Monica Bielanko
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Wherein I Throw Two Brooms On My Roof

There is a broom on my roof. I left it there accidentally. Well, it wasn't exactly an accident. I was throwing the broom in the roof's direction for nearly an hour.

I blame House Hunters.

That damn show. It has us by the balls, it really does. I think it started around Christmas when they aired back-to-back episodes the entire day. They did it on New Year's Day as well. We got all sucked in and looked up and something like eight hours has passed.

We've always been fans but it has morphed into an addiction. The commentary about the couples that Serge provides is unparalleled. I don't enjoy it half as much as when he is breaking down each couple, why they're married and who wears the pants in the family... or which husband secretly enjoys wearing his wife's panties.

His biggest annoyance? Nobody envisions themselves as they really live. Who ARE these people doing all this entertaining, he wants to know. He's right. The number one comment heard on House Hunters? Say it with me: "OOOOH, look at the kitchen/dining room/deck! Perfect for entertaining!"

Really? How often are you entertaining? I mean, I don't know that we've entertained in this house yet and we've lived here for six months or so. But maybe that's just us? Maybe lounging around scratching our private parts and watching House Hunters is a Bielanko thing and you're over there throwing big parties around the island in your kitchen that's perfect for entertaining.

Still, enough with the entertaining!

Also, shut up about the stainless steel and the granite counter tops already. You aren't going to buy this one awesome house because the stove isn't stainless? You can't move in because the counter tops are formica? Change it out, for the love of God! You're spending a couple hundred grand on the house but the white fridge is a deal breaker? I will cut you, I swear to God I will cut you if you don't pick house number two! While I'm at it, enough with the paint color commentary already. That's the least of your damn worries. It takes what? A couple hours, tops, to paint a room? And if one more wife strolls into a walk-in closet and says "This is for me, honey. Where are you going to put your things?" Har, har, har. So help me, God... SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

See? I told you. We have a problem.

But I was telling you about the broom on the roof. Did I mention there are actually two brooms on my roof? There is. I threw them there. Here's what happened:

It was nearly ten in the morning. House Hunters comes on at ten. Violet had been up since five and I had just managed to get her corralled into her bed for a mid-morning nap. You know how it is. Morning times are nuts. NUTS. Breakfast, bath, getting dressed and then Here! Watch Snoopy so I can shower and clothe my own fat ass.

So stars are aligning and everything is settling down right on time. I get some snacks ready, all the while keeping an ear on the baby monitor and an eye on the clock. Ten o'clock! Time for some House Hunters!

I flip on the television... aaaaand nothing. No signal. We have a satellite dish attached to the back of the house. Direct TV. When it snows really hard, the snow covers the dish and our reception gets screwy. Usually I throw the nearest item at the dish, often one of the dogs' tennis balls, and the snow slides off. But this was after a particularly vicious winter storm. And it was still snowing.


I pull on my brand new imitation Uggs and trudge out into the backyard to survey the situation. The snow is so high I can barely make out the mound of satellite dish beneath. A dinky tennis ball is not going to do the trick. With time a wastin' I dash back to the house for my good kitchen broom. But even standing on tiptoe - with my bare ass hanging out the back of my nightshirt - and swiping at the dish doesn't work. The bristles of the broom barely brush the dish.

Ten minutes go by which means I've already missed the first house on House Hunters. "Dammit! All I want is a half hour to eat and enjoy my program! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, GOD? IS IT?" In frustration I heave the broom at the dish. The wooden handle knocks the dish and sends a huge dumping of snow sliding off. Success! I rush back into the house and check the reception. It's still not working. Two frisky dogs at my side, I waddle back out to the dish and heave the broom with all my might. It soars right over the dish and plops into the deep drifts of snow on the roof.


Now House Hunters is nearly over. I console myself with the thought that there's always House Hunters International. It's definitely not House Hunters, but maybe it will be a good one in Europe and not some dumb ass couple looking for a vacation condo in South America.

I lumber into our garage in search of the big push broom Serge sometimes uses to sweep the driveway. This has to do the trick! Broom located I return to the back of the house, take aim, and toss it in such a way that the handle will bang the edge of the dish. A couple snow drifts sprinkle down but not enough to clear the dish. SONOFABITCH!

At this point, it's snowing harder, Max and Milo are barking and I'm cursing. I glance around to make sure no neighbors are peering through fences enjoying the show of the pregnant chick prancing around, sans pants, heaving a broom into the sky.

I lob that damn broom at the dish dozens of times and only earn myself a small sprinkling of snow. It's tense work, you know? Toss the broom too hard and I know it'll end up on the roof, but don't toss it hard enough and it doesn't have enough chutzpah to bang the dish and loosen the snow packed there.

After a good ten minutes of this I trudge back into the house to check the reception. The channel is coming in and out, kind of like scrambled porn on cable, which means I'm getting closer to my own personal Xanadu of House Hunters and quesadillas! Excited, I rush back out and, in my eagerness, toss the damn broom a little too hard. It lands up on the roof next to the other one.

At this point I've been on snow patrol for a good forty-five minutes. House Hunters International is nearly over, I've wasted half of Violet's nap, my hands are frozen and I'm ready to puke because that's what happens when fat, pregnant chicks over-exert themselves.

I'm not going to lie. There were tears.

I cried because I missed House Hunters? The shame, the abject shame of it all!

So yeah, there are currently two brooms on the roof of my house. Now that the snow has melted I figure the neighbors will just assume it's how the witch of the house comes and goes.

Cackle cackle, bitches.

Reader Comments (29)

Gonna say it again. I love your blog! Always brightens my mornings! Who needs House Hunters, we have you and your writing!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCinoda

You missed the number one comment on House Hunters: "Oh wow!!" If I hear that one more time I'm going to gag. The stupid comments about paint color is a bit much too. Other than that, I'm hooked also. A deal-breaker for me...a home that didn't have a gas range or couldn't be converted to gas.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

sorry...are, not is. Typo

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

2 broom bummage. I understand the frustration with that dish. Especially when you are missing your main i miss house hunters. I used to have an apartment with my very own 47 inch flat thing and was just as addicted to that and every next show on that channel. I'd be thinking of all of the stuff I wanted to get done and it would be like " okay, after this next show" ...and then the next and then the next.

I think I'd switch to cable. It's worth losing channels. Save the brooms!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

Regarding entertaining-my husband "entertain" all the time! I love to cook, have wine and cheese parties or formal dining room dinners with my friends, or superbowl parties or really any kind of excuse to have a party. My house is a nice size, but my kitchen is really small-I keep all of my pots/pans/crap in my oven. If my home was featured on House Hunters the kitchen and bathroom would be "deal breakers" for sure-even though I am an expert entertainer!

I don't know how much entertaining I'll be doing in the future-my first baby is due in March sooo...probably not much for a while.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeres

* I meant to write- my husband and I entertain all the time. I mean he "entertains' too but nobody wants to hear about that.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeres

The people on that show are ridonculous! Every woman wants walk-in closets, a tiled master bath with a shower/tub combo, an island in the kitchen, a dining room, hardwood floors, granite counter tops, and stainless steel (which is a pain in the ass to keep shiny and clean). The men always want a giant deck, a giant backyard, and a man cave. Seriously, if I have to hear "This would be a great man cave" one more time, I chucking a shoe at the tv.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

Oh yeah, girl...its the same at our house...we are addicted to HH and IHH and LOVE making fun of the people. Some favorites - where the fat old guy is buying a vacation home for his trophy wife, and they rip out a perfectly good kitchen so the wife can "put her stamp" on the house. Puh-lease. There was one episode where this lady was referring to anything resembling a stone as rockery. "I love the way this rockery blends with this" or "That area of rockery is a nice addition to this space." I try to use rockery in a sentence all the time now because it drives my husband nuts. Have you seen Selling New York yet? That and HH/IHH are about the only things we watch on TV nowadays.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbitsy

Amazing. Just, amazing. You earned that cry.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

I thought we were the only ones that were obsessed with House Hunters?!? The show is addicting... I love International House Hunters too, but only when it's sunny amazing places where I'd love to live. House Hunters Iceland? Not nearly as exciting as House Hunters Bahamas!

Also, just like Jeneria above... if I hear one more comment about how a room would be a perfect "Man Cave" I'm going to hunt down the couple and hurt them.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarie

This just made me laugh so hard.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You must have been watching the old couple about to live in sin when that old bag moves down from New Jersey. Crazy people. I thought my husband and I were the only ones who watched that show and hated on the people for not buying an awesome house because of a white fridge or pink walls. And I'm with Marie on that man cave crap. Man cave? Be thankful you got a closet.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjen

HHI drives me nuts when they're looking for a vacation home in Aruba or wherever. Who has the money to be buying a second home anywhere these days? And those who are off in foreign countries and want a house "just like the one they had in the US". You're living in another country. Get used to it! Embrace the culture!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOpus

According to my mom, my dad shoots a bb gun at his dish when the snow interferes with his directv. Works every time!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErica

Ha - can you guest blog on my real estate website? Because I can't say some of the stuff you can. ;)

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMishell

Don't forget: "Ooh, I love the crown moldings." Good gravy, if you like them so much and, presumably, other houses don't have them, then get yer ass over to Home depot and cough up $5 a yard.

Another pet peeve: When the husband or wife actually gets inside the bathtub and says something like, "Ah, now this I can get used to." Um, ew.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJanet

Ahahahahahahaha. That was so funny. But I'm really sorry about your brooms. That stinks. There has to be something else you can macgyver together to make a better snow removal system. I used to watch House Hunters and International every night from 10-11 for years and years, but I heft my pregnant ass into bed by 9:30 every night because I'm too tired to enjoy much of anything.

I have, not from choosing it myself as my in-laws are our landlords, an Entertaining Kitchen (granite, stainless, island, the works). I'm pretty sure, not counting delivery people, we've had a total of 8 people even enter our house ever. So I'm with you on those delusional House Hunter people who are having everyone over all the time. We hate sports and like video games, so we're not really very popular.

I did catch some of that Xmas marathon, though, and saw what will probably be my favorite episode ever. These McMansion douchenozzles were moving from Bumble, Ohio to outside of Baltimore/DC to a pretty expensive suburb. They were so pissed that they weren't getting their usual McMansion upgrades like the house they paid 18 bucks for in Bumble. There's no deck! And no room for a gymnastics practice!?!?! Something evil in me was so pleased. I was shouting at the tv like a crazy person, haha, east coast, bitches, get used to it!!! No, you don't get a house that comes with an entertaining desk! Build your own, suckas!

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

".this wallpaper/border has to go"

I put Contact paper on the kitchen and bathroom walls of a shack I rented back in '89. The landlady did a walk through with me on the day I left ( one day after my front yard wedding) and said..."um...Is this...CONTACT paper?" I thought it looked nice.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

You rock. Plain and simple. Thanks for helping me feel better as I'm home sick today. I'm just pissed that House Hunters isn't having a marathon right now. I'm stuck watching America's Next Top Bitches, uh, er, I mean, Models.

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJust Jill

and I'm fairly sure that little mock get together they have to celebrate the new home is with 'set people' and not friends of the house hunters themselves. Who are they kidding? They don't have any friends either...

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

Have you ever noticed how the host of the show always drags out her name when she says it "This is Suzanne Woooong" You are priceless. I can just see you hoisting the broom and cursing. Direct Tv should have a snow buster built i to the dish like a heat element or somethin, no?

January 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterniobe19

I love that show - beautiful home, right price range but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE IS THE DOUBLE SINK IN THE BATHROOM?!?!

January 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEvan

Sweet Lord I feel your pain. I live oh about, 20 miles south of you and I know EXACTLY the snow storm you speak of and guess what, I'm 30 weeks pregnant. And. We have DirectTV. One more thing, I'm a House Hunters addict too. CURSE THIS DAMN UTAH WEATHER!!!!!! I need to go home to my sweet So Cal immediately.

I will freakin kill the next bitch who walks into a townhome and complains about the back yard. IT'S A GODDAMN TOWNHOME HONEY!!! You want land for your $75k? Move to fucking North Dakota!

January 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlli

Fantastic post, thank you. It is no doubt that the roof is essential part of the house that it could be decoration as well. People can grow plants on the roof, or use glass and other materials for roof.

January 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterroofing sydney

LMAO! I love that show, and I agree with you: I want to punch them in the face when they reject a house over granite counter tops. but maybe it's because personally, I think they're so friggin' ugly. if I bought a house with those things, I'd rip them out right away! but I do love how they are often house hunting in toronto and the people all have strong canadian accents. oooh, look: that's where we can put our coouch! oover there, eh!

January 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteramy

Never seen the show (never heard of it to be honest)
we entertain
i have stainless steel appliances and graninte benchtops and a matching outdoor granite table that seats 14
and we have people over at least once a week, sometimes twice
and during the summer holidays period......nearly every night.

which is why next up we're putting in a woodfired pizza oven in the garden....too hot to cook inside during summer and you can't have BBQed meat every night.

January 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Holy shit!! every post on here was just as hilarious as monica's broom escapade, except sarah's...Hers was the funniest of all!!!

January 31, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermama

You crack me up! The visual i got thinking about you bare assed knocking the snow off the direct TV dish makes all things right in the world. I would totally do something like that, I'm sure the neighbors are thinking I'm some pregnant nut with some bizarre antics trying clean out ran gutters from a 18" wide balcony in a hellacious rain storm or some such (which I did about a month ago, BTW). No snow in southern California but 6 inches of rain = storm watch 2011. Gotta have an outlet, even if if it's yelling at the TV, right? No snow or rain should come between you and Mrs.Walk In Closet and Mr Man Cave.

Those HDTV house hunter arseholes are hilarious. No granite? install that ugly shit or better yet, wait and see in a year when that crap is as OUT as avocado green and orange was after the 70's. Still like that 90's vanity you installed? i don't think so...

I can't help but watch or just look at the train wrecks that people turn their house into by "updating" them. I think those shows make me feel better (or just more smug about my actual design credentials). Paint the bloody wall and get some new curtains, you moron!! If I can do that pregnant, you can surely do that in your current state, Mrs. Walk-in closet/I hate that wallpaper border.

Anyway thanks for the good belly laughs. My 8 1/2 month pregnant jiggle belly can relate. Melted cheese sounds really good, by the way. Maybe I'll have me some quesadilla and some HDTV action to drown out the anxiety of having to change OB-GYNs at nearly 34 weeks. Sound advice you are giving here, sound advice. More melted cheese, please!

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFunkyAmazon

Hah, yeah, I get your frustration. Those satellite dishes can be real convenient when they want to, but due to their location, they can be a slight bother when the weather is bad. The height wherein they're placed can be a pretty big disadvantage. A ladder can help, but considering your condition and the weather, it would be very unwise, yeah?

- Chantay Smithingell

March 29, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChantay Smithingell

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