Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
« What I Wrote When I Wasn't Here | Main | Front Porch »

An Open Letter To An Open Letter

Dear Open Letter,

I wasn't going to write this letter but then I observed just how much publicity open letters tend to get and so I figured it was my time to shine by trying to steal some of your recent spotlight. Open letters seem to always make the news lately and, as you know, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, including me, and I want to share my opinion about you with you by addressing the world.

What I'm saying is, I'm here to publicly shame you in as passive-aggressive a way as possible. That's how open letters work. Don't take it personally, my intentions are pure, or I'm going to pretend they are, anyway. I don't actually give a shit about you, if I did I wouldn't be writing you an open letter but if I don't write it as an open letter only you will read it and what's the point of that? So. Here we are.

I am extremely concerned for you, Open Letter, that those around you have led you to believe, or encouraged you in your own belief, that it is in any way 'cool' to smugly and publicly shame someone under the guise of caring for them. Nothing but harm will come in the long run from allowing yourself to pimp out public messages to strangers about whom you really know nothing.

Yes, I'm suggesting you don't care for yourself, Open Letter. That has to change. You ought be protected as a precious letter by anyone you let write you. I repeat, you have enough talent that you don't need to let someone make a prostitute of you by writing horrible things on you and then posting you on the Internet in a desperate bid for attention. You shouldn't let them make a fool of you either. Don't think for a moment that anyone writing an open letter gives a flying fuck about the person to whom they're addressed. They're there for the spotlight that penning an open letter shines. This is a dangerous world.

I don't mean to be smug here but, honestly, I mean to be smug because I want everyone to know that I know that you're doing it wrong, Open Letter. That's why I chose to send you an open letter instead of just contacting you directly. I realize no recipient of an open letter anywhere ever took anything in the letter to heart, that, in fact, those who receive open letters are more likely to be offended than not, but fuck it. This isn't really about you. It's about my need to let as many people as possible know that I know you're doing it wrong.

Please know this open letter to you that I wanted the world to read (fingers crossed it goes viral!) came straight from my heart and I wrote this with the best of intentions. Maybe next time someone tries to use you, Open Letter, to send someone a shitty message under the guise of concern you'll think twice about being whored out, you whore, you. God bless!

Monica Bielanko

Reader Comments (9)

Is this letter to me? Are you messing with my pudding hole?

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterLola

Only if it has strinkles on top.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who...

Now there's a fine how do you do! Being me, it never ever occurred to me how self serving these open letters! While I agreed with the content, it is certainly lame, hurtful and counter-effective. I am just too dumb to have seen it as it is. Yes, if O'Connor truly felt this bad for Miley she ought to have contacted the girl directly. Get that one over to the Huff immediately! Great point.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

be that as it may, Miley posting O'Connor's past tweets from when she was having mental health issues and basically belittling having those problems in the first place is pretty disgusting and not a reasonable way to reply to the open letter.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDanni

Oh lord, thank you for this. Those dang open letters have been getting on my nerves so much lately.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterVictoria

Are you directing this towards Melissa at dearbabyblog?

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDCP

All open letters are not created equal--it's an art form and like any art form can be done badly or well. Badly usually being between talentless famewhores, which I actually don't think Sinead qualifies as. Regardless, while your point here is taken, I don't think you have to worry about Miley Cyrus being shamed, however. Haven't you seen her "documentary"? She's totally fucking in charge of all of us.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterE.

I get your point, but I think I'm still Team Sinead on this one, particularly after Miley's horrific response calling her out as crazy.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

You're hilarious. I love your writing style, it's so authentic and honest.

October 4, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterjck

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>