Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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I Am The Moby Dick to Your Ahab. Or I Am Ahab and I Want Your Moby Dick

Whoa. That's a lot of induction talk there. Who knew it was such a debatable thing? I guess everyone but me.

This pregnancy thing is rife with debate, ain't it? Every damn thing you do has, like, a billion studies to back up why you should or shouldn't be doing that thing. Wine is okay, wine will kill your baby! Oh my God, OH MY GOD is that deli meat you're eating?! And the tuna! Full of mercury you murdering motherfucker! Are you dying your hair? Just know that your son will probably have two heads all because you wanted to be blonde, YOU SELFISH BITCH ASS BITCH.

Still, I appreciate your comments, I really do. Serge read them all, like, ten times and then we talked and talked and, well, here is the latest on the whole question of whether to induce. Yes, of course you have to click over to Babble. That's how mama's paying for this baby, yo!

But listen, I wanted to talk about something else over here. And yes, it has to do with pregnancy so I'm sorry. I'M SORRY! Hopefully the little fella will be out within the week and you won't have to hear about vagina-related things anymore. But for now? THERE IS A SEVEN POUND HUMAN IN MY BODY AND HE NEEDS TO COME OUT SO IT IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

Ahem. Moving on: Sex during pregnancy.

There are these women, wanton husband-stealers like Angelina Jolie, who wax poetic about how horny they were during pregnancy and I'm like WHAT? Because all I could do in the first trimester was puke my guts out and who the hell feels like showcasing their stretched, naked ass during the third trimester?

And yet. People-in-the-know say that sex helps induce labor. Can you vouch for these people-in-the-know? What do you know? So, after reading up on this sex induces labor thing I told Serge he might have to harpoon this whale - if you know what I'm saying - and after he recovered from the shock of me inviting him to actually touch my body he mimed a penis hitting a baby in the head. Of course that's just silly but what if I have a contraction during the deed? Because seriously, I'm having these Braxton Hicks bastards every five minutes. I keep picturing my vagina snapping shut like those man-eating plants from The Little Shop of Horrors.

Also, my vagina has been out of use for quite some time now and I told Serge that maybe he needed to dust her off and clear a path for his son.

I don't think that helped convince him.

So maybe, just maybe I should have some Marvin Gaye at the ready for when he arrives home from work... Who can resist Marvin Gaye? And wine, of course. Lots and lots of wine. For him, not me, you judgmental bastards.

I mean, really. Who wouldn't want to get with this???

Reader Comments (21)

OMG you crack me up......I'm sure Serge is dying to get with that!!! Good luck can't wait to hear all about it....the birth not the other:)

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

I told my husband I was done around seven months, but the other night I said we had to because I. need. to. have. this. baby (I'm 38 weeks now). Of course it didn't work, and now I just feel sorry for him having to go through that.
Makes me re-think all the times pre-pregnancy when I didn't put out because I ate a big dinner and didn't want him to think I looked fat..

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJaclyn

I don't know who all of those sexytime people are either. That shop has been closed pretty much since August, for us. I think my husband is afraid of me puking on him or hurting me (considering I've been flat on my back with sciatica since December, off and on.) Still, from a practical point of view, I suggest a port or starboard approach for the Captain. It's been the only comfortable position and now I'm officially out of boating terms. Good luck...matey? Okay, now I'm done.

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchristine

I don't know about Serge, but I want to Zerrrrrrbbbbbbbrrrrrrt, your belly, and kiss you on the nose 'cause you're so damn cute!!!

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergiac

I did it a million times, to induce labor and it didn't do a damn thing. I also had vericose veins in my crotch and it was so swollen and purple, no joke, it was like Angelina Jolie's lips on steriods. I would rather give birth naturally then have to deal with the pain that sex caused during that time, but I wanted that baby out so damn bad that I did anything I could. But to be honest, I'm sure Serge could care less what everything looks like, he's a guy, they stick it in anything.:)

Also, get induced. I got induced a WEEK early and Kamden weighed 8 lbs. 13 ounces and tore me up coming up every which way you could think of. I would suggest not using the pitocin, but what I used was a gel that they put on your cervix. With pitocin you have to stay in bed with a drip, with this gel, I got to sit my fat ass in a tub and meander around the hospital for a few hours. It worked though at I got it at 8am and had Kamden at 2:30pm. Not to bad:) Good luck mama!

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKami

I was one of those sex crazed pregnant women but I never had any morning sickness either. (Don't hate me!)
Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. No one else should have a say! This is your body and your baby so it is your choice how you want to bring the little man into this world.
Here's to hoping it is an easy and safe delivery and for a healthy baby B.
Good luck!

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristina

Why don't you do it for love? For the intimacy factor? As a show of compassion for your husband who physically needs relief? And it will help you too!!!

Why don't you just drink ONE glass of wine, take a warm bath and RELAX and employ some (lowers voice) mutual masturbation first? Having an orgasm and then adding sperm is almost as effective as those laminaria sticks for opening the cervix.

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShera

oh, for the love of Merge... Okay, from what I have read, there seems to be some connection with the mechanics of sex/ pressures applied to certain parts of the body and the release of oxytocin, which enhances dilation and cervical thinning. Relaxation is a huge factor as you well know...

Here is something I found: "One of the most commonly used is nipple stimulation, which leads to the release of a hormone called oxytocin. The synthetic version of oxytocin is commonly used to chemically induce labor. A bumpy car ride works for at least some, and so does having sex. Exercise, such as walking, using a swing, belly dancing, using a hoola hoop, and squatting for a short while, helps your baby to descend better and your cervix to dilate. This in turn increases your own natural oxytocin release, which brings on labor.

Relaxing to reduce muscle tension is also very important, because tension and stress can get in the way of your labor. Meditation and visualization are excellent ways not only to relax, but also to get labor started. Your imagination and subconscious mind are powerful tools. Just by thinking of your favorite food you start to feel hungry or by imagining something scary you become terrified. Likewise, focusing your mind on labor helps to bring it on and progress with it."

The article ends with a link to a site for accupressure ( done at 41 weeks) which is said to bring it on. Of course it was one of those really long articles which hook you (if you can last that long) into buying some product, literature or CD...

the selfless act of copulation can't hurt, right?

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

I don't want to laugh at your dilemma, or at gina's comment (above), but now I'm picturing a 39-weeks-pregnant woman using a hula hoop and I can't stop giggling.

Haven't been pregnant (yet), so no advice from here. Good luck!

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKP

It's all about the proper stimulation. You may succeed in getting some really good contractions from an orgasm or nipple stimulation - or both! Or neither. It realy just depends. I puked from week 4 through birth of my daughter but we still had sex right up until the week I delivered. And who boy those last couple weeks when I actually had an orgasm my whole belly wold be rock hard from the contractions.

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMrsK

Gotta say, "doin' it" sent me into hard-core labor and I had the baby 1.5 hours post-coital. That said..we were just doing it for fun. No expectations, just good, ol' fashioned fun. I enjoyed sex the entire pregancy...and I was HUGE. Even when I felt like a whale, I pretended like I wanted it...and eventually I REALLY did. Fake it til ya make it..just make sure you make it. Good luck!

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmee

Sex won't necessarily help. Prostaglandins from semen are supposed to help "ripen" the cervix, but so will sticking up evening primrose oil.
Orgasms can help. No dicks required.
I went into labour immediately after sliding down a mountain on my butt. That works, but maybe riding around in a truck on a gravel road is better. Especially if you are close to a hospital or wherever you want to give birth.


February 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterprairienymph

I've been a huge whore for both my pregnancies...poor brian.
With Scarlett I made him have sex with me constantly and I was still 11 days overdue.
It wasn't until I went and shoveled my neighborhood's driveways that my waterbroke.
Manual labor...which I guess is the same as sex...

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

The fun is in the trying. No harm in that! I agree with the others mentioning you having the orgasm though - maybe it'll trigger those braxton hicks into the full blown real deal?! Maybe? Hopefully? Well, if not, at least you'll get some feel good endorphins going! Hell yeah!

For the record though (my record, I should say): Three pregnancies. ALL overdue. Had late pregnancy sex with all three. ALL three stayed put. And with all three, my water broke, and labor WOULD NOT start. Had pit with all three - all very different deliveries, but no issues - or c-sections...

Oh yeah, and don't forget the pizza! ;)

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJust Jill

Sometimes, don't you read the comments and then want to just stab your eye out? Cause I feel like I would if I were you. Like ohhhhhhhh, right, I should just calm down and offer relief to my husband, that'll do er.

UGH. Seriously, I'm sending you good old fashioned I hope you have this baby vibes. No assvice included.

February 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey

you are so funny, thanks for the laughs! I'm not laughing at you, but with you because I'm thinking I may be in your place in about 6 weeks. Can laughing induce labor? Cause if it does, I'll be rereadin' a bunch of your posts.

I hope you feel better and get the kid out, whatever you decide to do.

This whale loves the IDEA of sex but the act makes me shudder. I'm SO GROSS! Hubby doesn't seem to think so, but maybe he's just a good liar...

February 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFunkyAmazon

What the verdict on vibrators during the last days of pregnancy? I'm genuinely just wondering. Is that a viable option?

February 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterZS

Golly Vee, Ms. Monica, if you're not looking absolutely vibrant these last days of pregnancy!

Sending good vibes.

February 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGina

I love this picture so much I want to kiss you! Seriously, you are a rock star.

February 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTricia L

I love the girl who!

February 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentershuga

I was on pelvic rest until full term because I was high risk of having another pre-term baby. The night I was let off pelvic rest we dtd (fully aware it might be our last chance in a long time since having a new baby in the house isn't exactly an aphrodisiac). I went into labor during sex and proceeded to have the baby about 4 hours later. So, in my experience doing the deed definitely shortened the pregnancy!

August 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

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