Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Hells Bells

Oh for Godsakes.

HELLS BELLS! As Grampa used to say when he'd catch us, yet again, with our dirty hooves on his beloved "davenport". He had, I might add, no knowledge of the fact that at the same time he was shouting the phrase at us it was also the title of a hit song sweeping the nation, written by a bunch of "hooligan devil worshipers" you and I know better as AC/DC.

Hells bells, indeed, Grampa.

But anyway, I'm cursing because I just sat here for an hour, clickety-clacking away on this here machine, writing a most genius post for your personal entertainment and I clicked save and the computer, the wily bastard, did the exact opposite of save.

Hells bells all around.

So here we are. You and me. You clicking over here for reasons only you know and me not feeling like doing much of anything because I'm all writ out. And I haven't even written for Babble yet today.

Ever have one of those days? When even the most minimal effort feels gargantuan? When jamming your hairy legs into some dirty pants seems pretty much impossible? When bed and TV are calling your name so fucking loudly you can't even hear your kids screaming in the next room? I'm having one of those days and I even managed to squeeze my big, steroid-enhanced ass into a pair of stretchy Walmart pants that don't really even fit because of my big, steroid-enhanced muffin tops which are spilling forth in a triumphant wave of white flesh. I'm fondling them now. Handfuls of mottled fatty skins. I don't want to go off on a bloated body rant or anything so I'll just say fucking Prednisone and leave it at that.

Oh! Here's something. I haven't had red meat or any kind of pig product for nearly a month. It just kind of happened. I keep going down and hanging out with the cow that I thought was a girl because I didn't notice the giant, swinging penis (I'm good at avoiding penis, just ask Serge... hey-OH!) and I swear to God, he's like a puppy dog. He walks along the fence with me and if he lags behind he infuses is already dapper steps with a little giddyup so as to keep up with me. I think he loves me. He comes over right away the minute he sees me. He stands around playing stare-eyes and shuffling his hooves in the dirt like a shy third-grade boy crushing on a classmate. He eats carrots out of my hand and I'll be damned if I could fathom eating red meat anymore. And I'm the beef burrito-ingest whore you ever did meet. But, I mean, Jesus. I can't even think about it now.

And I've long had an affinity for pigs who are, like, totally brilliant. Basically dogs with snouts. But, you know, BACON. But then I was like, how often do I really eat bacon? Not a whole lot. Then I realized that, holy shit, PEPPERONI! SAUSAGE! And mama sure do love her pizza. In my life the four food groups have been pizza, nachos, burritos and Diet Coke. Still, I decided that stupid pizza with pepperoni isn't a good enough reason to eat pigs. Next time we ordered a pizza I got vegetarian and, turns out, I still dig the pizza because cheese, DUH. If we all just got together, chipped in a couple bucks and invited the Palestinians and Israelites to a cheese pizza party I'm sure we could patch shit up in no time. Melted cheese solves everything.

So this isn't some kind of big social stance or anything. I like animals but also believe in the food chain or whatever. I don't really like hunting but if you hunt and eat the meat I'm not going to go all PETA on your ass. Basically, you want to eat meat have at it. Serge has a big dick-sized package of salami in the fridge right now and that's fine with me.

The dick-sized analogy comes immediately to mind because Serge is unable to open a package of salami without first holding it in front of his crotch and pretending it's an actual dick. He'll stand there enthusiastically waving it in front of his zipper until I am forced to acknowledge. Yes, I get it. The salami looks like a dick. Hilarious. Never gets old for him. Laughs every time like he is the first man in the history of salami (or hot dogs) to make the dick joke, like he hasn't made the same joke thousands of times since we first met, since he was born. When I don't laugh he actually looks hurt. "You're no fun." He says.

Dudes are stupid.

But yeah, it's just that I've been thinking about cow and pig meat for a while now and no longer felt good about eating them. It didn't seem necessary.

But listen, I'm still eating chicken like it's the last animal on the planet, though. Hypocritical? Maybe. I don't know. Don't care. Right now I feel good about not eating cows and pigs. It's not even really a health thing but I think not eating red meat is probably pretty healthy, right? Who the hell knows. A new study comes out every damn week. Eat red meat! Don't eat red meat! Coffee is good! Coffee is bad! Shove coffee in your ass! Coffee enemas will make you live until you're 800! Who the fuck knows what's going on anymore.

Who knows where this is all going? I'm so fucking fickle I'll probably be injecting beef into my arteries by Christmas. I don't know. So far, I don't miss it. What about you? Where do you fall on the whole meat-eating spectrum?

Reader Comments (29)

Funny story: If I eat chicken, it exacerbates my chronic fatigue syndrome. And I LOVE chicken, especially grilled or fried chicken. So I have to be very careful when I eat it and then only sparingly. I have low iron and beef is the best way for me get the iron I need. I am aware of vegetables that are high in iron, but I have the best response to beef.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjeneria

So glad to know that my husband isn't the only one who makes dick jokes with food (or any penis-shaped household objects) and I'm not the only wife who thinks it's not freaking funny.

I've also given up pork and chicken in the last year and am pretty much off red meat also. I get grossed out thinking that I'm cutting into flesh and then chewing on flesh. Yuck.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKat

What you need to do give up is MILK (for you and your kiddies). Bovine Slime. We're the only species that drinks another's animals milk. Think about it, it's made to make a baby calf into a HUGE Heifer. I'm not a good example of it now, but when I was 24 and was living the life of a d-girl in Los Angeles, I read MaryLou Henner's book and she recommended you give up 10 things... 1) MEAT -- um no, I'm from the Midwest, what else would I have for dinner? 2) SUGAR - um no, I need chocolate or something sweet at least once a day 3) COFFEE - don't drink it (unless I didn't sleep a wink) 4) DAIRY - um, OK I tried it. Dropped a size and the roundness of my face in about 2 weeks... then I took it to the extreme, no cheese, no dairy salad dressing etc. It was very easy in LA cause you can get cheese-less pizzas, dairy-free ice cream at every corner shop... Fast forward to living back in the Midwest... still haven't had a DROP of milk since the 90's... but do eat other dairy things. I heart cheese and DQ.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieLee

I've run the gamut from eating a lot of meat to being vegan. I liked being vegan, frankly, but my husband made such a big fat hairy deal about it that I gave up. I like animals. Don't really like eating them. So I'd say I'm probably 50-65% vegetarian. I do still eat cheese, because it's good. I don't drink cow milk, though. I have a thing for soy and rice and almond milks. Seriously, chocolate almond milk and a cookie? Bliss!!

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterFaith

My husband is vegetarian - he grew up in India, in a long line of vegetarians. So for him, being vegetarian is the default option (although he has started eating fish lately, mostly because he works at a red-meat sort of company and has to eat something when he goes out for a business lunch or dinner) I eat a lot of vegetarian food - I grew up in a hippie town, where vegetarian food is both accessible and yummy. But I don't think I could ever give up meat entirely - every time I try and cut meat out, I start craving burgers like crazy.

You just described my day - nothing seems to be going right. :)

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpostmormongirl

It's probably a good idea, I just think "moderation" is the key for me as I don't think I could ever go without a carne asada now and again, or sloppin down a big sick whopper. Mostly though, you just make me LAUGH!!! God you are a funny mo-fo!!

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermama

ugh, the sausage joke. I can't stand it. I do find it hilarious that Serge's response to your lack of response is identical to my husband's. I think I must be the least-fun person in the history of people, according to him.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterjoie

I basically followed the same route as you. I used to have a hamburger at our favorite dive once a year since I only was in that neck of the woods once a year. I've always been an animal lover & have been involved for years in lobbying Congress to eliminate horse slaughter. One thing led to another and I began to see those beautiful cow's eyes in my mind every time I looked at a piece of meat. I guess thinking of killing horses had a natural progression to thinking of killing cows. At any rate, I eliminated meat from my diet 9 years ago but ate chicken/turkey & fish until a year ago. Now it's just fish & that's because our doctor advised us to eat it at least twice a week for the protein value. I don't miss the meat one bit, but have to admit that it takes more effort to cook delicious, creative vegetarian meals than just to throw a piece of chicken in the oven.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterCarole

Whatever you do, DON'T read the book "Skinny Bitch". It talks about the feelings of the scared cow as he's being killed and filled my head with horror. Totally makes you want to throw out everything in your fridge.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieLee

@BonnieLee - You've done more to get me off dairy than anything else I've ever read, and I've read a lot of nutrition crap. "It's made to make a baby calf into a HUGE heifer." Yup. I'm done with milk.

I dabbled in vegetarianism, but it didn't stick. I like chicken, steak and beef fajitas too much. I'm not a fan of pork, though, but it's got nothing to do with pigs. I just don't like the taste much.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarb

This is hysterical. So funny I am telling friends to come read it. "Coffee is good, coffee is bad, shove coffee in your ass". Cannot stop laughing. Thanks.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGeri

My 5 Miller lites and I approve this post. Blogs should have 'like' buttons like Facebook. Then I wouldn't have to type all this shit out on my stupid phone. Technology will be (is?) the downfall of society.
Anyway- I will eat anything that is not nailed down. Food? It's my favorite. The unhealthier the better.
That's probably why I gained eleventy million pounds after our wedding.
Did I mention I <3 Miller Lite?

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I actually ONLY eat meat that is dick-shaped.

September 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Hahahaha! I am SO glad my husband isn't the only one who insists on holding dick shaped meat in front of his crotch. Dying laughing over here this morning, you're hilarious!

September 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Umm....well....I just put the check in the mail to the farmer who raised our lamb. And picked up the meat from the butcher. So, we're meat people.

September 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStephanie

You people are freaking me out about milk. Fucksakes. Can't we enjoy anything anymore? Dammit.

September 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTheGirlWho

yeah, already posted how hysterical this is, but gunna do it again. needed a big belly laugh this morning, knew where to get it. posted on my facebook, friends are laughing too. was reading it to hubby, when i read the part about serge holding the salami in front of his crotch and waving it around, the smile left his face. i asked "does this remind you of anyone?" nope, he says, and leaves the room. busted.

September 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGeri

Read Eating Animal by Jonathan Safran Foer, that will generally stop any craving for flesh.

September 16, 2012 | Unregistered Commentermiriam

I totally do the crotch salami thing but only at the grocery store. Is that weird? I think it's hilarious when i do it. Probably because my husband doesn't. Wonder what that says about me.

Heather, me and my blue moon salute you!

September 17, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercharity

Don't read Skinny Bitch because it is laced with completely irresponsible bullshit, childish cheap shots, and just, well, bitchiness, about heavier people. "There's nothing uglier than a pretty woman who's nasty" I seem to remember reading at one point. Well, yes, ladies, that is true. (And I have been vegan, and agree with much of their reasons for being so.)

If you do ever foray into veganism, remember: Things made to mimic animal products, made of mutated ingredients that do not occur in nature, even if they were once soy (especially if they were once soy) are just as bad as corn dogs or whatever. Also read a proper source on B12.

Otherwise, my husband does the thing with the sausage. He is currently away for several months for work. Reading that made me miss him.

September 17, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterL

My hubby just watched the TV show called Kill It, Cook It, Eat It. He now refuses to eat sausages and we have made the decision to still eat meat, but good quality meat and in smaller amounts. I love me a good vegetarian meal (and pizza) but oh my god... bacon....nothing cant be improved without bacon!!!

September 17, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBelinda

I love this randomness. Thanks for making my day!

September 17, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNina

Sorry, you guys forced me to link this (I think it might also cause goat hair on women :)

And here's my girl Marilu

September 17, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBonnieLee

Can't. Stop. Laughing. Thank-you. So needed this on this very wretched morning. I'm going to go shove some coffee down my gullet and up my ass, any which way I can get it. Beef? I can't quite give up. But then again I'm not BFF's with one.

September 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSelena

I rarely eat red meat and bacon is the only pork I eat. I do eat chicken and fish. I have cut WAY back on Milk but haven't moved to almost milk entirely yet...Soy is not an option - I just can't...

My husband had to a short round of prednisone and NEVER.AGAIN! Never FUCKING AGAIN!

My husband makes dick jokes all the time too! I was cleaning dirt off a solar light in the garden and he said I stroke it just like a dick. Um, what?! WTF?!

I'm all hopped up on my Lexapro plus allergy meds and Sudafed and Amix for a fucking double ear infection. Plus I'm at work. So FUCK...

September 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterREK

i was once commisioned by the owner of my local laundromat to write a bunch of laundry related poetry forI h the walls for ponderance and chuckles. Of course I wrote my BEST stuff only to LOSE it in one filthy click of a button. I was so distraught and disgusted that I gave up on the project entirely. Son of a Mother!!

September 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

okay i went back and read the rest of this post....yeah, i LOVE cows. The way they stare you down...waiting for facial expressions...just a can you not LOVE the cow? I wonder why we eat cows and not horses...If we could ride a cow, would we still eat them? The pig...well I met someone here in podunk florida who had a HUGE hairy hog sleeping on it's side in the garage which was redecorated into some kind of living/smoking/card playing area. Junior sat at the table with his auntie playing Rummy while the pig, Flo, slept soundly, snoring, and when I poked her side and called out her name Yo Flo...she responded with an annoyed grunt " turn off the light and get the hell outta here," annoyance. As for male humor, my guy doesn't really do any of that stuff, perhaps because he is too modest. Funny but modest...would make a fine Amish dude.

September 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Every man in the world does the sausage/pepperoni thing, they simply can't help themselves. I swear if geneticists look closely enough they will find the WILAP (Wag It Like A Penis) gene right there in the Y chromosome - sticking out like a sore....well.... like a sore penis!

September 22, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterkimtisha

I love that you wrote about this. Since February, I have been blogging about my unexpected journey to plant-based diet since watching "Forks over Knives". I really love this new way of eating. I started for health reasons, then really saw the extent of animal cruelty in factory farms, and now feel even more strongly about the horrible impact it is having on our environment. I know it is unreasonable to think people will cut out all meat at once, but even eating less meat, and trying to get meat directly from a local farmer would be a really good step.

I never thought I would give up cheese, meat, milk, etc. but it really is easier than you think. Watch "Get Vegucated" to see 3 New Yorkers try to go vegan for 6 weeks as an experiment.

October 7, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterPlant-based baby!

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