Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Someone just stab me in the brain already

And so it goes. Internet tantrum is over. I am still here and, shockingly, so are you. You just keep coming back which I guess means you like me, you really, really like me. Or you really hate me. Either way, hi! Glad you're still here. I just can't seem to break up with you.
I'm sitting in Violet's room while she watches Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. A classic any time of year, I say. She really flips out when she watches it, gets all spastic and nutty. LOVES it. It's pretty fun to watch. She wears a hole in the carpet in front of the tiny DVD player, waving her arms in the air.

I put her hair in a ponytail and she has a dribbly spot of nail polish on each big toe after an aborted attempt by grandma at nail polishing all her piggies. It's killing me. Nothing says growing up like ponytails and nail polish. Seriously, she looks like somebody's kid, not my baby. Who is this ponytail wearing, Emmet Otter watching kid in my house?

Y'all know how fickle I am, right? One minute I'm blogging every day and then a week goes by and I can't even bring myself to log on. I think Twitter and Facebook finally got to me, man. It's just TOO MUCH SHIT! I don't want to know that much shit. Reading everyone's updates is like a horrible case of attention deficit disorder. I can't focus on one thought then an hour goes by and I'm still on the goddamn computer reading about how Bret hates Obama, John had a hamburger for lunch and Sarah just posted the eight millionth super sexy photo of her doing whatever it is she does. We get it Sarah, you're sexy.

I try to get around to blogging and I am hyper aware of how I'm just one more whiny motherfucking voice in the vortex or one more vaintastic creep trying so hard to be witty... and voila! Don't wanna blog.

It's all been said before, hasn't it? By much better writers than me. But then I think, THAT'S vain, you're just blogging for your family and posterity and whatnot. What makes you think anyone gives a crap about what you're writing anyway. Just write what you want. So I guess whether I blog or not I feel like a vain, narcissistic douche. Or I just think way too much about everything. So I'm still taking a break from Facebook and the Twitter. But I like it too much over here. I can't quit you.

Violet watches Emmet Otter

Reader Comments (27)

I have a feeling with you that you really might have something to say, you know. But you just don't want to go there. You seem more real, especially to a foreigner, as though you (& Serge) have a genuine American story worth listening to. Maybe you need to do something to get down to what you really have to say, and that something would seem to be more to do with your background and religion and upbringing than these interwebs and the topics du jour. Some popular bloggers have lovely style, people want to BE them. So what. That's nice. They don't have anything really to say. Because they haven't struggled, their struggles are manufactured for their blogs. Nor have they been caught up in any of the great phenomena of American history or life, like Mormonism, like music. Maybe they can feel part of the wholefoods movement, some bullshit like that. Not you. Not Serge. You have history. You have to access it, get down to it, it's in there somewhere. I don't think you can access it with the brain you use for work, or for blogging. So I guess blogging is holding you back.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

so good to know you can't quit us :) I can't imagine quit you anyway, it's been long reading time since I visited you here for the first time...

oh yeah sometimes you think too much about everything :) but who doesn't? and come on, Monica, don't feel like a vain.

I'm glad you're back:) really...

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

Don't you dare quit us, you nutball. We neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed you!
And duh- of course we really really really like you! Why do you think we stalk you so...?

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGush

Glad you're back, Monica. I come here for good laughs, honesty and a sense of normalcy. I don't need any sugar coated, happy all the time, my kids are perfect BS nonsense. I'm a mother and I know that just isn't how life really is. Or at least not mine anyway. Thank you for being you.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy in Austin

oh! please dont quite. your blog is my favourite
i love the real stuff

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteredwina

quit** sorry in the middle of a study meltdown not so good with the typing

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteredwina

Oh, hullo :) I came back yesterday from last week's vacation; saw you were not up and running and was genuinely disappointed. So there :P I'm also sick of facebook (and twitter, but I just use it for work, mostly). I'm glad to know all these people from my past are alive and all, but don't really feel like being connected is actually connecting.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

So happy you're back!

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKami

Good for you, Mon, and never mind any brain stabbings! One of the best things about the internet is the freedom to come and go as you please without notice or apology, Feeling burdened by it is a signal to take a break. Monica Unplugged.Also, I think It's natural to experience bursts of creative energy alternating with that which produces very little or nothing at all. There are so many things internal and external afftecting our moods, desires and abilities but I find that fgetting a nice break lends a whole new perspective and is material to the whole process of blah blah blah. Either way, you've still go it, kid. People read your blog because no matter what you choose to write about it's something most of us can relate to. pretty much run the whole gamut of emotional experience and conundrums.... Gosh...Imagine waking up to painted toenails?

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I'm so glad you're back! I thought you might end up taking a very long sabbatical. I was missing reading your perspective on things. Next time if you need a break, know there are lots of us who will be thrilled with your return.

And "Just say NO" to Facebook. Silliness in the extreme. Who needs another project?!

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie

Glad you're back! I know what you mean about FB... I just end up hiding people half the time:D
P.S. I played that video of Violet and Harlowe was mezmorized... that ponytail is too cute!

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

so glad you're back! i thought about writing you a frantic email when i noticed you were gone, but decided against it. too creepy, right?

here's the thing, though. your readers LOVE you! which means if you're taking a break, i think the majority of us readers are really going to support you in that, because we all want you to be the happiest and most centered Monica you can be. however, you CAN expect in your absence, a bit of whining (from yours truly included) because we miss your writing (we really dig it) and we feel somehow connected to someone we don't know in person. feeling connected is very very rare i think. in my opinion, its facebook and twitter and all of that business that keeps us from feeling truly connected anyway, but here? it feels like we know you and hey, we're all in this thing together.

i guess what i'm saying is...please please please continue to blog but i definitely understand if time off in the future ever feels right for you.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara

so glad you're back! i've checked your site just about every day hoping and wishing you'd hurry it up already! woohoo! :)

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdawnmarc

OMG, I hate when you go away. But I get it. So relieved when you come back though. And you're always fabulous when you come back - probably because I miss the normal fabulous that you are on a regular basis. Yes, we do sincerely love you. Not being sarcastic, you know we love you. And love your family. Violet is seriously cracking me up in this.

Enjoy the facebook and twitter break. I do facebook somewhat, but twitter would end my life. NFW.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkds

Yay! You're back!

Chew on this: You might think your musings are insignificant, but we all get depressed when you leave. You make a difference to us.

June 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

I agree with Amelia on the point that your followers are dedicated to you because of your unique POV and background. It doesn't see that blogging is holding you back and I've been reading your blog since you lived in NYC. It sounds like it has been an outlet, a source of suppport in some instances, and a way to journal. FB and Twitter are noise that can and should be eliminated. If only I had the nerve to pull the plug. I was awake in the middle of last night thinking I know way too much minutia about "friends" I barely know. Welcome back.. Again.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSaffoula

So glad you're back!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergwenhara

Funny, that is what my roommate does in front of the tv too when he watches Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas, except he sings along!
Sshhh don't tell anyone he is 39 YEARS OLD! lol

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen

"still bumbling along"---love that. glad you are.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteralex

Amelia said it so well--- there are words that are due to come out! Words that tell such a unique story that is yours. The way that Serge writes on his blog, well-- you wrote in a very similar way (taking us on a 'journey') before every day stuff took over.

Glad you're back, and glad Violet is doing so well; she is so utterly cute!

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I'm also glad you're back. Your blog provides much needed comic relief during my workday. Sometimes you make me cry, but that's good too!

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Aren't we all just bumbling along? I get what you are saying. Sometimes I just want to quit it all. All blogs, all FB and all Twitter. All message boards. It's just TMI sometimes. Really.

Glad you took a much-needed break from it.

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

You make the prettiest babies! Violet is a dream!

I'm glad you're back. Though everything can be a sea over overwhelming TMI and dramabombs, I enjoy your blog a lot.

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkaty

I thought Amelia had something really interesting to say to you.

The video of Violet is so funny!

Good idea to take a break from Facebook and Twitter. I fortunately never started that shit and I truly think it's shit. Just one big ego trip. Or maybe I'm just one big reject/ loser/ Mrs No Mates?

REALLY glad you're back Monica. NOBODY has as interesting, confusing, entertaining, funny and as sensitive a blog as you.....for me at least and obviously quite a few others.

June 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

For what it's worth, Monica, I think you're fabulous.

June 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

I'm so with you on this one. Facebook is annoying in so many ways and more often than not these days, I simply look at the Twitter interface, realizing that I really have nothing to say there. My blog is the one place that feels like it's totally mine.

Plus, who cares if anyone is reading? I'm only here for the baby and cute husband shots anyway. ;)

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTara Anderson

Glad you're back! When I saw your "out of business" sign a few weeks ago I got really nervous and sad. Worried you'd never come back to us. Your blog = my crack. Thanks for continuing to bring us crack.

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAG

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