Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Green Is SO Last Week

This bathroom makeover is going to make me insane. Turns out, Serge is a bit of a perfectionist. You don't say! Anyway, he's up there right now, in a haze of fumes, spreading on his fifteenth - or is it the sixteenth? - coat of joint compound, whatever the fuck that is.

It's crucial, Serge'll tell you if you ask. But don't ask because the explanation will be rather long and tedious and involves the term "horse hair plaster". Me? I'd just slap on some paint and be done with that shit, pronto. But, you know, Serge spent the better part of four years doing this for a living so he wants to Do It Right, even though Doing It Right is something I don't usually do. He could also bore you to death with vast descriptions of Things Monica Doesn't Do Right including but not limited to putting lids back on things, driving, parenting, cooking and, well, this list is getting as long and boring as his ruminations on the horse hair plaster in the bathroom walls so I'm going to stop now.

We're hoping that after he sands and compounds joints, or whatever in hell he's got going on up there, we can paint. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow! And we've decided on a color. So which shade of green did we go with? Oh you. Green is SO last week.

This week it's all about slate. Serge had originally asked if I might like a blue bathroom and I said NO WAY. But that's when the suggestion was coming from Serge. Then a bunch of you suggested blue and it suddenly seemed like the way to go. Suddenly, the green samples we painted on the wall looked horrible and puke-like. Even the Granny Smith Apple that we thought we'd finally chosen. Then, sometime over the weekend, Serge declared slate was the way to go and I agreed. But, oh my God, do you know how many colors fall into the not-quite-blue but not-quite-gray spectrum? Stuff like Velvet Evening, Night Shade, Marine Magic... For a while I wondered what the Marines have to do with color and then I realized they meant marine as in sea life. Not the U.S. Marines. But damn I love reading the names of colors. I want that job! I want to be the person that looks at a new paint color and declares a name. There's this one grayish color called Myth. I like that. Myth.

We narrowed it down to six choices, which, admittedly doesn't seem very narrow, but when you see where we started it's spectacularly narrow. Oh, you thought when I mentioned we'd decided on a color we had chosen the actual color we'd be painting the bathroom? That's adorable but nay, my friend. Nay. If you haven't painted before you should know that deciding on the color is but the first step in a long, arduous process that could likely end in the demise of your marriage. Deciding on a color means you've decided on green. Or blue. Or yellow. After that comes the very intense process of deciding which shade of said color you'd like to stare at every day while peeing or brushing your teeth.

Anyway, like I said, we've finally whittled this shit down to six shades:

What's your favorite? Why? And don't you dare tell us you like green better than blue. I mean gray! Slate! I mean slate! Or shale. What is shale, anyway? Perhaps the coolest new name for Mormon boys in Utah? Daxton, Payton, Shale! Come inside now! It's time to read scriptures!

Seriously, just applaud the fact we've got her down to six choices and pick one of those or you will set us back days, months, years! And just, no. No. I need my bathroom back. I'd like to pee and not have to think about this horse hair plaster horseshit.

Reader Comments (62)

either dark storm cloud or shale gray. can't wait to see what you decide!!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterhilary

Shale!!! Glad you stepped away from the green. :)

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDawn

I vote for Dark Storm Cloud

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCN

In view of the activities that the bathroom is mainly utilised for, I'm inclined to go with one of the water based colours. Tropical lagoon perhaps for the..... let's not go there actually...

Or sea-spray due to the amount of..... again, probably best not to go there!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDamien

Ohhh! A man that actually sees the necessity of doing DIY jobs JUST PERFECT? Heaven. Wanna swap? My man is really cute too... also, he won't tell you what you don't do right - if you cut him some slack in return. I promise.

P.S. is Serge a perfectionist when is comes to handling clingwrap correctly too, by any chance? Like pulling it REALLY TIGHT so as to not let any air through?
P.P.S. Sea Spray.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

Tropical Lagoon!!!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKerri

You've posed another dilemma for us readers - that being, do we go for the shade we like best or the name of the shade we like best? I like the shade Sea Spray, but how swanky does Tropical Lagoon sound when you tell people what colour you painted your bathroom. Actually I like the colour too, so Tropical Lagoon gets my vote. Way better than puke green.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter(london) Amanda

Shale gray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I'm completely in love with the French Gray. Your porcelain will look like it's GLEAMING when it's set against such a dark wall, even if it's less than pristine.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Gentle Mom

Shale or Dark Storm Cloud

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Sea Spray -- that's almost exactly the color of our bathroom (I think our's is called Silver Tray or something like that) & every person that's seen that room including the painters loves the color. I think they like that it changes shades from hour to hour as the sun moves through the room. It's just a relaxing color. I'd paint the whole house that, but my husband loves "color."

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTracey

Sea Spray fo sho! I think that would look the bext with the dark wood trim. My second choice would be dark storm cloud but then I'd want to paint the trim white. And btw... my husband is like you and I am like Serge. You wouldn't want to know how many times I have nagged at him "thats why they say measure twice cut once!".

Can't wait to see pictures after you paint.

ps- I am SO glad you got away from those greens... those were all insane in the membrane.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMeg W.

My vote is for Dark Storm Cloud.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

Dark Storm Cloud!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterS

I'm so not a green person and am overjoyed with the move to a slate color, although this isn't a house I'd have to live with the green. I like either Dark Storm Cloud or Shale Grey.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSnohotina

Sea Spray or Shale Gray

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTiffany

Sea Spray or Shale!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

Sea spray, all the way. You'll be able to use lots of different shades of blue or gray towels. Are you planning on painting any of the other rooms? Thank your lucky stars that Serge is all over this stuff. My wonderful husband wouldn't have a clue!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarti

So NOW you're all being honest about how much you hated the green! You fuckers! You would've let me paint it green without telling me your true feelings? For SHAME. I thought we were friends!

July 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Sea Spray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDi

Definitely Sea Spray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKitty

Tropical Lagoon.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercrystal

Sea spray. Sea spray is SO RIGHT that the other colors, though lovely, are rendered evil. Because of not being sea spray.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKira

Sea spray or tropical lagoon. I like the other colors, but if you are leaving the dark wood trip, I would want something brighter and more blue than the shales.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbusy

Shale Gray or Dark Storm Cloud. But I'm not big on COLOR COLOR SO MUCH COLOR, so take it with a grain of salt.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJess

Sea Spray...

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

You have to be careful with blue in a on one wall, on four walls, and your swimming in becomes too much with the sun, and the overhead lights, and the walls reflecting off each other.

Dark Storm Cloud gets my vote!!!!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJill

sea spray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDanni

1, 3, and 6 (left to right). But I think 6 is my favorite.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterElle

Dark storm cloud!!! It looks just like my bathrooms. Not that we need to look at the same colour while enjoying some quiet time.....just sayin' that colour is awesome.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

I like the three on the left. That narrows it down by 50%!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmes

Sea Spray. Our bathroom is nearly the same colour and it works very well despite the lighting. Whilst I love the others I'd worry they would be too dark on all 4 walls. Good luck!

PS--My husband is exactly like Serge. And I always get suckered in as the runner and spend the day going back and forth whilst he stands and contemplates how difficult the job actually is. I refuse to participate any more until the thinking is over.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin

Shale gray is the best. Why? Because I like it best! Who has reasons for these things?

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Sea Spray fo sho

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLindsay

Sea spray! Love it!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Sea Spray or Dark Storm Cloud are my favorites

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeborah

I love Sea Spray.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAsh

Shale Gray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteradrienne

Sea Spray. No question about it.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

Dark Storm Cloud

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDayna

tropical lagoon! All oceany and stuff! Add a little brightness! with white gauzey curtains blowin in the country wind and white can add one of those other colors as the accent color, white and accent color listen to your mama!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermama

Ya know? Sea spray isn't so bad either...a toned down version of tropical lagoon....either one ...

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermama

Sea Spray!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

two: sea spray and dark storm cloud, I think I would use both of them...

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranajo


I just yelled it out loud so you'd hear. :)

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCassie


July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPam

I totally vote sea spray or shale gray. Definently not french grey. Looks WAY too dark (acording to my computer screen... which is all I have to go ona

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Sea Spray! Love it and now i have the itch to paint our bathroom, if only i had the energy!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer

With that dark woodwork, I would definitely skip the French Grey. Too dark. Tough to tell online, but Tropical Lagoon looks like it could end up looking like the most neon aqua you've ever seen...blues are weird that way. Give the dark wood, I'd say Sea Spray or Shale Gray -- less dark paint for higher contrast with the dark stain trim. As for the joint compound, I have to agree with Serge this time. Painted over cracks in the plaster are still cracks in the plaster. It will look SO much better for his insistence on doing this. And, yes, I do realize that I've pretty much revealed that I, too, used to do this professionally and can be just a wee, tad bit of a stickler on process! Choosing colors TOTALLY sucks. The brick on the front of our house and around the fireplace in our living room is REALLY tough to match. It took SIXTEEN different color tries on the porch (which butts up against the brick) to find the one that A) matches the brick (no small feat, that) B) is not too pink or peach (yuck, and double yuck) and C) I actually like. I'm in the midst of painting the other 3 sides of the house right the 100-degree heat. Heaven help me! Good luck on those colors. I love gray-blue shades!

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

Sea spray is first choice, followed by tropical lagoon. Others seem too dark for a bathroom - they would make it feel closed in.

July 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAilis

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