Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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Right Guard is trying to kill me

Yesterday I operated under the assumption that it was Wednesday. Nearly got into an argument with a co-worker about what day of the week it was. May have surprised her with my unwarranted anger. It wasn't that I was mad at her, just devastated that she was right. That yesterday was, in fact, Tuesday.

What a let down.

But then again, whatever. The weekends suck too. That's one thing you find out when you have kids. Your ass still has to drag out of bed at six-thirty in the damn morning and make breakfast. And then there's all the stuff you've gotta catch up on that you didn't have time to do during the week. Exciting things like laundry and grocery shopping and changing the sheets and emptying the diaper pail. Yeah, the weekends are a damn riot, ain't they?

What happened?

I am more tired than I've ever been in my life. Definitely less sick than I was last pregnancy, but more tired. So tired. Just walking, it feels like gravity is working against me and my legs each weigh a hundred pounds. Stupid, heavy legs.

S o t i r e d.

Sometimes, Serge asks me a question and answering feels like the hardest thing in the world. A resolution to the problems between the Israelites and the Palistinians seems realistic, but opening my mouth and forming words? Impossible.

I am moving from Mom's house.

It was a good run. A good six months. But it's time to leave. We've paid off all debt except for two student loans and two cars. I'd hoped to pay off one of the cars too, but, well shit happens.

We've rented a house in Salt Lake City again. I am most looking forward to the absence of stairs. Stairs are the devil's creation. The new place is all on one level. And very private. Oh! Oh! And two bathrooms! Could you die? Since being married to Serge I've never had two bathrooms! The luxury. Because, between you and me, his fucking Right Guard deodorant will be the end of me during this pregnancy. After a Serge session in the bathroom, that Right Guard punches me in the face and then tries to choke the life right out of me. It didn't bother me before I got pregnant but, sweet lord, it's fixing to kill me now.

And don't get me started on spray deodorant. Does that shit even work? Do you spray? Why? I shellack roll on Dry Idea to my pits like Amy Winehouse with a stick of eyeliner and I'll tell you what, I may get skin cancer from aluminum but that shit must seal pores closed because I haven't had a wet day in my life.

I don't think I can move again, though. Come help me? I will pay you one million dollars.

Reader Comments (18)

Happy to help you move. Put your feet up love. Can I get an advance for the plane ticket fare out of that $1m please?

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSM

Congrats on paying off debt AND moving out of your Mom's house! I'd help you move but I hate it just about as much as you do.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnjie B.

ugh, my boyfriend has spray OLD SPICE deodorant. it is just too much. i try to "misplace" it and yet he always finds it. somehow he thinks it smells good...but he is so mistaken.
good luck with the move!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpeach

I think you need to suck it up - go to your ward for a few weeks and enlist the elders quorum or the sacrament passer outers for moving help - because after the church using us for so many years - we shouldn't be below using them, right???

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCindi

Moving!? Already? ( just saying that since I've been with my folks for a year and 3 months and am chomping at the bit to get out) Wow. Good for you! I'd help you move in a heartbeat. Regarding the deodorant, a friend of mine uses Arid Extra Dry aerosol and keeps his finger on that button while rotating the can around under there for what seems like... 10 seconds per pit. "That cloud is DANGEROUS", I told him. He doesn't care. Thought I was being dramatic. Yeah, well I switched to Tom's very pleasant Lavender deodorant stick and will never go back to sweat blockers again. I carry it with me in my bag and take a whiff every time I need a quick rush of relaxation. Ah....It's natural and effective protection against the worst BO as well. Make sure you get your rest and vitamins ( including coenzyme Q10) for energy and plenty of WATER. Take care!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Dude, you're the best!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPhil

you & i were apparently pregnant at the same time with our firsts and are now fetus twins again! i moved during my first pregnancy when i was about seven months and it sucked bad. we had a lot of help so i was mostly just sorting and packing and overseeing with all the heavy lifting being done by others. with the yard sale y'all had and the fact that you purged stuff six months ago when you moved into mom's, it sounds like you have a bit of a leg up in that department.

i too am just BONE TIRED this time around. i go to bed at the same time as my son more nights than not--like 8:30.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermel

If I didn't live 800ish miles away, I would love to help you move. It would be fun to meet the whole fam after reading about you for so long.

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate

How many weeks are you? First 12 are a killer. I had such nausea this time around - and hello heartburn that came at 22 weeks with Sproglet but appeared at 7 weeks this time. 7 weeks - gimme a break! You will feel less knackered after you pass the 12 weeks mark I reckon. I think you are having a boy... less sickness. Congrats on the move. I think the way to a happy marriage is seperate bathrooms - or for that matter - a la Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton - seperate houses with tunnel between....

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCrummyMummy

I'm after Kate, I could help but it's kind of far far away:) it's great you can look forward new challenges, house and a baby [I bet it's a boy, I'm guessing and I mean that stupid heavy legs and fragrances :) mine in December] oh and those Sundays off [in theory] how I know it very well, yeah yeah grown-up life sucks! lots of relaxing minutes :) ...days couldn't be possible, I guess. I'm with you. best regards!

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

With stairs at least they are kind enough to provide some height so you may fully commit to the suicidal thoughts they induce when trudging up them for the 20th time in a day.

Thank the sweet lord you do not live in a three story rowhome.

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDC

I would come just to help with violet....she is so stinkin cute:) Hope it goes well.

July 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

You don't sweat because you hardly move around at all.

July 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterserge

Or maybe I don't sweat cuz you don't get me hot anymore. SHAZZAAM!

July 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

I can't wait to have my own room.

July 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterserge

I'd totally come help you move if I didn't live in Southern British Columbia which is sooooo far away from where you live. And I might do it for free if I could squeeze Violet's cheeks:) Good luck with the pregnancy.

August 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

I have to tell you, I went out and bought some Dry Idea just because you talked about it in this post....and you are RIGHT! That crap is ridiculous - the good kind of ridiculous, of course. Thanks! =]

August 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelli

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