Monica Bielanko
That's What She Said
Just A Junk Drawer Dream
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This is heaven and we are god

It's taken me decades, but I am finally making peace with death. Oh, I still wake up at 3am in a panic; stomach churning, throat constricting, horrified by the idea of ceasing to exist. But that notion makes NOW so much more important.

Thing is, when I believed in the religious (Mormon) fairytale of an afterlife, ruling my own planet forever surrounded by family and friends, I was living half asleep. I didn't appreciate life like I do now. With the specter of death constantly looming, I feel more alive than I've ever felt. If death is the end, I find myself trying to find the beauty in each moment, every interaction with another human being takes on special meaning. I think harder about how my behavior affects others and I want to uplift, not cause anyone to feel badly.

THIS IS IT, motherfuckers. Right here, right now. This ain't a drill, this ain't a test you need to pass to get to the better thing. Who you are now is crucial. I'm not talking college degrees and jobs and money and status, I'm talking kindness and compassion and empathy and love. All the bullshit you've likely been taught about what makes a successful person that fires your ambition means nothing if it doesn't contribute to kindness, love and lifting up your fellow man, or worse, if it compromises kindness, love and your fellow man.

THIS IS HEAVEN AND WE ARE GOD. Think big thoughts and enjoy every sandwich, man.

When things get really bad in my life, when I feel rage and anger and hopelessness, I look around me and take it all in and my mind is blown every, single time. The sky, stars, trees, people, animals, kindness, love... It's magic. I get so choked up by the quiet mystery of the universe, the beautiful humanity; all of us living here together trying to raise our collective consciousness.

I email back and forth with my brother-in-law about this stuff and he wrote this:

"How very fast we would move forward/together on all fronts solving food and disease and war and energy and communication, travel throughout the universe, transportation and farming and even things like time... The most enormous, most pressing questions and problems that have vexed mankind for centuries would fall away like dominoes right down the line.

WE are god. Always have been. One soul.

One day something like pre & post enlightenment time marker will be recognized. And our lifetimes (and all that came before us) will be viewed as the dark age that it truly was/is. A slog of war and separatism and hate and money and inequality and slavery and ego all building and evolving (super slowly) towards an inevitable enlightenment, a togetherness of purpose... SCIENCE. Unlocking the whole motherfucker.

The goal is to slowly peel back the social frameworks imposed on us from birth and figure out who you are without all the shit that was forced on you and you passively accepted as true or right. Being raised an American is like being raised in a religion. Think beyond. Strip away all the labels that make you you and other people them.

WE are god. Always have been. One soul.

The only real, true things are love, relationships, nature, science and art.

Some of us recognize this more than others and it's our duty to lift up the lowest among us. If you see someone is struggling - they're easy to spot with the ignorant, narrow-minded and hateful rhetoric - it is your job to uplift and inspire, if only by passive example, because we are only as good as our weakest link. Humanity. THAT should be your religion.

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”

A postscript to my friend on this day: Thank you for being you. Your gentle, easy attitude combined with your critically-thinking beautiful brain and your generosity of spirit is a daily inspiration to better myself. You know who you are.

Reader Comments (11)

Hi Monica -Considering all you have been through while growing up in the Mormon church, it is no wonder you would want to thirow off all religious doctrine . I did. So have you decided to toss baby Jesus out with the bathwater? Before you give up on a relationship with a creator God you might just give Him a ring and see if he is for real. Yo G, I am really serious if you are there for real, can you please DO something? Ask Him to show Himself in some way that you can tell for sure. That you are done with Him unless He gets real for you. See what He does!? Why not? More interesting to have relationship than religion telling you what they want you to believe . He fruit of the spirit is love joy peace patience kindness goodness and self control. The greatest is ❤️

January 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGina

Hell yeah Monica......You nailed it!
One spirit, one soul, one love.......we are all one soul experiencing life through different physical perspectives. The same soul/spirit fills all things down to the particle and the time as a mortal is such a temporary experience and over in a flash. Religion is a sad thing....its a bunch of sheep following one another around lost. However, I guess judging them is not showing love (I am guilty) because with love there is no judgment and with judgment there is no love.....that is there level of consciousness, its just sad that they have limited themselves to that during this short physical experience. True seekers understand the meaning of the words "I am" that I am and I am all things because we are all one. I am god is such a true statement.....God/spirit is everything or he is nothing, without labels it all just "is" and it is all one in the same, you and I are one as is with everyone, we are GOD.....I like to look at it without labels and just know that I am god.....And I really love the Mother Fuckers that where thrown in a post of this nature, cause only with a label is Mother fucker considered just is, so FUCK YEAH, I LOVE YOU AND WE ARE ONE!

January 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRyan

Namaste~~~~ I bow to the divine in you.

January 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

think your brother is law may be a cult leader, and you sound brainwashed.

February 1, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterdorothy

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April 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHelen


The reason mortality is on your mind is because your conscious spirit knows, deep down in your heart of hearts, the afterlife is no "fairy tale" Monica.

This has already been proven, with physical evidence. There is no point in wasting time on a close minded person with humanist values determined to be led astray. You're a great writer and have a way with words. But I would speculate your' weak on history, archeology, theology, and moral relativity in relation to history. You don't know. You don't care.

I could tell you about a place with proof of life after death. A place you can physically visit and have a good chance of getting enough proof to make the average atheist (see: person in denial) run to church begging forgiveness. But it would do no good. If someone is determined not to believe something, they will always find a way. In your case humanism and moral relativism governs your world view.

I've read your blog since you first rejected Mormonism only to return to Utah as a place to raise your kids. Funny how you didn't choose a far left "progressive" (the ultimate oxymoron) community to raise your children. Indeed. Peoples actions always speak louder than their words.

You want the benefits of biblical relativism and conservatism with none of the responsibilities of contributing and preserving the Mormon community. Obviously not everyone who lives in Utah is Mormon, however your still receiving the peripheral benefits of the community.

I experienced absolute personal irrefutable proof of life after death on a 1936 ocean liner called the Queen Mary. I was punched/grabbed out of a slit/void which materialized for 1-2 seconds. I was grabbed by a human male (lanky white male, black t-shirt, appx. 6'2, the word "military" popped into mind) on M-Deck after shutting off the lights. This was done to me as a prank for amusement. You may also read about NDA's (documented evidence where hundreds of people legally dead were brought back with similar accounts) or watch personal accounts of Howard Storm or Brian Melvin. There are also dozens of testimonies in history with similar themes from people and cultures completely unrelated.

You don't deserve to know this information Monica. However for some reason I'm telling you. I feel you're a "good" person. However also - a turncoat, humanist, and moral relativist. That's just how I feel after reading your blog for 10+ years. It's just an opinion. Nothing more.

In any case if the Bible and your conscious is not enough, to convince you, perhaps the evidence will be.

April 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

Gotta say, Michael, that it's almost always the people going on about the afterlife who are the cruelest judges and least open-hearted in their time on earth. Why not just enjoy the now and be kind in it instead of worrying what Monica or anyone else believes/doesn't believe/lives by?

Also, often, the word you're looking for is *you're* not *your*.

Have a good night. I wish you the best, truly.

April 18, 2017 | Unregistered Commentera friend

@ a friend

Why are you insinuating I'm a cruel judge with a closed heart? I was responding to her public post. I've been reading her blog for 10+ years. At what point do I become qualified to hold an opinion?

April 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

Michael, opinions are like assholes.

April 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNina

Where you at, gal? Miss your words....

May 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTrish

I still come here every once in a while. Hope all is well with you.

June 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

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