Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Getting A Root Canal Is The Most Relaxed I've Been For Weeks

I got super stoned today. It was awesome. Nothing like getting baked first thing in the morning. I'm visiting lots of doctors this month. Had the dentist Tuesday, the endodontist (root canal man) today, gynecologist tomorrow and even an orthopedist next week.

That's a lotta doctors, yo.

But dude, the root canal as been the best, at least so far. If my gynecologist offers me some laughing gas before he goes in tomorrow I'll totally reconsider. But getting high and then fingered would feel a little too much like a date in college so maybe we should leave the nitrous oxide in the tooth guy's capable hands.

So listen. Sssssooo sssstooooned. It was glorious. And ultimately unfortunate. Here's what happened: they put on the laughing gas and then went to finish up the other person in the office. I had, like, a solid half hour of full throttle laughing gas before they even started the root canal. Suddenly life was excellent. Root canal? Pffft. This is AWESOME. No crying kids, no dirty diapers, no laundry, no dinner to fix, I want a root canal every day!

But what good is being high if there's no one to share the magic with, right? So I "stoned dialed" Serge. Like drunk dial, but with laughing gas! As is always the case, the sober guy is never much fun. Didn't he understand? The universe was open wide, y'all! I was at one with the sun and moon. Double rainbow, the whole goddamn nine yards. But he couldn't see the universe for the trees, was doing trivial stuff like feeding and bathing our offspring so I hung up with him and just sat there for a while giggling into my hands for no reason.

Then an even better idea hit me. I should tweet stuff while high! It will be AMAZING.

It wasn't amazing. It's like that asshole on Facebook that keeps telling you what he's eating. But there dumb ass Monica is, tweeting away while stoned.

But you guys, sitting in the chair, inhaling nitrous oxide like it was the last bit of oxygen on the planet, was the most relaxed I've been since Henry was born. I don't go to bars, I don't do anything. So this little slice of mind altering awesomeness made me drunk with the awesomeness of it all. Remember, the universe was cracked wide open and everything was as it should be. I wanted to call everyone and say hi! I wanted to go home and have sex with Serge! I wanted to be inappropriate and irresponsible.

This is what it's come to y'all. I get off on root canals. What a kick ass path I'm carving out for myself over here.

So I'm stoned, tweeting nonsense, then I had an even better idea: I should text my boss at FOX and share the awesomeness!

Um, yeeeeaah. Kind of turned out the same way it did when I drunk dialed one of the big wigs at ABC in New York City. After they fired me. Did you hear me? I thought it was a good idea to drunk dial a boss who just fired me. Had some bizarre need to let him know there were no hard feelings, that I was a totally hip chick. "Hey, I've pretty much been drunk since you fired me but it's all good! I totally understand! I'm a happening, easy-going gal!" He was, of course, embarrassed for me and hung up as quickly as he could. Seriously? Am I missing some kind of important chip other people get that warns them how stupid it is to converse with employers while drunk and/or high?

Of course I thought of none of this as I set about texting my boss while stoned out of my mind. The universe was open, y'all! I would be brilliant!

Now, sitting here in my living room as my heart throbs in my jaw, reading the "brilliance" that revealed itself to my boss - and I want to die. Just for you I'll relay a few of the texts (complete with typos) I sent while stoned. To my boss. The one that pays me.

I am sszToned - 11:00 AM

Do u know how to turn up nitrous oxide? - 11:01 AM

gllllorious - 11:02 AM

Fox is om - 11:02 AM

I am watchi,ng fox 11:03 AM

Rooot canal beer - 11:03 AM

U r my favorite - 11:04 AM

Am i yyour favorite - 11:08 AM

That's a real go-getter right there. I should totally ask for a raise, right?

Reader Comments (22)

That post was &^$(!^!!! hilarious! Laughing gas...I didn't get that when I had my root canal. I'm going to fire my endodontist and find a better one (who uses the gas) for next time. I just had my appendix out on Friday - sure wish they'd have used laughing gas for that...

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHanni

Today I learned I am an a-hole. Actually, I already knew that.

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDavid Wells

Well shit, I am one of those assholes on Facebook that tells people what I am eating/cooking/planning, etc. But I suppose that comes with being a personal chef. I am glad you enjoyed your high and I hope the high-tech version of drunk dialing your boss didn't backfire. I suspect he appreciates you for who you are and didn't mind.

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJuli

Monica. If you were not already married, I would marry you solely on the basis of this one post. And I'm not the only one, either. Mag-freaking-nificent. Great, great writing, news lady.

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpaulmurff

I guess I'm one of those a-holes, too (see my Facebook omelette pictures). Say hi to your Fox boss for me!

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGeoff

Did your Fox boss reply? I want to know if you're his/her favorite too.

My sister in law posts non-stop every single god damned thought she ever has on FB. Live. As it's happening. The woman has no filter. I want to cut her.

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJust Jill

I've decided that your blog is worth the comment section alone!

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMrsK

Now you know why I have nitrous even when having my teeth cleaned. But text while "under"? All I want to do is zone out and absent myself from reality for a while. Besides, I don't think I'd be coordinated enough under the circumstances.

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarole

damn, i wish the laffing gassss had made me feel that glorious when i was giving birth. by the way, you texting your boss while stoned = me drunk-emailing you after a bottle of wine. (watch out, i'm currently halfway through one...)

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchristine from canada

drunken twitting...a party of one. I remember having all 4 wisdom teeth pulled at once, and thinking...I wish he had to pull more. Is that SICK?! The next time I had the laughing gas, the dentist left me there and I was inhaling deeply. Suddenly I was looking down into this black and white pinwheel thing, it was like a descent into the maelstrom? I thought I was dying and ripped the thing off my face...air gimmee air!
Anyway, your experience reminds me of this:

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

Ooh, you so bad! And I can imagine the awesomeness of the laughing gas...I wanna! I feel jibbed that I only got boring local anaesthetic when I had my wisdom teeth out in the chair. YES, IN THE DAMN CHAIR.


@ Just Jill: Bwahahah! "The woman has no filter. I want to cut her" is my new fave saying. I've got an old childhood friend from the Fmr Yugoslavia who just DOES NOT SHUT UP on Face, same like your sister-in-law (but she has a gazillion photos of her, most a variation on the "pose-in-front-of-mirror-and-flash-away-AT-the-mirror" horridness), and many a time I've been tempted to email her and say, "Dude, what the fuck? REALLY?" I probably should just hide her, right?

April 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPretzel Thief

You know, I'm terrified of going to the dentist, because I'm basically afraid he'll tell me I need like 50 root canals. I am now NOT afraid to go to the dentist, so I thank you!

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPaula/adhocmom

Do you still have a job?

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Hahaha I love this post. I did something similar when I had oral surgery & had invited the dentist and the entire staff out for drinks later that night.
I try to stay away from social media when, um, impaired. Nothing good can come of it.
Did you hear back from your boss?

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChrissyD

Oh my that's great! Thank you for making me feel like I'm not a complete loser. Not saying you are but I'm glad someone shares the great talent of self-embarrasment.

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTina

I believe I wrote you Tuesday to ask for the nitros. I guess I should have warned you. Leave your communication device in the car. I have heard that in Japan, it is socially acceptable to give your boss a piece of your mind when you're drunk, and they can't hold it against you.

Root canal Beer? Thats awesome.

Hope you feel better soon. You must have some great insurance.

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSouthernMan

OMG hilarious.

When I got a cavity filled in December I was soooo happppy. I would give my right arm for a tank of nitrous in my living room. Because I swear it's the best thing EVAR.

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSadie


April 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

once again you are proving that you should do more than just blogging... :-)
looking forward for your next appointments this month...

April 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterfahrenheit

This is fucking awesome! Brilliant. Hilarious! You absolutely need to get pad to write girl!

April 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStarla

I am not the only one.


No more guilts.


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