Monica Bielanko
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Get A Card, Jack!

The brilliant-ness you are about to behold is sponsored by the good folks at Hallmark whose way with words is almost as magical as mine.

How many ways can your 1,500 Facebook friends tell you Happy Birthday? About two, as it turns out. You've got your standard HAPPY BIRTHDAY and the more casual HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE! That's right. Your brother's manifesto on the evils of Obamacare is clearly way more important than your special day. So is a photo (Hipstamatic Robot Glitter lens!) of his dinner including a detailed description of what he's about to ingest. Also? It's November so he's going to hammer you with updates that include everything he's most thankful for:

Day 7 of thankfulness: and my college Fantasy Football team. Football season almost over. The world will be a little less happy Sunday morning for me...Praying BYU can give me an early Christmas present and take down the Irish! Rise up Cougar Nation. It’s game day, and not just any game, this is the Holy War. Time for Taysom and the Cougs to shut down the Irish. #theholywar #taysomforheisman #taysomishandsome #iamahugedork #ihavenolife #stillwetthebed!!!

War, passion, love, hate, happiness and depression for Taysom Hill and his "Cougs" but for you? On the day you were born? Three words: Happy Birthday, bro.


I'm not saying your Facebook messages aren't special! I know Facebook reminded you that it was my birthday and it took you three - maybe four - seconds to type your missive but dammit Grandma! I thought I meant more to you than that? And who taught you Facebook?

Facebook birthday wishes are fantastic, especially if you wouldn't have acknowledged that particular person's birthday otherwise. But seriously, Grandma! What's happening to you? No longer do I get to look forward to a mailbox full of cards including the one card with Grandma's special old lady cursive scrawled across the front with the card inside that reads the same every year: Grandpa and Grandma loves you darlin. To be fair, that's because Grandma died years ago and if I got a card from her this year that really would be something special, but it's also because the Internet is killing sentimentality. I mean, I'm not asking you to dip your feathered quill into a bottle of ink and pen me an electrifying epistle, but a funny card? Maybe with Phil Robertson on the front and Benjamin Franklin inside? That would make me happy, happy, happy.

Speaking of Ben Franklin and his presidential posse, it's not just that Facebook has stolen my special birthday mail, it has stolen the twenty bucks Aunt Sherry used to send every year. Now Aunt Sherry posts a casual HOPE IT'S A GOOD ONE on my wall.

I want my twenty-dollars, Aunt Sherry! Resting delicately inside a card with a couple lines on what a delight I am penned inside. Sure the card was the crappy part when you were among the five and under crowd. Card schmard, let me open my gift! But around about the age of six, once you realized that those cards could also contain money, it was all about the card. And once you grow up, move out and comprehend that mail is a veritable smorgasbord of depression in the form of bills you finally understand that the sweet card (that Grandma spent an hour picking out while Grandpa grumbled under his breath and checked his watch) containing the scrawly cursive you can barely read is worth even more than the twenty dollars she's still sticking inside. I mean, seriously, Grandma, it's called inflation. You're on Facebook now, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

And no, MOM. A birthday text is what they call a #birthdayfail.

You too, Dad.

What better way to say I love you than with the inimitable Uncle Si Robertson? Actually, I can think of a better way: just send Jase Robertson and his sexy beard right on over. With cake. Jase and cake. Happy Birthday, indeed.

ARE YOU LISTENING, AUNT SHERRY? CAKE, JASE, CARD AND $20. It's how civilized family members say I love you and Happy Birthday.

This post is sponsored by Hallmark. All opinions, as usual, are mine. Click the logo to see more of the very handsome Jase Robertson as well as a bunch of funny birthday fails.

Reader Comments (5)

I'm generally not a fan of sponsored posts but this made me laugh out loud!

November 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterA.

What is it about the Robertson brothers? Not typically hot but I sure do like a bearded man.

November 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

Facebok made my one talent, remembering birthdays, obsolete. :(

November 18, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterXmastime

Thank you for this reminder. I really need to stop sending boxes stuffed with all kinds of useless and unwanted stuff ( plus shipping costs, last one over $50.00 in shipping.). I will give only cards with cash. Hallmark cards with cash...and maybe a box too. PS. my last big birthday box mailed out was the Duck D theme. Lots of manny stuff, No cash.

November 19, 2013 | Unregistered Commentergina

@gina - Boxes of stuff are awesome too! Especially boxes of stuff with Duck Dynasty items. Can you fit Jase in a box?

November 19, 2013 | Registered CommenterMonica

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