you went to elementary school with an X who picked her nose and the name X totally reminds you of boogers.

Reader Comments (19)

And I really thought we were the only ones who text like this!

Normal people would have no clue as to what we are saying and why :)

Love it!!!!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelly


May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

that was so fun. man, i need to find someone to text with. ask him if he has any friends. no wait. don't.

Bird Hurds=Bird Turds
Dora looks like Football head with a bad wig.
have you ever tried Chipotles? THEE BEST!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I love this shit, where else can you get quality entertainment from two hilarious people, and get to peep into their lives like a big ole blog stalker.

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

These cheered me right up. : )

Oh and I second Elizabeth, seeing as how that's my name too. Except . . . there are approximately eleventybillion Elizabeths around, so there's that. Still a good name though.

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Thank dog for SMS!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermelanirae

That darn Serge! I miss you guys!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterFiabug

That was hilare! Didn't want the texts to end!!!!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

So hilarious!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlice

That was so fun!

But I'm bummed that those weren't the real baby names, although having been there once, I know why you would want to keep those to yourself! I love to hear baby name preferences though. I have no idea why. It just seems so interesting to me, the names that appeal to different people.

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkds

I was getting all excited bc my name is Sarah Elisabeth and I love it until I realized those weren't the real names!

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

i hate the name x. this girl i knew back in the day was named x and she was a bitch. wanted to cut her.

May 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

liquid kid!!!!!!!!!!!! gahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

here's a good "we're expecting" announcement i just saw posted in my fb feed:

(and if nobody said it to you yesterday, may the 4th be with you).

May 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteralex

HA! I wanted to comment I hate the name X* because she sucks...or maybe she doesn't. Whatever. I have no life...and LOOK you still had to hear about why I hate the name X!!!

*=Name was substituted to protect the suckee.

May 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternina

OMG. Please... make dispatches from your texts a monthly post? Loved this! LOL. (The Elk herd one is just killing me.)

May 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Love it, very funny. More please! As an aside, I totally admire how you cope with looking after Violet all morning, then working in a busy pressured environment until late night. That takes some stength and dedication, good on ya.

May 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSM

Ha Ha

That is funny!

girl logo

May 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJaylene

Heh. In our family we call it "baby batter."

May 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteragirlandaboy

Hahaha same for boytoy and I we never see eachother. he's a truck driver (not the kind with the trucker hat and beer belly...more like the one with a grizzly sexy beard and a tight ass) I wanted to share our texts too lol.

him: hi babe, how's my benz doing without me, did you crash it yet?
me: sent him a picture of it. he wouldn't believe me without seeing it.
me: I called you earlier...think you picked up and hung up?? wtf.
him: oh! call me now.
him: call me NOW
me: you should know if I don't call its because I am busy working on customer cars.
him: miss you
me: remember when we were in florida and I forced you to have sex with me after we got back from the ocean? well I would have done that to you this morning but you weren't home
him: I am fasting bitch. (he's muslim and for 30 days he isn't supposed to have impure thoughts...I sneak 'em in every chance I get)
me: sorry, just saying
him: I do miss you though.
him: look on yahoo for the dancing dog. fucking epic.

see ours aren't nearly as fun.

September 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

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