Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Are You There?

Written May 8th 2008

I've been thinking about you for so long I don't remember when I didn't think about you. You've always been a part of my life. Often, in darkest of night, when even the crickets have called it a day, I lay in bed and dream about you and how strongly I feel about you. For the past year I've been longing to hold you. To just see you already! And now there is a very real possibility we may meet up soon.

Your dad recently got home from touring with his beloved band, Marah. It's what he does best aside from loving me. He doesn't know about you yet. Oh, he has an inkling, of course. Mom and Pop had lots of play days in the weeks after he got home from Europe. You know, we took a nap on our new king sized bed, with all our clothes on, of course. And stuff. Because we missed each other so much. But I think it was April 28th or 29th that marks the beginning of your life. In some part of his mind your Pop knows of the possibility of your existence but has received no confirmation that you do, in fact, exist. Neither have I, for that matter. I only have a sneaking suspicion but it is still too early for modern medicine to confirm. Can it be a mother's intuition this early in the game?

While your Dad was in Europe on his last tour with his band, I fell in love with him all over again. He always keeps a journal for me while on tour. Journals, postcards, pictures. I'll keep this journal forever because it was his last before you came along. I always cry when he leaves. Even when he drives me insane, I cry when he leaves. He is my best friend and I miss him when he's gone. And so I said welcome home in the best way I knew how. You know, by napping together. And stuff.

That's where you come in. As I've been contemplating you intensely for some time now I've done my homework. Today is roughly the seventh day of your existence. Science says that at the moment of fertilization, your genetic make-up is complete. In other words, you are you, albeit a big cluster of cells, you are you!

By now you've passed through my fallopian tube and I suspect you're industriously attaching yourself to my uterus. Science says some women notice slight cramping around the time of this implantation. Yes. Yesterday and today the slight stomach cramps answered my question. You are on your way, little one. Nobody knows but me. A secret that makes me hug myself and smile. I'll have to wait a few more days to be sure and then, fingers crossed, a pregnancy test will officially confirm when you're due home. If I've done my homework correctly you should arrive sometime around January 20th. Can you believe it? You are on your way!

Oh my God. I can't wait. For all of it.