Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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For Linda: Who Thinks I Am Only Negative

Violet is a fantastic child. She's cool as hell although she has recently displayed an alarming ability to throw an excellent tantrum, terrible-two style. In response I have recently displayed an amazing ability to remain calm and ignore her.

I read somewhere that when a kid is flipping out is exactly when they need the most love. It stuck with me. So when she's winging tiny, plastic people at me and screaming the banshee howl of the undead I hold out my arms and ask if she wants to hug it out.

Sometimes she wants to hug it out and I feel triumphant in motherhood. Other times I am rewarded for my Mother Theresa-like behavior with a giant Lego to the noggin. Still, I've been known to smile beautifically and remove myself from her premises. Often I am impressed by her tantrums although I would never tell her. She will demonstrate some wicked bedroom destroying antics and I'll mentally nod in appreciation and think; Daaaamn, girl. That there is some sass! I LIKE IT.

So, for those of you alarmed by my violently negative reaction to pregnancy, I feel just the opposite about motherhood and that's the important part, yeah? Pregnancy is for nine months, although it feels like eternity. It's parenting that is forever.

Because Violet is such a peach Serge and I were certain that Henry would be a veritable Chuckie of torment. It's just how fate seems to work. A couple of fuckers like me and Serge don't deserve two kick-ass kids, do we? But I'll be damned - KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER! - if that's not what we have.

This little Henry fella is as sweet as they come. He farts a lot, yes, with the same timbre and length as his rot gut father, but somehow, when Henry does it it's an airy miracle of physiology. When Serge does it I throw up a little in my mouth.

I find it easier to write and crack jokes when I share the upsetting, negative aspects of my life. In a way, it's my therapy. Have a fight with Serge, write about it in a funny light, and I end up feeling better about the whole thing. Hey, I think. Aren't we just hilarious? We are! We totally are! After that, the whole argument seems to go away, no dwelling. Maybe I'm believing my own hilarious hype, but it helps me make light of some pretty heavy shit in my life.

Even though there are plenty of wonderful things underway, I don't often wax poetic about them because, well, is there anything worse than someone yammering on and on about how great their life is? There are about 1.2 million Mormon mommy bloggers (this website is a satirical take on those blogs of which I speak and it is galactically awesome!) who have that market cornered. Dunno if they're genuine or hopped up on the painkillers subscribed in abundance here in Utah, but I tire of the happy horseshit quickly.

Perhaps, if I can be so bold as to assert, negativity is my forté? Serge even says so. Although I don't think he means it as a compliment. But whatever. He's no ray of sunshine either, I assure you.

Reader Comments (26)

you are AWESOME!

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanni

Fuck Linda!!! and all them other haters that cant seem to get enough of you :D You are magnetic doll which is y i am sure so many people cant get enough of your blog. I know I cant! I read one blog and have been hooked ever since (but not in a creepy stalker way) ; )

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Your blog kicks ass. I come here everyday looking for a laugh. As the mother of a 3 yr old and 3 month old, I can relate on so many levels. Thank you for being YOU.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteramyinaustin

I can't stand those super-happy positive mommy blogs. They make me want to barf. I like witty, sarcastic, HONEST blogs - and yours is one of my absolute favorites. I will second the thanks for just being you!

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLK

I don't get it. Why do people keep reading stuff they don't like and then bitch about why you are so negative? And who agrees with everything one person says or does? I don't even agree with all the stuff I've ever said or done -- maybe I should go wag my finger in the mirror to myself. Argh. I'm going to have a liquid lunch now while I keep my husband down by making him work a job he's over qualified to do because, you know, I sooo have that power over him.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNegative Nina

I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable or nervous or any other time I start to feel a really strong emotion. It's my defense mechanism. So I totally understand where you're coming from.

I also will admit that I defended Linda because I really didn't think she was being mean-spirited.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

Making light. A terribly, terribly underrated skill.

I thought you said "moron mommy bloggers" for a minute before I realized that you said "Mormon." I was going to tell you that you had even bigger balls than I thought. But I still think you have big balls to put it out there, especially on a site like Babble which seems to collect people who may not completely comprehend your style of writing.

I throw up in my mouth a little when I see the people who just act like life is all perfect with sunshine and rainbows coming out of their babies' asses. I'm probably about to get about 10,000 times more sarcastic when my kid comes out. I hope he doesn't mind.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFunkyAmazon

Monica you are the best..I really like you, I've told you that many times, because you are so real, you talk about everything good or bad and can tell stories in a really interesting way. I've been hooked to your stories for years & years and I still come back looking for your stories at least once a the way how on earth do you have time / energy to write so regularly with a toddler and a newborn? My daughter is 6 months and I still struggle to find time to go to the toilet! Well done u x Paula

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterP

There's a blog a friend and I follow, written by a former co-worker/friend of ours. We're always making sure the other has read it, seeing what level of sickness it can take us too. We refer to it as the "Sunshine" blog, short for "Sunshine Shooting out of her Ass" blog. @FunkyAmazon, I didn't steal that from you, promise. Problem is, we CAN'T STOP READING IT! It's like a freaking train wreck! I am really tempted to post this link in her comments anonymously.... nah, better not.

And your "screaming the banshee howl of the undead" killed me. Damn funny! You're such a trooper. !

okay,so.... IF you were going to put this blog to fireworks...i mean, music, what song would you force people to listen to while they read about your wonderfully 'Awsful' life!?

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

PS. "Seriously Blessed" resonates with something that sounds like the opening song of those Disney teen shows. Is is?

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

Girl, don't ever feel like you have to defend your blog. Crappy commenters come and go, but at the end of it, this your life, your emotions on the page. You don't have to defend yourself to us.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah B

@Jeneria - I don't think Linda was being mean-spirited either. This post wasn't meant to be a bitter response to her, more of an explanation.

@Gina - The Verve: Bittersweet Symphony.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

This is the same reason I am very skeptical of having a 2nd child... the first one was relatively easy. I can only guess the 2nd will be a nightmare. Case in point...first child me, I was pretty well behaved. My sister, 2nd child, had colic for almost 9 months, and refused to eat or sleep for all that time, aka nightmare.
As for a two year old's tantrums are really impressive. O impresses me all the time in new ways to torture me and her father. The other night, she refused to brush her teeth. She was already in time out for being a smart ass. And instead of walking to the bathroom (or no ELMO or ABBY), she pulled herself on her belly a goo 4 yards from the time out spot to the bathroom. There are others, but a Mom's memory is short. So it's the best I've got.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRidgewoodMom

LOVE IT, love you and I'm pretty sure you are my long lost sister.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

a good tromping song too! You BE that way. Sometimes, Monica, it's how we ALL feel and yeah, it's good and healthy to get it out here on your blog. Makes our lives a little more interesting and you see how you're never really alone, are ya.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

I am a recent reader, but please do not change the way you blog about the realities of marriage and motherhood. Sometimes it is awesome and wonderful and magical, but it also sometimes sucks donkey ass. Anyone who faults you for writing about the bad as well as the good needs to up their dose of Prozac.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

You are hilare. I am very much like you in that I can make the best joke out of the worst circumstances, but when things are OK-- I feel like I'm spinnin' my wheels. I can connect with you so well Monica!

I'm so happy that your kids are little sweeties; you deserve them.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

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March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDon York

I kinda like the fact you are bold enough to address the crazies, and then offer an explanation to some feedback. I think that's awesome. I think YOU are awesome though, and find you and your hubby completely charming - sarcastic as hell and all. Your blog is such a refreshing change, and one that I find to be the most easy to relate with. Anyhow, you go mama.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

i left a comment saying you whine a lot, and i take it back. you have some serious class. please continue to write whatever you like, it's awesome.

i'm twenty one with no desire for or prospect of child, and your blog is wonderful. even your babble one.

March 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermushroom

I like you just the way you are.

March 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

eff the haters girl, love your honesty about everything, too bad everyone isn't as honest and open as you....xxoo

March 18, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

@mushroom - no need to take it back! I do whine a lot. I also wine a lot.

March 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

Oh, I actually feel sorry for Linda! I went back and read it all - yes, you get paid, ok, I will click ;-) and I do think she was just being...concerned. But I know you are super happy so I like the bitching, because I, too hate the sunshine and roses.

I totally do that with Em, too, hug it out. Sometimes it really really works and sometimes I end up saying a version of " You are being a monster, go to your room." But she's 6 now and I never said negative things to her before except possibly, "I love you but you are making Mommy crazy!".

Kvetching is part of your writing voice. That's okay. My voice was something like "Drinky mommy who spends a lot of time thinking about shoes and music". We gotta have a line!

March 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLiz aka EDW

I love the comments in this blog nearly as much as the writing itself. I think that is what makes me want to read it frequently. I really like the fact that Monica is interacting with her audience as well as posting her thoughts, it's part of the fun. It makes it feel less like lurking with a fake internet identity or making up some silly comment or trolling to piss people off. I genuinely enjoy getting a laugh out of the comments. The Anon- "sunshine shooting out of her ass" commentary that follows some good, gritty, sarcastic writing makes me think about the concept what she's writing about. I imagine that it is very funny, I can only imagine what comes of it! I also get great pleasure out of Gina's comments about being bitter and shriveled, as sometimes it's just a bitter, shriveled day that sucks ass.

Laughing at my own misery is a pastime of mine and it seems this blog collects a nice group of funny, smart people who can play the same game. You have created a nice little "community" here, keep it up.

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFunkyAmazon

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