Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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My Blog Has Preceded Me

Someone egged our house the first night we slept here. Welcome to the country, Utah assholes. We viewed it as a welcome basket of sorts from the local teens. At least, I hope it was teens. If the local adults are into egging... that's kind of scary. Or maybe it's pure awesome. Maybe egging adults are my kind of people. Maybe there is some sort of sign up list at the local church house? Anyway, I liked it. We liked it. It really does make me feel welcome. You know, already on the egging list etc... Some people have to wait years before drawing the attention of teens and here we are, getting baptized by yolk the first night here. I'm hoping we get toilet-papered next.

Speaking of feeling welcome, the people round these parts are unbelievable. We weren't here but a few minutes before our landlord showed up asking if he could help us unload the moving truck. Turns out, he has big muscles. So we just gave him all the heavy stuff and watched him carry it up the stairs while we drank beer and checked Facebook. Kidding! We pretended to help him with the heavy stuff, as is the polite thing for weak, muscle-less people to do when moving stuff with strong people.

Later, a woman came tap-tapping. I opened the door to reveal a dark-haired woman, cute as could be, wanting to welcome me to the country.

"My husband and I drove by last night!" She said. "But we didn't see any lights on. We're so excited to have new people!" She continued. She has six kids. Some were sleeping in her car at that very moment. "If you like to do free stuff with kids, I'm your gal." She offered.

"Who doesn't like to do free stuff with kids?" I replied.

We exchanged phone numbers and she explained which days of the week she worked and which days she was available. I responded that I was available most any day, I just needed a few hours in the morning to write and then I was good to go.

"Oh I know." She said. "I read everything you write. Remember how you shit your pants? That was so funny."

It's an odd thing, being reminded by a stranger about the time you shit your pants. It's happened before. Mostly when Serge was still with Marah and I attended shows. Fans of the band would come up to discuss this or that thing I'd written here and it was always an out of body experience. I mean, I know I write a lot of personal, um, well, a lot of personal shit, but it's kind of like I'm typing into a void. Or, for lack of a better analogy, shitting into a toilet and flushing. So it's rather jarring to be reminded of that time I
called the cops on my husband or asked if we still maintain separate bedrooms; we don't. But I think my new friend reminding me about the time I crapped my pants takes the cake.

"Why yes. Yes I do remember the time I shit my pants". I told her.

"I laughed and laughed." She said.

Well then. She's my kinda gal. Anyone that likes a good pants-shitting story is Good People in my book. And now that we have bonded over my lack of bowel control I'm sure we will be fast friends.

I have much more to write about. The fact that this here farmhouse, built in 1901, is so damn big I keep getting lost, and there's so much water in the air here in the east that I feel like I can reach out and grab air, how - for various reasons too long to explain just now - Uncle Dave The Gentleman Farmer has a rat, a skunk and three goats in various contraptions in his backyard right now, how you always wave at everyone you pass on the road here... but I've got to go unpack more boxes. Because that is my life now. Unpacking boxes and wondering why I didn't just throw all the junk away instead of lugging it 2,000 miles across the country so I can not use it here too.

Reader Comments (19)

If I ever met you, I would never bring up the crapping in your pants story. That is just so weird.But I would totally talk about the flying tampon.
I have a blog (that no one reads) and there are aspects of my life that I would still NEVER write about-even though I would love to. I can't bring myself to do it. So I think it's awesome that you write about EVERYTHING. My blog would be a lot funnier if I did!

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeres

I love you. In a non-creepy I know we would be best friends if we ever met kind of way. I am so glad you seem to like your new place. I'm probably stating the obvious but it must freak you out a little that your neighbor knows your posts so well...which means she probably wont miss one...which means you cant really write about your neighbors in a non-loving way...not that you would want to of course... :D Take pics of your new house if you dont mind an even further invasion of your privacy...

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Hadn't read the pants-shitting story before! Had me cracking up at my desk - I really wish you were moving in next door to me! Glad you're settling into the new digs. I realize how addicted I am to your blogging when you're relatively silent for a few days . . .

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLK

Fucking hilare... welcome to PA, ~splat~ (eggs, not anything inside your pants...) Cannot WAIT for more Country stories, and while you're at your keyboard, push some more of your old stories to the front. I hope you guys love it there---!

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Welcome back to the Eastside!
I loathe moving so I hope you guys are quickly settled and feel at home. Any farm markets around? I ask like there are no farm markets in Utah. But corn and peaches and blueberries are amazing right now!

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCristin

Glad you all made it!! So how it was to drive for a week with two wee ones and two dogs? (And a huge moving truck!) I can't believe the house already got egged. I wonder if they thought it was still empty? You know sometimes kids vandalize empty houses. Anyway hope you guys get settled in quickly! Love reading your blog!!

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSloan

So glad you're finally there!! YAY!!! Can't wait for the stories. Yes, the blog preceding you is funny...
Had that happen in NYC a while back. :D

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNoelle

Welcome to PA! You know you are here when people start talking pants shitting! No joke. My husband and I have lived in PA all our lives and joke weekly about how everyone talks about shit. Our parents talk shit. Our grandparents talk shit. Our friends talk shit. Here I am talkin' shit. I actually forwarded your shit story to a friend who recently shit her pants just to make her laugh and feel better about her whole "situation". HA HA!!! Anyway, hope you love PA. Actually, hope to see you around. We sometimes visit the Elk Creek Cafe for live music and good food. I also think we would just have to be friends if we ever met. Although I could envision myself being socially akward, but I'm sure you would understand.

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCory

wow. it's late but I am glad you are in your new home. 1901 was a good year i guess for building places with lots of interesting twists and turns. I lived in a house built in 1793. Seriously. It had 13 closets which was funny because the home I sold a few years back actually had NONE~! So welcome home again. I didn't know kids still egged houses anymore...wasn't that like back in the 30s and know when kids lit a bag of dog crap and left it on your porch? At least that's the sorta thing my dad did for mischief and that was in the 1930s and 40s. The town time forgot. So have fun moving in and getting adjusted to the sounds and smells of an old house. Chickens and goats, skunks etc...This is a new chapter which will be full of funny pants shitting stories!!

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered Commentergina

glad you made it. the farmhouse sounds great. i love places so big you could get lost in tem. and re: the pants shitting, i laughed and laughed because i have been there... while running...not fun... and OFCOURSE i have to tell my husband. its nice to know one is not alone. hope the road trip was more fun than horrid. am about to fly to canada with a 4yo and 5 month old. muy nervoso.

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrebecca

Welcome back to Pennsylvania!

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarole

You just made me feel so much better about my own pants-shitting incident. I found the whole experince so traumatic I had completely pushed it deep into my subconcious. Now I can face it without shame. Gotta love a neighbor who will lead with that.

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDebbie

Oh my god, laughing so hard I"m crying. Because I, too, had a similar experience while out running. Only shitting my running shorts was not an option....but it was early morning and I found...a church. With steps down to the basement, probably the very steps good church-going, God-fearing folk navigated in their Sunday best while holding their pies and casseroles. Then I ran home. And I didn't say a word about it to my husband; he learned about it on my blog. Because you're right: writing about it (because come on, there was NO WAY I was keeping that story to myself) on one's blog is like sending it "out there" and then you can forget about it. Right??

I know it's bad form to link to ones own blog, but it's defunct now so I'm not trying to increase traffic. I just think there are more of us with this experience than most would care to admit!

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkate

welcome to the neighborhood...glad everyone survived the trek! i've been in pa 8 years now and nobody's egged me...i kinda feel left out. but our house is pretty far from the someone might have tried...but it would be a really long throw :)

let us know when you're settled...i'm dying to meet those babies!! and find out why dave has a skunk and a rat... i sort of always wanted a skunk...but its been explained to me thats too hick for a ex-city girl like me..... :) we do have a neighbor who keeps rattlesnakes in his pickup

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

I have serious porch envy. Hope you love the country life!

We parallel posted! i just posted about my son's friend reading about Mr. curry and I doing it on the bathroom floor.
At least it made ME laugh :)

July 2, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermaggie may

Super excited for you and your fam! Can't wait to hear more! And I hear ya on lugging shit across the country to just not use it. What is wrong with us??

July 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

Oh man. I just snorted and choke-laughed. That new lady friend sounds like a hoot!

July 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFireMom

-discount Prada Slippers
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

August 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSandra F. Sutton

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