Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Mom Flirtations And Other Stuff

I just wrote a whole post that got deleted. Do you know what a bummer that is? Sat here for an hour telling you a bunch of shit and then zap. I lost my connection at the same time I hit save so the computer froze as it was saving and then I hit the back arrow and BOOM. Nothin' but miles of empty screen mocking my writerly attempts..

I can't bring myself to write it again. I'm all writ out. So now I'm typing this shit you're reading right this very second to type shit but really I want to chuck this stupid computer at the wall because I'm so mad.

Random item: you know how when you go into a public restroom and all the stalls look closed even though you know they aren't all occupied so you kind of have to bend down and check for feet before you choose which one to go in? Know how once in a blue moon you just don't feel like bending down so you'll push on a stall door because past experience dictates it'll either be locked because someone is inside or it'll open because it's empty? Know how the one time you don't check for feet and just pick a stall is the one time someone taking what appears to be a massive shit is inside and didn't lock the stall door? That sucks.

2nd random item: Seriously. What is the deal with iPod ear buds? I can lay them out on a desk and the next time I go to get them they are tangled beyond belief. Are they alive? Do they move when I'm not looking? Are they tangling just to fuck with me? Takes me ten minutes to untangle them every time I want to use the fuckers.

3rd random item: I think a woman flirted with me at the YMCA the other day. Not in a lesbian-I-want-to-get-with-you way, but in a we're-both-moms-and-I-want-to-be-your-friend kind of way. (But seriously, why aren't more lesbians flirting with me in an I-want-to-get-with-you way? I'm a little offended that I've never been hit on by a girl hoping to get with me.) It was really cute. Like junior high dating all over again except instead of asking me if I hate our science teacher Mr. Robertson the new pick-up line is "How old is your baby?" But I'm awfully shy when stuff like that happens. I'd love new mom friends but dread the horror of small talk so much that I often can't get past those first few weeks of awkward friendship, preferring instead to drink beer alone and read In Touch magazine.

God, I'm a sad sack.

4th random item: Have you been reading Serge's blog, Thunder Pie, lately? He's got a couple new posts up. Wrote about a nudie video I made him and some other stuff. He annoys me with all his good writing while I'm over here pecking at the keyboard about public restrooms like some demented chicken.

5th random item: I hate being wet after a shower. I've noticed it more and more these past couple years. I keep a big towel right next to the shower and the minute I turn off the water I immediately towel off all the random drops. I DO NOT LIKE TO DRIP.

What's that about?

Reader Comments (12)

I made my first mom friend! Well-I met her in August and it has taken us THIS long to plan a "playdate" because I think both of us were scared of hanging out with a new friend we didn't meet at school. This is seriously the first "adult" friend I've made on my own. Not being introduced by someone, not a wife, sister, sister in law, cousin or anything. We were just both at the park one day and had a great conversation and exchanged emails.

I went to her house and brought a bottle of wine because I was like "there is no way I am getting through this without alcohol" She totally had the same idea and opened the bottle before my coat was off. Her daughter danced and sang for us and played with my baby. It was SO fun! We are going to hang out again this month!

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

You should really put yourself out their to meet some friends. I have always been content with just my husband, children and my husbands family and kids. I finally allowed myself to meet some new people and it is great to see how much fun you can have with real live friends! I'm not saying I haven't met my fair share of "frenemies" but I have a good core group of friends that I really have a good time with and enjoy their company.

Random thing..... Frenenmies sometimes I just want to punch them in the face and say "how you like me now, Biatch"

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercjsmom

and don't mind my grammatical errors! ha!

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercjsmom

one of the WORST experience is unexpected deletion of something you feel was worthwhile. I had that happen the other day and it was the time I flushed a sapphire and diamond pendant down the toilet accidentally. I think the whole area could have heard that NO!!!!!! awful loss. Most recently it was a long poem I had written for my local laundromat. He had been asking me to do one for at least a year, intending to have them hung on the would have been my first public exhibit...I could barely remember what I wrote and have not gone back to do it.

Random 1: Toilet barge-ins...never happened to me, but I had this one toilet experience when my hair was really short. " You don't belong in here Sonny." Another time I walked out of there with toilet paper streamer. How embarrassing.

ramdom 3: I don't own an ipod. my ex gave me his old one one but I gave it away. Ear-bud. I hate that word. Reminds me of potatoes growing in the ears, yo. My 'earbuds' plugged into the elliptical tv thing and fell out constantly. Prefer headphones. One wire.

Random 4- it IS hard to make friends. It feels corny. I think I will try to make friends in Florida and will keep in touch with the people i love from my old job. I completely understand how you feel re: making friends. Like Teresa here I would open the wine too. Much easier than stumbling in the dark through stinking small talk. I convinced everyone that I have ASBERGERS and ADD. Remember Monica there are always people who are worse at small talk than you. You actually seem like a natural at random-talk. Better than small talk. Random rocks the small talk shock. Hey...

Have you ever tried Shock Top beer?

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

How is it that ipod headphones never miraculously UNTANGLE?

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulia

can't ever have too many thirsty towels or throw pillows.

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

You're a funny mummy! You totally should reach out to the mom who tried to pick you up, ahem.... she may be as awkward in the beginning as you, OR she's a fabulous socializer and you can get some pointers.

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

-I have had the same thought about those freakin' earbuds a million times! It also sends me into a rage if those f'ers get caught on something and pull while they are in my ear!! >I
-I feel the same way about being wet after a shower. And I am sorry if you do this or anyone reading this does but I cant stand it when women(or men w/ long hair) put on a shirt with wet hair! Seriously at least put it up or something your shirt is all wet now and you cant put your hair up because ppl will think you have an over-perspiration problem. Dry your hair ppl! I had a friend that did this and it drove me nuts...she said she didnt even notice. :l
-I have never pushed the restroom door in on someone but have you ever had a restroom stall that would not stay shut...seriously!
-You are most def not a sad sack. Get over it you have friends...if you want mom friends you'll get mom friends. Sometimes you can tell even early on when the first few weeks wouldnt be worth it...She's nice and all but seems like a lot of up keep. The one thing about some friends is they can be too needy. It's frustrating and they must not be able to tell...and you cant tell them so whats that point...kinda...sometimes...right? ;)
**Sorry this got so bad :D

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

First of all...yes, Serge is a great and profound writer and that is awesome. I love reading his stuff. But you are a great writer too. You absolutely nail it head on when you talk about mothering stuff and life stuff and you make people laugh and want to come back for more...and more...and more! Ease up on yourself. You are doing GREAT!

Second...yeah...making new mom friends in a new town. So not easy, especially if not attending church -- so many people make friends at church, it seems. I was so desperate when my first was born that I'd go to the playground and get all sad because other mothers had gone there in PAIRS. They'd all grown up here and I totally had not (born in Massachusetts, raised in Connecticut, had babies in KANSAS). They'd been friends forever and I had NO FRIENDS within 1,000 miles. What made it worse was that this is a college and military town, so I actually had someone with kids just a little older than mine say to me, "'re affiliated with the university? I refuse to make friends with people who are at the university or in the military, because you'll all just move away." Knife to gut. And here I am, 10 years later, with far better friends than you EVER would have been, beeeeaaaaaaaatch!

I finally started going to a Parents As Teachers playgroup for parents of the 0-18 months set. The first few times, there were two or three women there. We talked, but I felt no real connection. Potential for connection with one of them, but she was totally miserable here and was just waiting for her husband to be transferred to another state, so was totally not interested in making actual friends. THEN! Then, then, week Sarah showed up with her son who was 3 months younger than my daughter. She smiled, she laughed, she told stories that I found hilarious! She was smart and, honest to God, it was Love At First Sight for me. Never experienced that with a man, but I sure as hell did with potential-friend-Sarah. The playgroup continued for several more months...the best weeks were those when only Sarah and I showed up. The second I met her, though, I knew she could be my good friend and I could only hope she felt the same. AND SHE DID! Still great friends, 10 years later, and have seen each other through so much stuff. Haven't seen the others in the playgroup in at least 8 years.

No way to get to the great new friends without taking the risk on the rejects. (Ooops...does that sound judgy and harsh?). Good luck! Wine at home is awesome, but Mommy playgroups with a woman/some women you actually like (or love) -- with or without wine? Priceless!

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Oh man, I know how you feel about the wanting new friends but being awkward about the beginning small talk. I think it would be easier with a baby? Idk. Maybe not.

November 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTashi

I love your use of the term Sad Sack. Reminds me of the Raggy Dolls.

November 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterA

I saw this and thought of you

November 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJeanie

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