Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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First Mug Shot

I think because I was so sick during my first pregnancy, I've gone on lockdown for this one. I don't contemplate the physiological nature of this baby so much. I don't follow its progress on Baby Center as religiously, I don't zone out at work wondering what the baby is doing RIGHT THIS SECOND. I've just kind of hunkered down and am trying to last through the storm of carrying a baby.

Lots of women love to be pregnant. They love the feeling, the attention, all of it. I don't like being pregnant. At all. Most of the time I'm hanging by a thread, counting the minutes until we can go to the hospital and meet this person already.

I'm not afraid of labor, it's the damn pregnancy that kills me, although when the doctor poked his knitting needle up inside my gizzards to break my water last time I truly thought I might die. That part was worse than when I actually PASSED A HUMAN BEING THROUGH MY VAGINA.

But yeah. Like I was saying. I haven't spent too much of this pregnancy mooning around about the miracle of life like I did last time around. Sorry about that, little bean. But, you know. Second child. Maybe even a middle child. You're probably going to get screwed in the baby book arena and, if the history of parents from the beginning of time is any indicator, clothes and toys too. And when you're older Violet will get to stay up later and watch Rated R movies before you and she'll get her drivers license first. That's just how it goes. But don't feel too bad. I'm the second oldest too. A middle child. And look how great I turned out!

Ha. Ha ha.

So anyway. Last week your dad and I went to your first ultra-sound. And I can tell you this: it was way better than our first ultra-sound with Violet. So when she's mocking you because you have to go to bed early and she gets to stay up you can give her the finger and tell her that your ultra-sound was waaay better than her ultra-sound. You'll always have that.

First off, they took us to an ultra-sound room that was decked out like a joint in which Hemingway would lounge around in velvet robes, passing the time by drinking obscene amounts of Whiskey and pondering just exactly who the bells are tolling for. One minute we're traipsing down the sterile, echoey hall of the hospital, the next we're in a library, no, a study. Built-in wooden bookshelves lined one wall, loaded with all sorts of fancy looking books. There was a floor lamp near the shelves and a flat screen TV on the wall. I halfway expected a beslippered, pipe-smoking Hugh Hefner to stroll out of a secret passage and offer to give me a free vaginal exam.

Trés fancy!

Last time, during Violet's ultra-sound, I kind of had to fake like I knew what I was looking at. I mean, the screen was up next to my head so while Pop and the very attractive technician bonded over each new limb sighting, I had to crane my head at an awkward angle and crank my eyeballs over to the edge of my eye socket until I was nearly seeing double.

After asking what in hell I was looking at for about the twentieth time, I kind of gave up and just joined in the love fest and was like, oooh look! Yes! I see the leg! When, most of the time, I had no damn idea what I was looking at.

But you, little bean, you put on a fantastic show. The second, and I mean the second she put the thing on my belly you appeared on the flat screen smack dab in front of my face. Head, face, peanut body and little frog kicking legggies. And then, I'll be damned if the technician didn't hit a secret button and kick things into 3D. I'll bet she doesn't use the secret 3D button on the assholes. It's reserved for nice, polite folk like me and your dad. We were shouting, laughing, crying and pointing at the screen like we were watching an episode of Spongebob Squarepants. What? Spongebob is amazing.

"What's the earliest you can tell if its a boy or a girl?" I asked.
"Sometimes you can tell now but the baby has to be positioned just right."
And there you were, on your back, legs waving. As anyone can tell you, the perfect position to view one's privates. Just when she was zooming in for a close up you turned your back on us. Starting young, you are. Starting young.

Click here to read Dad's version

Reader Comments (13) both just make me smile while I'm resting on my sofa right now, and you know, i feel the same way about pregnency :) it's just too long drive to wait, oh and now looking on this pic I'm so curious who is gonna be this person :)

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana_jo

So I think I see the dear little jelly baby to the left-ish, he looks as though he has hair already and is wearing a suit & tie. Very cute although unnerving. Does anyone see the larger, ghostly white face to the right, sort of like the Shroud of Turin? Hmmm

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia

Hate that knitting needle! I only let that shit happen one time (out of four). Water will break on its own sweet time.

Just wanted to say that I found your blog when Katie Granju linked it in her blog roll post. I was so sucked in by your great love story post. Looking forward to reading more.

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKristy

Amelia! Yes! Several people have commented on the Shroud of Turin face in my uterus! Super creepy!

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

I feel like I'm looking at the Pillsbury dough boy

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Domestic Goddess

SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! I HATED being pregnant:)

August 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKylie

i'm pregnant with my third and have wet my pants a million trillion bazillion times in the last two weeks.

that is all.

carry on.

August 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

From the puking or the sneezing? Or just randomly?

August 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

OH my Gosh!! He's so big! I mean er...could be a she...buf that cute little critter looks like a BOY to me. Sucking his thumb...We've never met but geez...this is SO fun. Oh, I'm sorry... not for you, but, the rest of us are just tickled blue.

"I halfway expected a beslippered, pipe-smoking Hugh Hefner to stroll out of a secret passage and offer to give me a free vaginal exam"
UR too much... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

August 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGina

no more puking- i'm 26 weeks. i've been sick with a horrible cough that popped my rib cage out.
cough, pee, pain!

August 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

Who loves being pregnant? Seriously, WHO? They must be locked away from the rest of us.

August 27, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

I tried to focus on the beauty of this post, I really did. But all I could think the whole time was "knitting needle in my vagina" and it made me really uncomfortable. Legs crossed and vagina clenched uncomfortable. Thanks for that.

August 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdoahleigh

Ok, I have been pregnant twice that I gave birth....saw the ultra sounds.....Monica, that is NOT a is a smart car parked in your uterus.

August 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

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