Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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Sometimes A Kind of Glory Lights Up The Mind of A Man

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.

East Of Eden
John Steinbeck

They are voices like fog horns, fingernails on chalkboards, or the very worst; a plastic spoon scraping an empty Styrofoam container - YICK! Very occasionally the sound is pleasing. American Idol auditions are the soundtrack to my work life as of late. It's usually my favorite part of the Idol season. When the "singers" get good I get bored. Anymore even the bad singers shred my eardrums. I could turn my T.V. down, sure, but eight other co-workers have their televisions on the same thing and so I am forced to listen. Thems the brakes, I suppose, when you work at a television channel.

I've been tearing through books like they'll all be burned in a big censorship bonfire at the end of the month. The above is an excerpt from East of Eden. It so uniquely describes my recent exploration into my spirituality that I had to tap it in here... for posterity and such. It dovetails so nicely with my studies in Buddhism... Once I finish East of Eden I'm onto The Grapes of Wrath. Steinbeck is stunning. I'm loving the sweeping sagas that span time and geography instead of the clever hipster malarkey I'd been reading. Ironically, it's the very cleverness which leaves me feeling glassy-eyed and dull.

I don't write much here anymore, I know. There are myriad reasons why. I have found that most folks aren't fans of brutal honesty. It makes them uncomfortable whether it has anything to do with them or not. Inevitibly, writing honestly backfires - in various ways, within various relationships of mine. It is strange how those closest to me are the first to mock this blog. It's egotistical, I've been told. I have a particular person in mind who sneered derisively at me last year while the two of us were engaged in a rather heated discussion that she chose to make about me instead of the issue at hand... "why don't you just go blaawg about this!" she hissed menacingly, condescendingly, so close to my face I could see the lipstick smear on her teeth, smell the alcohol on her hot breath.

In the years I have known her she has never made any effort to hide her disgust over the fact that I write about my life on a blog, yet she's never really read it either. And the minute this supremely unpleasant side of her unhinges its maws it's the blog she chews on. The blog?

The other day, after writing this my boss sat down with me to talk about this blog and whether it hurts my news station's crediblity that I am so vocal about my political beliefs here, not to mention my feelings about Mormonism. If I control news content it stands to reason I may be biased in what I choose to put in my newscast. But I'm not. As with most anyone, my job is separate from my personal beliefs. It is an interesting concept though. If you read my blog and disagree with my feelings on religion and politics are you less likely to watch my newscast? Perhaps. The competition, the Mormon-owned news station in Utah hasn't got the highest ratings for decades because their coverage is so amazing - it's the religious undertones, pure and simple as is evidenced by the fact that their ratings skyrocketed this past week upon the passing of the President of the Mormon church.

Boss Lady reads most every entry in this blog... And she likes the blog - or claims to -anyway and has always been very cool about it. But still; all of it leaves me feeling stifled, wanting to play my cards closer to my chest instead of showing my hand to every player at the table... Players that include ex-boyfriends, Serge's ex-girlfriends, bosses, old and new friends, co-workers past and present... You know?