Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Drunk And Willing

So I have, like, a million things I need to tell you and never enough time. Snapshot. Right now I am sitting at my kitchen table, a glass of wine to my right, as a pot roast simmers on the stove and potatoes boil nearby. Can a gal get a what WHAT? That's right you doubting motherfuckers. I am cooking a pot roast like gramma used to do. Except gramma couldn't get drunk on wine whilst she did so because gramma was Mormon and stuff.

Damn, I wish I had a drunk grandma who wandered around the house with a high ball, just slurring crazy shit at us. Because that is SO how imma gonna roll when I'm old. Why not? I want grandkids coming over all the time while I just wander to and fro saying whatever I goddamn well please.

I need to tell you about wallpaper and The Sign From God that made me Mad As Hell but I've got a pot roast on, y'all! So I kind of want to hear from you. I do this every so often. Ask you questions and stuff. So here's what let's do. Let's leave a comment about where you are and what you're doing and you can ask me ANY QUESTION YOU WANT and I swear on my dead grandma (who made a killer pot roast) that I will answer you as honestly as I can so long as it doesn't involve revealing info about someone else who may or may not want their info revealed via the world wide webs, ya dig?

I'm gonna sit here and drink more wine and simmer my pot roast and try to answer your questions in real time. Let's see how well this goes over...

Ready, set, go.

Reader Comments (102)

Okay then. When's the last time you had sex?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

Oh my. I'm pleased to report this would be yesterday morning, swear to God! And you?

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Are you pregnant?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

Nope. Serge would shit. But negotiations are underway...

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Other than Marah, what's your favorite band?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTB

What's the pot roast recipe?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterwindylou

When are you gonna finish the "Moron to Married" series?? Dying to know the rest!

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterH

Boff, marry, kill? George Bush, Pee Wee Herman, Ronald Reagan

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterB-Rad

Oh! I am in MI, waiting for my husband and his kids to get back from football practice. I am supposed to be working on my never-ending projects that have kicked the car out of the garage.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterwindylou

Favorite band: Other than Marah, for the longest time I was into Wilco, now I'd say Sinatra on vinyl is my biggest listening pleasure.

@H - Was that typo on purpose? Ha! Um... I really want to finish but I can never find the time. Hopefully soon. But, who the hell knows

@ B-Rad (I love this game) Boff PeeWee, marry Reagan, kill Bush. What would yours be?

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Pot roast recipe (super easy!)

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

OMG, how embarrassing for me. What a tragically unfortunate typo--so sorry!

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterH

@H - I laughed and laughed!

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

1. What is your relationship with your dad like?
2. How do you feel about Serge touring with Marah again?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFroggy

@Froggy - Whoa. Good question. It's something I never write about but really want to. My relationship with my dad is severely strained. He has not met Henry despite only living six hours away (from our home in Utah). The last time I talked to my dad was in June.

I am excited for Serge to tour with Marah but it's not something he plans to do a lot in the future. It will be the longest time he's ever been away from Henry & Violet. I'm REALLY excited to see him live with the full-band for the first time in four years this Saturday in Millheim, PA. Everyone is invited! I'd love to meet folks!

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Wine of choice?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNicole R

Where do your brothers live and what's your relationship with them? Do you have nieces or nephews?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPuh

I would marry Pee Wee so I can laugh a lot. Kill George for obvious reasons and boff Ron because hopefully it wouldn't happen since he's ancient (it's a gamble).

One more. Marry, boff, kill. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterB-rad

Okay, sex yesterday morning WOO! But fess up... other than being pregnant/after birth... what was your biggest marital dry spell?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Ao you ever worry about your kids reading the stuff you write? (Not because you should, just because I do with my own blog...)

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAbby

@Nicole - I've really been into beer lately. Corona Light. Serge is the wine guy so I drink whatever he buys. He was into Rioja for the longest time, more recently he's been buying Cabernet Sauvignon, which I prefer. Any brand, really. Whatever's around $10 or $11.

@Puh - My brothers all live in Utah and I ADORE them all. They are sweet, sweet boys. Bad boys, yes, but sweet also. My oldest brother has three kids who I LOVE. My younger brother has a daughter who shares my middle name and my baby brother isn't married, no kids.

@B-Rad - I initially wrote that I'd marry Peewee but then figured - politics aside - Ron would be the more adoring husband as he treated Nancy quite well. Have you read the love letters he wrote her? Also? Omigod, how can you do this to me? Brad, Angie and Jen are my most FAVORITEST love triangle EVER! Even though I love me some Jen Aniston I'd have to kill her by process of elimination... Because I would definitely have to marry Brad and eff Angie.

@Jenny - Oh dear God. I knew this was coming. Although I can assure you we've gone MONTHS without doing it I need to check with Serge for clarification. Once sec.... Okay, direct quote. "Oh sheesh, I dunno... I'd say in the area of six months, maybe more."

@Abby - I'll be happy for my kids to read anything I write, especially the stuff about them. I'd also like them to read the stuff about religion and gay rights. The rest of the drivel I hope will only serve to humanize me to them when they're adults. Although I'm embarrassed by some of the writing here, especially the early stuff, I'm not ashamed by what I was writing about.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Did your vagina change colour after you gave birth to your kids? I heard it goes orange and or brown? How's that for a question ;) ?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

@Richelle - WHA? Seriously? Is that a thing? Should I be writing about that on Babble? I've never heard of that but I'll tell you what... After the births of both kids I was afraid to look Down There for weeks and weeks. When I finally did take a peek it was back to normal, coloring and all. I would advise all women not to check out their goods after they give birth. Nobody needs a lingering image of a stitched vagina when they go to get busy with their fella.

Here's one for you, Richelle... Are kids in your future?

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Did Serge get a job in PA too, or is your Babble income your only household income for now?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

Monica you are a brat! I guess I deserve that question. Today the answer is NO on the kid front but I'm not stupid enough to say never. Rob and I combined are like 26 years old so keeping each other alive is hard enough.
I am a sudo aunt to many children and my ladies also said that their vagina's didn't change colour however I keep hearing that it is totally a thing!!!! Glad to hear you aren't orange.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRichelle

@Jenny - Serge is currently writing a book at the request of an agent that contacted him through this website. I am SO EXCITED! He is supplementing our income through Marah gigs and this upcoming tour, but the specific focus is on getting this book done.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

@Monica THAT IS SO AWESOME!!! I was hoping that someone would pick up on his brilliant writing. :) As a fellow band/musician wife, I can appreciate the supplement income gigs provide! :)

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

I will actually be at the Elk Creek Cafe that night (Millheim). Want to meet a faithful reader?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterchristy

I would love to! Still trying to dial in a babysitter but I am 90% certain I will be there! Just come up and introduce yourself. You can't miss me. I'm the big doofus who can't help but dance to all my favorite songs.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

One more. Without you revealing too much info about others - your posts Barefoot in the Snow and My Emotions Wrapped In Vines Reaching For The Sun That Shines - what happened there? Why did he hit you? How did it end? I've always wondered, but if it's too much to answer, don't. Oh, and what did Serge do while you were living in Utah?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPuh

@Puh - My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 8. My dad moved out of state and my mom got a full-time job. Most of the parenting fell to my older brother. He was often home alone, making dinner for me and my two younger brothers. He was under a lot of pressure and lashed out. I think he often tried to be my mom's right-hand man to please her but also just vented by lashing out at me... and a lot of it was just the usual older brother asshole stuff. He has three kids now and is the best dad ever. And a kick ass brother too.

This is him:

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Fun! Were you an English major? And, what's the biggest misconception about your online personality?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSR

Ok. On to lighter fare. I've deducted that Spectrum is likely your favorite sirius-xm radio channel... But have you ever listened to ELizabeth Cook's "apron strings" show on Outlaw country? She's awesome and hysterical and I think you'd get a kick out of her.
Also, Is Linda T.O.O. your least favorite babble commenter? She's mine. I think she's probably the biggest bitch ever and I cannot believe how fired up I get over what an effing bitch she is. Guess who else drank wine and cooked red meat today? Wow. Sorry.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaty E.

When you resigned from the Church, did the Bishop come to your door to try to talk you out of mine did?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLesley

Hey Monica,

I've been reading you for a long time, but only commented once before. I really like the idea of this post. My question is a bit more obscure.. Do you ever plan to head back to NYC to try to find the homeless man you "interviewed" in one of your videos? Ever since that video, it has been made even more clear to me that there are beautiful people everywhere, in EVERY situation.

Also, I'm currently in Colorado, but heading back to my home state of Maryland during this winter.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLindsey R.

Also, what's your favorite restaurant/bar/venue in downtown SLC?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSR

Where does the income come from when you are a blogger? Clicks on links? Do you only get paid for the sponsorships when people click on links? Does babble pay you per article or by the amount of comments you get? You don't have to say dollar amounts. Just curious.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrooke

Per Puh's question, I went back and read those entries. Which lead me to another question: How does your family (particularly your brother and Mom) feel when reading those entries, or others like it? How do they react/respond to you?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

@ SR - Was majoring in Broadcast Journalism but dropped out because FOX offered me the job I was going to school for. School seemed pointless at that point. Biggest misconception about my online personality... Good question! Except I don't know! I don't really think there is one or if there is I'm not aware. I'm not really sure how people conceive me. Maybe y'all are better at answering that question...

Favorite restaurant/bar venue in SLC is Red Rock Brewing Company or Squatters.

@Katy E - You're killing me! Linda is up there but I think Gretchen Powers takes the cake. We listen to Outlaw Country a fair amount though I've never heard "Apron Strings". I'll definitely check it out.

@Lesley - Yes. Two men in suits knocked at my door and introduced themselves as the bishop and first counselor and asked me if I had written a resignation letter from the church. I said "sure did". They said are you sure you want to do this and I said "absolutely". I should've said "abso-fucking-lutely". I wrote about it here:

@Lindsey - It makes me so happy that you remember Charlie. I don't know if he's still there. I would love to go back and look for him and it would top my list of Things To Do once I go there. I loved him so much. He gave me a photo of himself one time out of his wallet. I have it hanging on my wall.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

@Brooke - Babble pays me a set salary but I make bonuses from website traffic which basically means the more y'all click my Babble links the more I make. I used to have Blogher ads here on The Girl Who but they pay next to nothing unless you have millions of readers. Blogher takes more than half the money you make. I may use them again, may not. I like not having ads on the blog. So, technically, I make zero dollars of The Girl Who with Babble being my sole income - unless I do a sponsored post here on The Girl Who and then that just depends on the specifics of each contract with a company.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

@Jenny - My mom is totally cool about everything I write here and has rarely expressed her discomfort. I've written some pretty personal posts about her experience with the Mormon church and she has been nothing but fantastic. The only brother I know that has read the blog is my older brother and he just laughed at the few things he did read. Other than that, I don't think my brothers read this. If my dad reads he's never said so. In fact, he's never mentioned my blog to me ever.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Do you wear a retainer or is that a lisp? That isn't meant to sound mean in any way. Speech impediments rock as long as you own them!

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaty E.

@Katy E. Ha! Lisp. Serge has one too. Are lisps inherited? Because that doesn't bode well for the kids.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Since we're practically neighbors (Jersey in the house!!! What what!) will Marah be playing any shows in NYC/NJ? I need new music!

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteryotko

@yotko - I believe two acoustic gigs (with Serge) are in the works for New York City and New Jersey (right outside NYC) in mid-November. I don't think anything is confirmed though. If it happens, you will never regret going. If I can hook up a babysitter, I'll be there.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

Ok, here's another one... I, too, have two short haired dogs(i.e. "Dog hair hell"), a hairy husband, a toddler and an infant and we are currently renting but are moving in a few months. How in the hell did you keep your place clean for two whole months in order for your landlord to show your place before you moved out? Also, did your toddler rip the carpet up like a damn billy goat (because mine does. Seriously, pet deposit? My ass. Toddler deposit is more like it. ) The last time we just moved out and then put our house on the market once we got things in order. This time someone else's name is on the mortgage, yo.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKaty E.

@Katy E - Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Man, I hated that whole allowing the landlord to show the house scene. What a nightmare. I feel for you. When you know the landlord is coming, wipe the counters down with whatever cleaner you have to leave the clean scent of bleach in the air, light a candle, then vacuum. Smells clean, candle adds a nice scent/ambiance and fresh vacuum marks in the carpet are a bonus. That only takes five-ish minutes.

Also, don't throw shit in the closet to hide messes. Potential renters always check out closets.

September 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterMonica

How old is Serge?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterserge

Alright, Chicago reader here. I'm curious about the preschool decision. Was it the one reader who said you don't HAVE to send your kid to preschool that changed your mind? Or was it the lot of us sharing our war stories that changed your mind? I felt a bit guilty, after re-reading my comment about going through MULTIPLE phases of separation anxiety, because I didn't mention the other phases, the 'I STILL WANT TO PLAY!!!' meltdowns at pick-up time, etc.

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErica S

How fun is this?! I always wonder what the ratio is on readers - crazies vs. cool peeps. How often do you have to deal with mean/gutsy emails? Get any self righteous ones from Mormons calling you to repentance?

September 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllen
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