Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Screw You, Pinterest

I keep trying to give a shit about Pinterest because everyone continues to rant and rave about how much time they waste on it but I can't seem to muster up the energy. Imagine that! I'm trying to waste time and disappointed in myself for not being able to do it. Don't get me wrong, I have an account and have spent a few hours perusing (and even pinning!) stuff but, in the end, I'm just a big Pinterest fraud.

Sometimes I find myself searching for cool stuff I don't even care about so my boards look fun and interesting, I guess so people will think I am fun and interesting? In reality I'm sitting in my underwear, sporting hairy legs and all I really want is, like, fifteen uninterrupted hours of sleep and TV and melted cheese dripped onto various food items. After signing off Pinterest I always feel like I just visited my friend's fancy house chock full of her stylish (probably DIY) awesomeness, awesomeness that I could never match even after a million years of Pinteresting the most amazing boards ever.

What I'm saying is, I'm probably doing it wrong (I'm usually doing it wrong) but all Pinterest is to me is a big, glossy advertisement of everything I probably won't ever own or do in my lifetime. Hey! Here are a bunch of awesome chandeliers totally out of your league! Check out this bedroom makeover that you could never ever accomplish because you don't have the time, money or energy BUT HEY! Pin this shit up so you can remind yourself of all the stuff you're never going to have or do. You should spend a half hour putting together a fantasy outfit that, in all likelihood, you will never purchase for an actual wearing but fuck it! Look at this cool outfit you pinned! And it only took two hours! You could've driven to the store and bought the shit in less time but fuck it! Look how great your board looks!

When I found myself actually contemplating what my Pinterest boards say about me as a person (do these books indicate I am a serious-minded person? are these ensembles stylish or stupid?) I knew it was time to get the hell out of Pinterest town.

You know how when you were a teen and you taped up a bunch of Tiger Beat photos of Corey Haim (before he died) and Kirk Cameron (before he was all homophobic and shit) on your bedroom wall? Collages of all the stone cold hotties from the eighties? Yeah, well Pinterest is like that for adults: Look at my collage of cool bedroom headboards! Sexy! Incidentally, I think I have a headboard collection all up in my Pinterest mix, so I'm not hating, or if I am the hate is also turned inward. Also, it's probably good River Phoenix died before he could disappoint us by pulling a Corey Haim or Kirk Cameron. Death by drugs or lunacy by religion: seems like the only child star options these days. My God, but I loved River Phoenix. Still do, I reckon.

I'm in a shitty mood today, if you can't tell. (Serge the funnyman feels so validated right now). I spent three hours cleaning my house because my mom is coming to visit, which, if she never came to visit the toilets would probably never get clean because I have to pretend like I'm an excellent housekeeper for the duration of her visit, I don't know why. But anyway, three hours of cleaning and all I felt like I did was move stuff from one room to another. Toys from all over back to the playroom. Laundry from upstairs to downstairs to wash and then right back upstairs again. Random binkies and sippy cups back to the kitchen. It's just one big moving stuff fest.

And then I read Holly Burns' blog, Nothing But Bonfires, and I just tossed up my hands in defeat. I sure do love me some Holly Burns, but man, I wish I could hate her. She does everything so perfectly that I really, really want to hate her but I can't. She's just too damn loveable. Which makes me want to hate her even more because that's the kind of shallow asshole I am.

So anyway, today I clicked over to see what she's been up to and I'll be damned if she hasn't just renovated her bathroom. She's over there doing Pinteresty stuff I would never even dream of and pulling it all together in a way that I couldn't possibly manage. Like, it just kind of comes together for her and I think to myself, I could do that! And then bitch slap myself into reality because no, no I couldn't do that. I just don't have it in me, you know? Maybe that's why I can't get all up in Pinterest. I am missing some sort of sassy do-it-yourself inner style that seems inherent in so many of my women peers. Oh, I've tried over the years, believe me, I've tried. I can't pinpoint what it is that keeps me from unleashing my fabulousness other than maybe there is no fabulousness to unleash?

I am devoid of fabulousness.

Also I would rather be sleeping. So I guess I am devoid of fabulousness and lazy? I've got no less than three pieces of furniture waiting for me to sand and repaint. I want to put them in my room so I can show off my DIY awesomeness to all who come to visit (nobody ever comes to visit) but I mostly just want to take a shitload of before and after pics and then Pinterest the fuck out of all of it to show you that I can do it too, goddammit. But I just cannot get it done. Even if I did it would never come out like a Holly Burns makeover. Fucking Holly. All cute and talented and shit. With an adorable British accent even. You'll probably want to hate her too and you're not even as shallow as me.

I'm headed to New York City late tonight to spend a day in Manhattan and then drive my mom and brother back here for a short visit so I probably won't be around until Friday. In the meantime, could you maybe pin this post to your Pinterest page? On your board featuring cool shit? That'd be great. Thanks. Oh! And be sure and follow me on Pinterest! You know, so you can see all the latest and greatest as pinned by yours truly!

Reader Comments (26)

I just unfollowed all of Courtney Love's Pinterest boards today because I couldn't deal anymore. Courtney full-on loves Pinterest and pins like the mad woman she is. It was exhausting keeping up with all her pins. And she can probably afford all that stuff. Even more than Pinterest, I fail at Twitter.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterWendy P.

wow, i never really thought of pinterest as something other people would think of me about (does that make sense?) i just like to consider it a place for me to "favourite" stuff and not clog up my computer...without the big P i never would have made those amazing roasted pears with goats cheese rosemary and pine nuts or the cheese sticks turned into spooky fingers last Halloween...! just sayin'

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commenternancy

@Nancy - that's because you're a lovely, well-rounded person and I'm a weird, probably self-obsessed asshole who overthinks everything!

@Wendy - Courtney Love is on Pinterest? That's disappointing, actually. Except I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in Courtney for being a Pinterest hound or if it makes me feel like I really should hop on board the Pinterest train if a mess like Courtney Love can manage it all right.

It's all too much, man. I also unfollowed Courtney on Twitter for the reasons you mention. The rants were amazing, then amusing, then tiresome and then I almost wanted to take up smoking over the anxiety of it all.

October 3, 2012 | Registered CommenterMonica

Preach Sister. You da best.

PS: YOU are my Holly. Hairy guitar playing hub? two darling little monsters? Sassy writer extraordinaire? And now you're vegetarian?!? I wish I could hate you but you are just too damn hilarious. Keep it up kid.

PPS: River Phoenix. YES.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergin

I don't have a Pinterest account, but I do use it like Google with the useless/non-working stuff taken out.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDeanna

I feel the same about Pinterest - it kind of stresses me out. I see that others have pinned these great bedrooms or bathrooms and I can only think "Jeez, that would cost a TON!"
Most of my pins are of food and foreign cities, maybe because that's what I really want to do - travel and eat.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Yeah the Mrs has always done the cleaning thing when expecting family.
The one thing I don't get is why the house has to be perfect before you leave on a trip?
If you never come back who cares, but I guess there would be Murmurings amongst the neighbors.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterUtah L

@Utah L - Not a neighbor thing... Leaving dirty dishes in the sink would ruin my entire vacation. I would constantly envision myself walking in the door, exhausted after vacationing (because let's face it, you need a vacation after a vacation) and being confronted with dirty dishes. I also could never have a maid because I'd constantly be cleaning the house in preparation for her arrival.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

You've just been followed and Pinned. Inspired the start of a new board on Pinterest of my favorite blogs too! It will give me something to do during the debate tonight! I'm a hopelessly addicted to Pinterest, but other than a few recipes I try every once in a while, mine is just full of a bunch of stuff I wish I could do. It's fun to me though, kind of like sharing my thoughts and daydreams with everybody. Funny Pinterest story... My mom started a Pinterest account a few months ago and of course followed my sisters and me, which of course prompted the phone call from my sister "Oh no! Mom's on Pinterest!" We're still trying to figure out which one of posted something to make her delete her account and never mention it again after less than a week. Just have fun with it!!

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

first visit to Pintrest. Very pintresting. Nice looking at magazine pics without having to read anything. I think they way you are feeling is just fine. I am sure Holly has her down times. Maybe she buys cupcakes for her kids class projects instead of baking them. I am sure that there are times when she needs a break....HAS to be. My sister once had this friend Jamie, Always cooking or baking or making or cleaning, but anyway Laura had 2 kids under 3 one with Downs Syndrome and boy was she feeling OVERWHELMED and dejected, especially when she'd walk into their room and see shit smeared all over everything including the walls. She was so anxious and depressed and wound up Anyway, in comparing beautiul self to Jamie, Laura felt as if she could not keep up. She was full of anxiery and could not sleep. Eventually she wound up in the hospital and diagnosed with depression and anxiery. She was able to get some counsel.and started on Zoloft and learned to cut herself a MAJOR BREAK. Be who you are and let the chips fall where they may. Enjoy your life! 20 years later, Laura is happy and well adjusted. Of course the kids are all young men now. But she makes time for herself, works hard but takes that nap, and is the best friend to others because she is REAL, like you, honest and sincere about the way you feel and think. You don't HAVE to overwork yourself or IMPRESS ANYONE ANYMORE. Do yourself a favor and cut yourself some major SLACKS...kidding. Slack. Slack off. I think your mom will just be happy to see you all. Shove the laundry in a closet like I do. I DO! ( when I wound up in the hospital I had my bf BUY me new underwear, BIG BLOWN OUT COTTON DRAWERS....i did not want anyone in my laundry, Told him to KEEP his paws off and leave the spray and wash at HOME.. OK have fun.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergina

Who is Pinterest?

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterserge

@Serge - My boyfriend in India.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

@Serge - My boyfriend in India

October 3, 2012 | Registered CommenterMonica

Hahaha! Touche!

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterserge

I'm really glad you wrote this. I joined Pinterest and I really don't get it. I feel like I don't have enough time to search the web that much. And if I do have time I would also rather sleep or eat.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHilary

I feel the same exact way. Exactly. I look at all the pins on my phone when I'm bored and nursing (like Facebook). And it always make me feel less than. I have 2 pairs of jeans that fit. 2 t shirts that don't have holes. And my house is entirely un-decorated. My kids had cereal and yogurt for dinner last night. And I convinced 1 to have a banana. That seemed successful.

I still think I'm awesome in my own way. And you in yours for sure. Someone told me once that the nice thing about me was that they always felt completely comfortable being themselves around me. Thinking you've got the same easy way about you. It's refreshing really. And in 30 years will you really care that you didn't refinish that end table??? I think not.

October 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJill

Yeah, I'm right there with you. I hate Pinterest. I also hate their TOS (terms of service)--really Draconian. I've got plenty of time to waste on Facebook, I don't need help wasting time on shit I'll never have, make, or do. And you can't make me. Nyah.


October 3, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersparkly jules

I too am devoid of fabulousness. I have accepted that about myself though. I have not even looked at Pinterest because really, why? So somebody can crockpot a 5 course meal- not me. I work full time and by the time anything has been crockpotted for 10 hours (work time plus driving time plus picking up children time), it turns to moosh.

Any I don't need to see your perfect house with handmade everything. I am perfectly okay with my less than perfect house with store bought stuff. That's just not my priority. If it is yours, rock on with your awesome self. I will rock on with my devoid of fabulous house and not worry about subjecting myself to Pinterest.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim Q

Oh my God - I pin your pain. Makes me feel like I'm flipping through a glossy magazine full of beautifully eclectic, perfectly haphazard homewears - when I know I'll just never work zebra stripe in a way that, well, doesn't look like a 70s safari suit designer just vomited all over my lounge room. But I'll pour over a trashy magazine and invest myself in the false reporting about celebrity marriages and plastic surgery botches like it's the most insightful shit I have ever read.  

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarmen

I had no interest in pintrest until i decided to redo my bathroom. like,we are breaking walls and shit. It is a nice way to organize ideas. but other than that..I too am as unfabulous as the rest of you.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

Totally with you. I just can't get down with the pintrest. It's too much work. that's why i just watch the renovation shows on the tv.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercharity

"Also I would rather be sleeping"....Ha! Funny Shit!
You said exactly what I have been thinking about Pinterest.
Writing like this keeps me coming back for more of TGW

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered Commentershuga

Hilarious. Just. Hilarious. I get it. But I feel like I accomplish so much when I pin. I maybe sort of renovated a bathroom - just by pinning. I cooked dinner, designed a new outfit, decorated a room and was so witty I fell out of my chair. All in 30 minutes. If only.

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I am starting my OWN 'interest' site called "Pinchit" Pop it, Push it. cork it, Pinch it!

It's a tiled bathroom wall with magazine holders wherein you pin up all of your can access it from the toilet and sit there for hour?. Pinch it!

October 4, 2012 | Unregistered Commentergina

This is SOOO funny. Totally captures every single reason that I am NOT ON PINTEREST!

October 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKristin

yea, holly appears to be a loveable sort and all, but she's about the third blog i've seen recently that has featured photo galleries, how to make them look perfect, etc, and it's just getting a bit old. the reason i read your blog is that real and it's not packaged and perfect, your prose or your visuals. i like that. so keep up the good work and forget pinterest and aspiring to something you're not.

October 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOlivia

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