Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Is He Out Yet? You're Still Pregnant? You're Ready To Pop!

March. Oh, March. Get at me! And bring your friend April too! February took as long to get through as listening to a voicemail from your grandma, didn't it? The winter of the "Polar Vortex." The winter of my discontent. You know shit is jacked up when you walk outside in 25 degree temperatures and you're like, "It's warm today!"

Add third trimester pregnancy and a head cold that has more staying power than a Viagra boner to the frigid mix and you're dealing with a very dangerous woman. It's probably best for both of us that I haven't spent much time around here or I'd have scared you off long ago. But if you're still here, I'm impressed. And I have much to share with you eventually! First we need to get through the birth of this here third kid I'm due to have on Monday.

That's right. Monday is the official due date. But we all know due dates are fairly meaningless. Like meeting up with that friend you have that's late to everything, you just kind of go into a dinner date expecting they'll be twenty minutes late so you may as well order your first drink and check Facebook on your phone because twenty minutes late is on time for them. I'm not saying I'll lovingly endure being pregnant once the official due date comes and goes because rest assured life will be miserable for anyone forced to deal with me during that time period, I'm just saying that I'm psyching myself up for the long haul.

Since this whole midwife/home birth thing is going to be a new experience for us we've decided to share it with you. Whoa. Whoa. Ho. Hold on there... Relax. I feel an obligation to assure you that there will be no talk of mucus plugs, bodily fluids, no vagina monologues, nothing that you can’t read while enjoying a sandwich, in fact. There will be photos but so help me god there will be no photos of my naked, bloated body, no baby covered in all manner of bodily substances – just a loose, hopefully humorous, sharing of events as they occur. The birth plan is there is no birth plan. We have no expectations other than bringing the little guy here as safely, happily and calmly as possible. We’re confident in our midwife but are prepared to transfer to a nearby hospital should any unforeseen complications occur.

It's mostly going to be Serge doing the updating as I'm trying to protect you from experiencing my current mood. Because unless you enter my room with an offering of a vegetarian burrito bowl from Chipotle you may as well just keep your distance.

You can keep checking in over at Babble for the latest happenings chez Bielanko starting today...