Monica Bielanko
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"A Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama"

You never really expect to find yourself ass up, naked on your bathroom floor while your mother-in-law rummages around in your dresser drawers searching for a pair of underwear and you don't have the heart to tell her you don't really wear the stuff. But there you are. You don't think it'll happen to you and then boom. There she is, mere inches from your vibrator, shoveling around looking for something that can lend your bare ass a little dignity on the ride to the hospital.

The flu descended on our house like God himself dictated we be punished for whatever it is we did that pissed him off. Whatever it was, it musta been bad. I think I even remember an exhausted Serge asking the ceiling why God hates us so much. Our house nearly burned down in January, the kids spent most of February sick with colds - and we all know sick kids should take the place of waterboarding as an effective torture device for suspected terrorists - then March roars in like a lion but it wasn't the cold weather biting us in the ass it was the flu. Epic flu. And it came on like an ACDC song with the volume cranked all the way up.

I was the first to go down. Serge took the kids to the park so I could get some work done. And by that I mean catch up on all the TV shows I'd recorded that week. Wouldn't it figure the one hour I have to myself I am struck with flu symptoms so powerful I actually longed for my morning sickness days?

I was puking so hard and so frequently and for so long that I damn near passed out into the toilet. This continued for hours. Serge came home and shouted up the stairs that he didn't feel so well. He didn't feel well? Please. At this point I was certain that hospitalization was my only hope. Seriously. And I don't take going to the doctor lightly. I need spurts of blood, broken bones poking through my skin or a baby about to exit my vagina to even consider a trip to the hospital.

"I think..." I said in between retches "you need to take me to the hospital". The symptoms were so severe I didn't think I could make it another second. And listen, before you get all skeptical on me just know this was as bad as labor. I kid you not. The cramping would begin in my stomach, my guts twisting into knots before the pain would roll down my back and into my ass. Yes there was a bunch of ass action I'm not going to share with you because, not being a senior citizen, I'm well aware that nobody wants to hear about anybody's diarrhea. But yeah, at one point I was so exhausted all I could do was flop over into the tub and let what was happening to my body happen there.

When Serge started puking I knew we were screwed. He was about five hours behind me and I knew what was coming for him. That's when I screamed at him to call his mother, we needed help. I've never been in a scenario where I physically couldn't care for my kids if I wanted to and, not knowing how bad Serge's symptoms would be, I knew we needed back up.

So she arrived and, as mentioned, began rifling around my drawers in search of a pair of drawers to cover my bare ass for the ride to the hospital. She got me dressed and down the stairs when - you aren't going to believe this - she started dry heaving. Yup. She was sick too.

There we were, the three of us, like some bizarro world version of that barf-o-rama scene in Stand By Me. She's puking into a plastic sack while Serge is worshipping the porcelain god in the downstairs bathroom and I'm writhing around in pain on the couch wondering who would take me to the hospital now.

Right around the time my father-in-law arrived to ferry me to the hospital my symptoms subsided a tiny bit. Serge hadn't been seen for hours, barricading himself in our downstairs bathroom where only the occasional moans and retching could be heard, and mother-in-law was done for. If one can be said to politely puke she has it down. She kept stepping outside onto the porch to violently heave into a plastic bag until I was well enough to tell her to "Go home, for the love of God, get yourself to bed!"

So that was March. April hasn't been much better what with a whole bunch of marital drama and such. I mean, DAMN. What does a bitch gotta do to get a few months of nothing? Nothing is good. I'll take nothing. Long, boring stretches of nothing would be a stint on a tropical island from where I'm standing.

On the bright side, so bright my retinas are burning with joy, our house is coming along nicely. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of horrors. My landlord friend says the house will be finished in mid-June which means we can hopefully be moving back in at the exact same time we first moved in last year. Go figure. If you would've told me that would be happening as I stood staring at this horror I never would've believed you but I'll be damned if they aren't doing a bang up job on the place. I'll try and get some pictures up tomorrow, it'll blow your mind.

Reader Comments (5)

I am so happy for you guys obv. not for the sickness or marital woes but for your home. You guys do deserve it and maybe June will be your nothing time...Here's hoping.

I know this is your personal blog...and you get personal but that doesnt mean you have to share EVERY little detail but I have been wondering what is up with you and Serge. As many commenters have said I have always loved your guy's story. SOOO what is it that you guys are having a hard time with? Do you feel like there is a wall? A wall that you both have to work to breakdown but havent? Do you feel like your "angry" tank is almost full all the time and almost nothing will have you overflowing. Did something happen? Has "this stage" happened to you guys before you had kids?

I am soo sorry to try and get so personal and obv. you dont have to answer any of my questions but my fiancee and I have been together 8 years and are now starting to contemplate having kids. He and I are so scared kids will ruin our relationship...

I know kids change things but we are sooo happy right now in general and we know that once you have kids you cant think the same way you did before... you really dont want to but I feel like you should...I feel like people should realize that parenting isnt everything and while you will always be a parent a majority of your life you wont even be "raising" kids and you will have to fall back on your relationship or what is left of it after kids.

Geez sorry about the essay on MY problems....

April 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I wish I could reach into this computer and give you a hug. I've posted before that I've been married for going on 26 years and we have an incredible marriage but.... when my oldest was born 22 years ago, for a year, a solid year, looking at my husband made me want to throw up. I couldn't stand the guy! Seriously. Having kids is the HARDEST and the most REWARDING experience. When I see couples expecting their first child, I almost feel sorry for them. Then our youngest was born 7 years later and that time I hated myself. I was a wreck. But, one thing I know is you have to put your marriage 1st. Make time for each other. leave your children and get out of town together, reconnect and rediscover what you love and most of all TALK! Every Saturday was date night for us and our kids knew it and we rarely missed one. You know, when my youngest leaves for college in four years, I know that we will be fine because we've kept our love strong. I wish I could be your marriage mentor!

April 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBeth

My family got the flu like that a few years ago. Me, my son, my daughter and her husband and son - we all got it at the same time. The house looked like a scene out of some horror movie after everyone has been slaughtered, except for the occasional victim coming to life and running for the bathroom or puking in a trash can. Ahh, memories.

You guys have been through so much lately, but that's great news about your house! I hope more good things come your way soon.

April 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth B

Oh god I remember our family being stuck with the Rotavirus. My daughter was only about 3yrs old and was nearly hospitalised. It broke my heart seeing her sick. My son was fine as he was vaccinated so he never got it but my husband and I were soooo sick. I remember puking into a bucket in the lounge-room (couldn't make the toilet) and my just crawling son clinging to my back while I was vomiting. What a low point in my life! Your description is awesome lol. Great news about your house, looking forward to the photos.

April 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda

Great news.... Thank you for posting...

April 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpetriciathomas

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