Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Little Tyrant

Waterboarding? Fuck that. Namby pamby shit, that. Give those terrorist bastards a sick toddler then just sit back and laaaaugh. They'll talk by day three, I guarantee it.

Remember this? Also namby pamby shit. That was before Little Tyrant.

Someone please come put this pregnant hippo out of her misery because I can't take another day. I've always said Violet was a cool kid and I think that may have pissed God off. Like I was gloating maybe? And gloating is, like, the eighth deadly sin or something because that cool child? She is gone.

Last Tuesday, after a hardcore day of nonstop Braxton Hicks contractions, I noticed Violet wasn't acting like herself. Cut to Wednesday morning when her fever spiked to 103 and she was shaking like a Chihuahua in a bathtub. Crying, crying, crying. We were scared. Rushed her to the doctor, who remained annoyingly calm, and declared her fine, "just give her Motrin". I know a calm doctor is ideal, but after seeing my kid covered in a rash and radiating heat like a fireplace, I wanted dramatics.

We returned home and dutifully sat vigil with our fitful child. The fever abated and her temper inflated. She morphed from a sweet kid into Little Tyrant. The constant whining, and crying. And crying and whining. And whining until our ears bleed and we're lashing out at each other out of frustration.

There's this line, you know? This invisible line you cross and you aren't really aware of it. At first. Your kid's been sick and, my God, isn't bearing witness to your sick kid THE WORST? So you slave over their every demand. Blanky, check. Not this episode of Charlie Brown but that one. Check. Juice, check. I see that you tossed your sippy cup through the window... Oh you didn't want juice, you wanted milk? Check. This sandwich I made is not to your liking, madam? Please, let me slice some fruits and cheeses for you. You want me to flop my pregnant body in this awkward position near your toddler bed so that you can see me while you go to sleep? No problem.

Look at me tenderly lull my sick baby to sleep! I am the best parent ever!

Somewhere around day five, right after Little Tyrant bites the hand that feeds her, again, and clips your forehead with one of her tub toys because it was the wrong color, you start to feel taken advantage of. Like the high school gal who constantly puts out but never gets asked to prom, you realize that maybe, just maybe all, this work you're doing ain't getting you anywhere. And you've created a monster.

Apologies for the lack of posts here, but in between working full-time, writing for Babble, sobbing in the shower, feeling sorry for myself, catering to Little Tryant, and fighting with Serge, why, there just hasn't been any time.

Did you miss me? Tell me you missed me! And tell me my ass isn't as big as it looks in the mirror! Tell me I'm the prettiest girl EVER and that my nipples won't stay this size forever... because I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Reader Comments (34)

I totally missed you! And your mirror is warped and that's why your ass looks big.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

I thought it was my mirror! Stupid mirror.

January 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

i haven't seen your ass but, i'll be that person who is going to tell you you'll make it so you can hate me. you'll make it. sounds like Little Tryant had a case of roseola. not that i'm qualified to diagnose. all i know is i've been there more than once i can assure you that both you and i have many more wait-on-sick-child weeks ahead. small glimpses of hell. that's what i say!

hang in there.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEmily

There are some messed up mirrors out there; most of them lie. That's what I tell myself anyway.

I sure as hell missed you (as per my concerned comment in an earlier post cause I didn't think to check babble 1st) and I'm glad you're semi-o.k. Do you have some loved ones around who you can ask to help you out? Take Violet for a day? Night? Ask them!

Hang in there, this too shall soon pass. In the meantime, don't forget to B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJust Jill

Miss you long time. I have been checking in every day, awaiting an update. Luckily I follow you on Twitter, so knew you were still alive. Else, I would've sent out a search party.

Mirror, mirror on the are the fairest of them all.

Not long to go.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStarla

yep I missed you too, I was worried, I'm glad you are ok I agree with Emily on the roseola my son had it before he turned one and it sucked. Hope she feels better soon and you are beautiful pregnant wish I looked half that good when I was pregnant..xxoo

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

I'm sure they'll be nice little quarter sized in no time.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKami

Yes, you were missed. The bigger fear is that after #2 appears you well be gone for good. It must be impossible to find the time to blog with more than one youngin, that is unless you can afford a nanny like someone to remain unnamed (Dooce) !

Wishing you a short Labor and the Best !

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterUtah Lurker

I have missssseeddd you tons! I like little tyrans by the way.
Oh my ass is bigger than yours and I'm not preggers.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiss A

Missed you? Of course! Knew you were ok, though. You are awesome, and an extrememly smart and strong woman. You can, and WILL make it through and be alright, even if Violet gets ignored for a few minutes or Serge gets something thrown at his head... :-)

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterApril

Missed you, missed you-- I thought #2 had arrived early, pehaps! I know you're going through a horrible time right now, but when you described it, it was fucking hilarious.

Hang in there... ahem, no-- don't do any hanging, and your readers still love you!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

I missed you...but figured the baby had made its debut. BTW, your ass isn't big...the dryer probably shrank your pants.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMariY

I'm kinda a new reader - def new to commenting - but pieces like these are why I like you. As a mom of four - you articulated a sick toddler soooo well. And this : "Like the high school gal who constantly puts out but never gets asked to prom, you realize that maybe, just maybe all, this working you're doing ain't getting you anywhere. And you've created a monster..." So effing funny, and true ; )

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

yes, you were missed. I checked your blog for an update every day!

also, did you get your ring? I want to see! I have some advice for you if you did not get it yet: white sapphire. it's a beautiful gemstone, nearly as hard as diamonds but not expensive. I'm just sayin' I wish I knew about white sapphires before I bought my wedding ring!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercarrie

Most def missed your posts! And, everyone knows that clothes start shrinking the minute you purchase them! Flaunt the "junk in your trunk"!

And for your own sanity-it must be the weather or lack of sun here in Utah because I too have been "poor me" for a few days now-and I'm not even preg (another story entirely)

One day at a time....

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCrystal

Totally missed you, was starting to worry more than I should for a woman and her family I've never met.

Glad to hear you're okay and just suffering with baby, body and hubby. Its selfish of me, but I can't wait to see his version of this.

You guys always give me a boost as I slog through the miseries of being a single mom to two teens (who are fabulous but oh good holy hell are we seriously cutting AGAIN?)


January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura B

Hang in there!!

Totally missed you

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

you can do it and you will do it and you will like it!

( did it work? )

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

Ohh, I hear you. How my patience has been robbed as of late.
But, its ok. It'll get better. Just let it all roll off your back ... shrug your shoulders and say "oh well!"
And tell your ass that too... because your ass can't say sh*t to you, until after your baby bean is born.

Cheers & hang in there!!!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergd

Once in a while, ever since you and Serge combined blogs, I'll start reading a post without checking whose blog I'm reading. Today, I thought I was on Thunder Pie, and I read "Someone please come put this pregnant hippo out of her misery because I can't take another day." Nice. Took me a minute to figure that one out.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterzytines

I missed you and I think huge nipples are hawt!!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I MISSED YOU! You still are - and will always be - my girl crush. Also, I believe the reason our eyes face forward in our heads is so that we don't actually have to look at our asses all day. Although, on the flipside, if your head faced your ass, you wouldn't see your nipples...

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristine from Canada

Yep, I missed you too Monica. I hope things get better soon and you manage to get some sleep and a rest!
Hang in there, if Nicole Richie can do it, you can definitely do it!!!

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVicki

Go to Walmart. Look around at the parents of 2+ kids. If those assholes can do it, so can you.

(This is what helped me during the early days of my first pregnancy.)

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I really can't imagine having a toddler while in my third trimester. The thought alone wears me out.

But your nipples WILL return to their previous glory. I've seen it happen with my own eyes.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjive turkey

Monzie, (I can give you a nickname because we are tight like that). Remember anger is just one word away from danger. So keep your eye on the prize and hang in there, girl. You ARE beautiful and wonderful. "This to will pass" Love, Alicia

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterniobe19

@jive turkey

"Go to Walmart. Look around at the parents of 2+ kids. If those assholes can do it, so can you. "

Yes, YES! Excellent advice! But you didn't mention my ass. That's because you think it's big, don't you?

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

Of COURSE you're gonna make it! Now pull up your big girl panties, right up over your tiny little pert ass, and get on with it.
Come on, Mama. Come on.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGush

Yes, you were DEFINITELY missed. And my 3.6 year old said to me the other day (lovingly, of course!), "Mom, you have a big butt!"

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFanannie

Teach her this one: " I scream, you scream, we ALL scream for ICE CREAM!!!" And then dish it out.
Everything is gonna be alright, Monica. Just have a cry and some of whatever makes you feel better.
Push fluids. Ice Pops are good. Hope you feel better soon!

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

I've had two kids and fostered two more and I have to say that I lived in ignorant bliss and this is the first time I have ever heard of an illness Roseola. Maybe we don't have a name for it in England! If it wasn't for Google I'd still be in the dark as to what the hell you are all talking about. Shame on me - I am a doctor's daughter to boot, so really I am a doctor-by-proxy aren't I?
Perhaps my little tyrants were suffering from this Roseola (how is it pronounced?) all along and I was being very unsympathetic. Nah, come to think of it, Dani (aged 3) really did put the thermometer on the lamp bulb until it registered 106 when Sebastian (aged 6) gleefully told her 'If your temperature is 106, you're dead, but you're not cos you're talking, so you're alive'. She insisted it was 106 and she was dead, but could still talk. Oh happy days ahead for you Monica, when you have 2 Bielanko tyrants to contend with.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter(London) Amanda

You're gonna make it. And you're gonna be awesome.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteragirlandaboy

Hey, remember that first night after Violet was born? When they put those warm blankets on you and bring you anything you want and you can lay on your back and your husband sits there staring at you totally in awe because of the heroic thing you have just done and your new baby is perfect and healthy and everything is quiet and peaceful and all of the worries and horrors of pregnancy are over and the worries and horrors of parenting 2 have not yet begun and did I mention the warm blankets? Remember that feeling? Well, it's coming soon, hang in there.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjls

Def miss MONICA! This whole mommy stuff is for the birds, spoken like a true woman with NO KIDS! lol Just saying. More Violet stories playing in the mud would be much appreciated. We seem to have forgotten her.

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

I missed you! I think you are totally fabulous, Monica. I love your writing.

January 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

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