Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
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I'm Probably Going To Prison For This 

Remember that one time when I wrote all about how healthy I was and how much ass I was kicking in the gym and stuff?

Yeah. Now? Not so much. Life got all busy for a minute there back in April and I just stopped going to the gym and haven't started again. I am filled with self-hatred which makes me angry but not angry enough to go to the gym, I guess. Dammit! That makes me angry too. I'm just so damn angry. And also? What the fuck with periods after pregnancy? I might be dying, is what I'm saying. I'm not really sure how I'm still alive right now, is what I'm saying because I'm bleeding more than a stomach gunshot victim. Too much for your delicate sensibilities? Well then what the fuck are you doing here? Yes, even you, Mom.

See how angry I am?

Like you didn't know it was coming. This entire website is a roller coaster of bipolarity. It's a word, I checked. I also googled "which gunshot bleeds the most" when utilizing that gunshot simile up there which led me to search "what type of gunshot wound is most fatal" which, I've seen enough Dateline to know that pretty much means that if Serge dies in some kind of freak accident they are going to search my hard drive, find that Google search and it will pretty much be the smoking gun that lands me in prison even though I am probably not the cause of his death. Probably. So thanks a lot for that. I'm probably going to prison for this blog post and it's all your fault.

In completely unrelated news we are taking the kids to their first movie today and also what the fuck are we thinking are we completely insane this cannot end well. Any tips? Other than don't plan on enjoying ourselves or seeing much of the movie? And probably plan on a big argument to close the day as we take out our parental stress on each other. Any tips besides that?

Here. A photo of my sleeping conditions lately. See where Henry's left Spiderman slipper is? That's where my left boob usually is. His left elbow knows right where my eye socket would be even when I'm not there. Dare I say I actually miss sharing a bed with Serge? No wonder I'm so angry. I'm filled with self-hatred, bloated, bleeding to death, probably going to prison and bitch needs some sleep!

Reader Comments (9)

and no sex......ugh

May 30, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterkacy

Last time I took my kid to the movie I took a nice long nap. Here's hoping the same for you.
Oye--the bleeding. I know it all too well. But get this, i'm 51 and thanks to "The Change" i get a period about every 2 or 3 months. But I don't know that it's coming. In fact, I always think after the biggest bleed ever, that it's the. last. one. Finale. No. It still comes back. Insidious? Yes. People my age shouldn't be bleeding still. Really. I don't get it. So at least you're not 51 and still having periods like a teenager.
All i can say is hang in there mama. This insanity is temporary.

May 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLucy Anderson

What movie are you going to see? I took my 5-year-old to see The Croods and it was too scary for him so we walked out after 15 minutes. I could also tell he was a bit freaked out by the 3D. Movies are loud too! They should turn the volume down for kids' movies.

May 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterBetts

I live in the UK and my kids are 14 and 18, so my tip maybe shite and irrelevant.
Ring up the picture house and ask if they provide booster seats for the kids, if they don't take your car seats to the Cinema, for the kids to sit on. There is nothing more annoying than paying big money and your kids can't see the screen.
Oh and be aware the kids will ensure you will spend a lot of time in the toilet, and miss the crucial bit before the end. Yes, I am still pissed off that I missed the crucial bit to Mulan and had to wait years to find out what happened.I am one sad cow.

May 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSue

Oh may gah! It seemed like forever for THOSE periods to end. I went and tried to get the dr to fix it. Awful! One day I got to daycare and bent over to get the diaper bag and dripped on the floor. I was wearing a pad and a tampon!! Horrified! Ironically, I ended up quitting my job over it. 10years of teaching at the same school and the new principal wouldn't let me leave to go to the bathroom during class time to deal with it. I found a new gig three hours away, in the middle of nowheresville. We couldn't be happier with the move! Teaching job of a lifetime.
Sleep sitch... I finally bribed that guy with a Jamba Juice! Everyday and then every week! That's what it took over here. A fucking overpriced smoothie.

May 30, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterShannon b

Sideways sleepers can put a serious crimp in the family bed. As for the flow, usually the second day required closer surveillance and backup reinforcements. I was more affected by the fatigue, pallor, madness, including undiagnosed mental disorders of all types, surges of creativity, and mostly horrible bloating, miserable cramps and my love for.Advil. Movies. Sounds fun. I would bring them in after they play the previews. Some previews can be very disturbing to kids. I remember being at a drive in with my family and seeing something horrible which would stay with me for the rest of my life.. I would review the movie rules..Bring.snacks. No sugar drinks. Close to the door. Bathroom before. Lap blankets and something to sit on to raise the seat. Beware of movie seats, Some stink and have bugs...bring plastic seat covers? Have fun.

May 31, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

Don't be too hard on yourself. The gym lags happen. I usually get really motivated on Monday, do a day or two - fully expecting to do the full 5 weekday haul - and I end up blowing it. Hope the movie went well. I took my kids to a matinee I was pretty sure nobody would be at and smuggled in snacks and juice boxes. We were the only ones there and it went swimmingly. Periods - ack! Two Aleve, a heating pad, a cup of tea, a nap if you can swing it and maybe a good stiff shot of bourbon. Go with God.

May 31, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterelleroy

you are awesome. that is all.

June 2, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterness

The bleeding thing happened to me too. Any kind of hormonal birth control (pill, ring, Mirena) caused it. I have a diaphragm now and everything is back to normal. I love love love my diaphragm.

June 3, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterErin

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