Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
You can also find Monica's writing here:
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Happy Birthday To Me

Today I am 31 years old. Who'da thunk it? Not me. 31! I like getting older, I really do. The older I get the better I feel, mentally, that is. Calm. Found my first gray hair this week. I liked it. Don't get me wrong, I immediately plucked the little fucker right out, but I kind of apologized to him for it, said I can't be having gray hair all up in my bleached blonde do - but that I appreciate him and knowing I have a few grays makes me feel wiser. I think he understood.

I'm sitting on one end of the couch, Max on the other and I just looked over at him and gave him double shooter guns, you know, with my thumbs and forefingers and put a little wink and mouth click into it. He liked it. Got right up and put his paw on my forearm.

I think 31 is the year I'll procreate. Serge and I have many plans in the works that will change our lives substantially and having a baby is on the agenda. It hit me like a gunshot the other day. Max does this thing where, if he steps on a sticker, you know those thorny little suckers that hurt like a bastard if you step on them barefoot, the ones that stick in your shoes? Well, when one of those sticks up in Max's paw he does this thing where he just stops walking and gives me eye lasers. Like, I'll be walking along and realize he's not with me... I look back and he's clear behind me, frozen, giving me the eye lasers. That's how I know he's got a sticker in his paw. He talks to me with those big browns... come help me they plead. I need you.

I walk back and my boy patiently lifts each paw for me while I inspect, searching for the culprit. I find it, pull it out of his avacado-sized paw and he looks at me with such love, for about 1.5 seconds, then bolts ahead, because he's got stuff to sniff and all... But in that one moment yesterday, when my boy was helpless and I was all "what's wrong buddy" in that weird Dog Mom voice of mine, then fixed the problem and then was all "there you go, mama made it all better." Well, I heard myself talk, felt the immense joy in being able to make it better for my helpless boy and I knew. I want a baby. Besides, I better get this shit rolling if I'm sprouting grays. I'm up to my knees in my thirties, almost out of the shallow end.
Hurry home Serge.

Reader Comments (27)

Best of luck on having a little one! Half the fun is making one, the other half is being able to have a belly and have it be socially acceptable! Best, Chels

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterchels

Happy Birthday Monica! Hope this year brings you many wonderful surprises!

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Happy Birthday Monica, hope you have a great one.

Donnie Pizza Sauce

email me when you can I will get you my new phone number.....

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShelly

Well fuck me running, I am not even 30 and I have gray hair. Little bastards grow in all wirey, hate them, already coloring them. Btw, I turn 30 in July. Hard not to get in a funk about it. OH well.
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen

Happy Birthday Monica! I still really enjoy reading your blog. You're one very fascinating young woman!

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNiedlchen

"happy birth-day to you... and many moooooore"

Hope you have a nice day, Monica!

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

Happy Birthday Monica! Wishing you all the happiness, health and love that you so deserve in the upcoming year. Your blog inspires many; it especially inspires me. Wish you all the best and keep up the brilliant, honest writing..

Cheers! to you, serge and max.


March 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commentererin

Best birthday wishes and I cannot wait to see pictures of the little one you and Serge would make. I think you'd be an amazing, thoughtful mother.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAimee

Happy Birthday. The growth you've experienced lately has been obvious, and I wish you all the best with it.

Gotta say I always chuckle when people say "I want a baby!". Never made much sense to me, since kids are only babies for a very short amount of time. If you want to be a *parent*, with all the unglamorous, thankless stress and worry that goes with it....well hell, more power to you. But when people say "I want a baby!", I can never understand why they don't borrow their neighbor's for a few hours.

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbeth

happy birthday woman with one gray hair!!!

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterana

Hi Monica,

Congratulations with birthday yesterday. Just wanna say, I read your comments back from 2005 regarding nose blowing in public. I couldn't agree more, and I think we should create a 'peoples' movement' against this decease spreading bad manner! (Need I say I had a very nice dinner almost spoiled yesterday by a man with a several days old and very used cloth, blowing his nose 8 times just next to me!!!!). So I have created a facebook group 'Blow snot is NOT', in support of our common view point.See

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnders Quitzau

Happy Birthday, Monica! Hope this year brings you everything you desire...

- Rosie

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterrosalicious

Happy Birthday, Monica! I had to laugh about your story of your first gray hair. I remember when I got my first one, I pulled it out and taped it to a sticky note for some silly reason. I eventually threw it away. May this year bring you good health and lots of happiness.

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermcatgirl

As a fellow just-over-30 who is currently pregnant, do yourself a favor and talk to your ob/gyn before you try to get pregnant. Get on a good prenatal and stop the drinking, it will make things easier. Good luck!

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Happy birthday! Another one out here who still loves to read your blog. I hope you're still working on a book. I really think you're a great writer.

Congrats on the decision to have a baby! I have a 6 month old now. It's hard. But man is it awesome.

Word of advice, though: if you do have a kid and you keep up the blog, be prepared for the REAL assholes to come crawling out of the ether. You thought you were getting shit before? Wait till everyone and their mother has something to say about your parenting. Good times.

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramanda b

Happy Birthday! Love your blog, it makes me want to blog bloggy just ain't happening right now. lol.

P.s. Max is a cutie! :)

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterShannon

happy birthday and good luck!!! gray hair is a sign of wisdom so be proud! ;)

i love your blog. thanks for writing here. greetings from a pole living in germany.

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKasia

Blessings from PA, Salty!
Keep learning, be humble, and stay on your spiritual path!
Y'all will have great kids.

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterjoe

Thanks everybody. For all the good wishes and for reading and just generally giving a shit. It's nice to know y'all are out there.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Girl Who

happy birthday monica. hope it's a very juicy year

March 31, 2008 | Unregistered Commenternatalie

Happy Birthday!!
I read your stuff & I feel better for it.
You're gonna be a great Mom.
Just don't lick a tissue & wipe the rugrat's face with it. That's just gross.
ps- Wait till u find grays in your NELLIE...Good Times.

March 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGiaC

Hey, happy birthday, little old lady... ;-)

'Working on a book', someone up there said. Hey, baby, this IS a book.

I had my own 'Dog Mom' moment today, funnily enough, in Waterstone's bookshop in Kensington High Street. She was very chic, very cool, fortysomething (maybe). She was browsing, then looked down and saw he was sitting there at her feet just about getting ready to give himself one of those doggy blow jobs which prove that hounds are slightly higher up the evolutionary climbing frame than I am. Handled it beautifully, I thought. She tucked in her chin, looked down at him, and in a calm, quiet, confident, friendly 'Dog Mom' voice, said, 'Don't do that, Henry. It's anti-social.' He stopped. She saw I'd seen it. I saw that she'd seen I saw it. We almost but not quite made eye contact, I think. They went downstairs. I left. Smiling.

April 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul Murff

A belated Happy Birthday Monica.....

And I'm not so sure a baby is a great idea....

You already have two kids with Max and Serge!....

Although I think, in all seriousness, that Serge would make a GREAT father, and imagine the songs it could inspire!....


April 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSpawny

I'm so happy for you!!! I had to traipse back through five pages of blogs in order to find one accepting comments just so I could share that with you! I feel like such a dork because I'm sitting here *sniff* crying *snort* over someone that I've never met. But I have been reading your blogs for so long now, I feel like you're an old friend. My life is so blessed tonight over your good news--all because you were brave enough to ignore all of the idiots out there and share your life (at least a little) with us. Congratulations again.

July 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterVeronica

Ah ha! I caught you when the blog was "unlocked"! I check back so often to see how you are doing...I miss your wise words. For some reason I had a feeling the blog might be up yesterday after the Obama win. How could I know you so well when I don't actually know you at all? Anyway, caught you again today and I've been reading your archives for the past hour cause I miss your writing so much! So happy so see that you, Serge and baby girl Bielanko are doing so well. I respect your need for privacy at this time, although I selfishly hope you start blogging again after the baby arrives. All my very best wishes to you as you inch closer to holding your precious baby in your arms! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Oh, and I was so excited to see the blog up I almost forgot...YEAH OBAMA!! I am right there with you on your last couple of entries...what an amazing couple of days. To be continued....

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTricia

Happy birthday!! I can't tell you how much i love your writing and your honesty. From this Mormon in Vegas who was raised in Utah county, I'm known for being the "inappropriate Mormon" and although I realize it would seem we have very different views, I actually share many of yours:) happiest of birthdays to you and have fun procreating!!:)

March 27, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterKylie

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